Hi All,
As you may or may not know, we talk with a lot of families on a daily basis. In my interactions with women, I have come across more than a few, "common" questions. First wives. Second wives (and thirds, etc). Currently monogamous. Even single ladies. I don't have a "one size fits all" response for the following question but lately I have been interacting with a sweet woman who is a newly-married second wife and after sending her my response, Andrew suggested I post it here on the forum.
So, here I am. If you are wondering about or struggling with the same question, I hope this helps you in some small way.
QUESTION:
Ginny, how did/do you deal with missing your husband on the days/nights that aren't yours? And is it easier now or does it just get hard in waves?
ANSWER:
Hey. The thing - the beautiful thing - about this lifestyle is that it exposes all of us. To each other and more importantly, to ourselves. We are given the opportunity to examine our thoughts and motives and expectations in a rare way. It's a deep honesty that few get to experience. We do it for basic sanity and to grow and to find harmony in living with each other.
It's not easy. I will never tell you it's easy. But that's what makes this so great. By "not easy" I don't mean plural marriage is like living in a concentration camp. I mean more like training to compete in the Olympics. It's work but it's good and it's worth it. And though I do have my rough days, on the whole, I consider it and honor and a privilege.
All that to say that it's not as much about missing your husband when he's not with you and it's more about what you choose to own as your expectations - in yourself, your relationships, and the world around you.
Not so long ago, you had NO nights with your husband. Every other night is a vast increase. A huge blessing.
Time is time. If he had to go away on business every other night, you would learn how to cope. The fact that he's with another wife is really just a distraction from the enemy to keep you focused on what you think you don't have.
This is your time to really examine your thoughts and your expectations and your motives. Do you NOT want him to spend time with his other wife? If he's not with you, does that mean he doesn't love you or will forget about you or will reject you the next time he's with you?
These are real questions that the enemy uses to keep you from the joy of gratitude and the productive time to draw closer to God. Yes, bring your fears and insecurities to Him. Pour out your heart in your quiet hours with Him. But also be willing to look inside yourself and understand why you are here at all.
I guarantee the answer is not "miss your husband when he is away from you."
In order to survive, we have to be scary honest but we also have to be willing to break free of the cultural conditioning that teaches us to focus on our pain and refuse to embrace new ways to look at the world.
Have you seen the movie "Life is Beautiful"? It's an Italian film and if you haven't seen it, I suggest you watch it soon.
It's all about perspective.
To answer your other question, I do miss Andrew when he's away. I miss him when he goes anywhere without me - business meeting, grocery store, another room. It's a given because I love him. I can acknowledge that without feeling like he needs to be with me more AND I can do my best to make my time in his presence a pleasant experience for him.
The love is there no matter what. It's my job to nurture that and grow into the kind of woman that helps Andrew. Even when he is not with me.
I can honestly say that yes, the enemy still tries to steal my joy with thoughts of envy or self-pity. But I can also say it doesn't sting like it used to. I'm pretty sure his attempts are still sharp as ever but my truth is, after years of examination and intentional truth living and exploring, I'm simply tougher.
That right there is a miracle that comes with plural marriage. Women are tougher. And I think our men find that pretty sexy.
I promise to always shoot straight with you. Even if the answer is not what you were looking for. After all this time, it's the only way that works.
I know the early years (days, hours, minutes) are difficult. Your brain and your heart are trying to figure out how to survive the new ways of thinking and relating. It's a big deal. I'm not trivializing your pain in any way. I've been there. So I also promise to to never tell you to just "get over it" or "just pray and it will all get better." I won't say that because I don't believe it's that simple.
Hang in there. Keep seeking truth and be willing to surrender and grow in ways you never have before. You will find peace.
Love and prayers,
Ginny
As you may or may not know, we talk with a lot of families on a daily basis. In my interactions with women, I have come across more than a few, "common" questions. First wives. Second wives (and thirds, etc). Currently monogamous. Even single ladies. I don't have a "one size fits all" response for the following question but lately I have been interacting with a sweet woman who is a newly-married second wife and after sending her my response, Andrew suggested I post it here on the forum.
So, here I am. If you are wondering about or struggling with the same question, I hope this helps you in some small way.
QUESTION:
Ginny, how did/do you deal with missing your husband on the days/nights that aren't yours? And is it easier now or does it just get hard in waves?
ANSWER:
Hey. The thing - the beautiful thing - about this lifestyle is that it exposes all of us. To each other and more importantly, to ourselves. We are given the opportunity to examine our thoughts and motives and expectations in a rare way. It's a deep honesty that few get to experience. We do it for basic sanity and to grow and to find harmony in living with each other.
It's not easy. I will never tell you it's easy. But that's what makes this so great. By "not easy" I don't mean plural marriage is like living in a concentration camp. I mean more like training to compete in the Olympics. It's work but it's good and it's worth it. And though I do have my rough days, on the whole, I consider it and honor and a privilege.
All that to say that it's not as much about missing your husband when he's not with you and it's more about what you choose to own as your expectations - in yourself, your relationships, and the world around you.
Not so long ago, you had NO nights with your husband. Every other night is a vast increase. A huge blessing.
Time is time. If he had to go away on business every other night, you would learn how to cope. The fact that he's with another wife is really just a distraction from the enemy to keep you focused on what you think you don't have.
This is your time to really examine your thoughts and your expectations and your motives. Do you NOT want him to spend time with his other wife? If he's not with you, does that mean he doesn't love you or will forget about you or will reject you the next time he's with you?
These are real questions that the enemy uses to keep you from the joy of gratitude and the productive time to draw closer to God. Yes, bring your fears and insecurities to Him. Pour out your heart in your quiet hours with Him. But also be willing to look inside yourself and understand why you are here at all.
I guarantee the answer is not "miss your husband when he is away from you."
In order to survive, we have to be scary honest but we also have to be willing to break free of the cultural conditioning that teaches us to focus on our pain and refuse to embrace new ways to look at the world.
Have you seen the movie "Life is Beautiful"? It's an Italian film and if you haven't seen it, I suggest you watch it soon.
It's all about perspective.
To answer your other question, I do miss Andrew when he's away. I miss him when he goes anywhere without me - business meeting, grocery store, another room. It's a given because I love him. I can acknowledge that without feeling like he needs to be with me more AND I can do my best to make my time in his presence a pleasant experience for him.
The love is there no matter what. It's my job to nurture that and grow into the kind of woman that helps Andrew. Even when he is not with me.
I can honestly say that yes, the enemy still tries to steal my joy with thoughts of envy or self-pity. But I can also say it doesn't sting like it used to. I'm pretty sure his attempts are still sharp as ever but my truth is, after years of examination and intentional truth living and exploring, I'm simply tougher.
That right there is a miracle that comes with plural marriage. Women are tougher. And I think our men find that pretty sexy.
I promise to always shoot straight with you. Even if the answer is not what you were looking for. After all this time, it's the only way that works.
I know the early years (days, hours, minutes) are difficult. Your brain and your heart are trying to figure out how to survive the new ways of thinking and relating. It's a big deal. I'm not trivializing your pain in any way. I've been there. So I also promise to to never tell you to just "get over it" or "just pray and it will all get better." I won't say that because I don't believe it's that simple.
Hang in there. Keep seeking truth and be willing to surrender and grow in ways you never have before. You will find peace.
Love and prayers,
Ginny
But honestly I know I'd cry, a lot. I already have and there isn't even another women in his life. Because of that, I'll try to really enjoy his presence more and all the time I do have with him. Thank you, Ginny 
