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More questions, always more questions...

redfox

redfox

Member
Dh and I had a conversation the other night that is helping me to be a little more resigned to my fate, so to speak. However, that's not my question.

How do you deal with certain circumstances, especially regarding sleep issues? My husband splits his time between the rooms of myself and the 2nd wife (I'm not ready to call her a sister wife), and while I can handle it most nights, there are nights when I am incapable of sleep due to sleep issues.

I have suffered from night terrors for years. They've come and gone in varying intensity, and stress does not help. Lately, they've gotten bad enough that I've started running in my sleep again. Last night was a particularly bad one, and I was unable to fall asleep again until after 2 in the morning.

In the past, before he started this relationship, he would be there to comfort me, calm me down, and stop me from running into something. Because he was near to protect me so to speak, I was able to finish waking up and calm down fairly quickly, and return to sleep feeling safe again. Now that he is unavailable several nights a week, I am having more and more trouble sleeping because he is not there to help me calm down. Last night it took me 3 hours for my heartrate to return to near normal, and I finally passed out with the light on, more out of exhaustion than anything else. How do I cope with this? The need for my husband is very strong in these situations, and not being able to access him at a time of great need is extremely disturbing to me, and leaves me in a funk most of the next day. Even tonight I am having insomnia again because my experience last night was far more vivid than usual. My throat hurt from screaming so bad (which he didn't hear, which was also disturbing).

There are still so many things I dislike about this situation, and the other woman isn't too thrilled about certain things either. But, neither of us want to give him up either, so we stick with things. I just don't know what to do most days. She doesn't really speak to me unless she has to, and I feel the same way most days. At the very least, we're civil to each other. I struggle greatly in this area with my sleep issues. I realize that I need to be more dependent upon God in this area, but that's difficult when you're running through the house because something is chasing you, at least until you wake. Unfortunately by the time I wake, I'm so scared out of my mind (the joys of night terrors), that prayer seems.... useless I guess is the best I can come up with. I've tried, but it seems to get me nowhere, at least not when I need to be gotten somewhere, like back to sleep.

Anyway, what can I really do? I've no control over when I have or don't have a night terror, and I don't necessarily have them always when he's not around, as I have them often enough when he's in by me as well. They're just less intense because he stops them sooner than when I'm alone. What can I do when I really need him with me, but he's not there?
 
What can I do when I really need him with me, but he's not there?
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Go bang on the door. If he's really still loving you, as well as his new wife, he'll understand. And if she's truly willing to be part of an existing family, not just trying to woo or whine him away from you, so will she.

If one or both of them blow up at you for needing him to help with a long-term, on-going issue that long predates her arrival, then you have further food for thought and decisions to be made. Exodus 21:9,10 seems apropos to the situation.

However, I would ALSO like to suggest that you seek a more permanent solution to these night terrors, perhaps involving the help of someone in an effective and reputable spiritual warfare ministry.

These night terrors are NOT normal, and NOT from God. His plan is that your sleep shall be untroubled and sweet. (Psalms, early chapters somewhere). That leaves one source, and it ain't pretty.

The good news is that, as a believer, you have AUTHORITY over that source! You merely need to learn how to wield it. And that can be learned.

My heart goes out to you, Scared wife, both with sympathy but, more importantly, with HOPE!
 
Hi again.
I have been wondering about you.

I am so sorry about your night terrors. I have only mild insomnia occassionally so I don't have a clue what you go through. So please don't think what an idiot I am, okay?

Are you under a doctor's care for the night terrors? Do you take any medication? I am sure you have tried everything I am just trying to get more information. My uninformed mind tells me that you should pray before sleep each night, asking God to protect you from having them and to keep you safe during them. And if you have one, when it is over, pray, thanking him for getting you through. Prayer does work. I don't know what His plan is for you, but prayer will not go unanswered.

As for the relationship with the second wife. First off, I don't call my s/w sister wife either. I call her by her name or on the board T. Sister wife is just not my favorite term. My advice (if you want it) is to actively persue a relationship with her. No, you don't have to be best friends, but you do have to work towards a working and trusting relationship. This is so important in a family and here is why...

I guess it is around 2 years ago, when we were at the beginning of our journey, there was a night when hubby and T both ended up in the hospital. Hubby because of severe abdominal pain and T because of a severe sinus infection. Because all of their lives together, T and hubby had taken care of themselves, I was sent home to my apartment while they went to the hospital. I was on my way home and feeling like this wasn't right, I called and asked permission to come be with them at the hospital. I sat with them through the night, while T slept (they had given her some drugs and she went to sleep) and while hubby had test after test and many many drugs to control his pain. When they were released, the nurse told me in no uncertain terms that neither of them should drive, but due to the fact that there was no trust between us, I watched T drive them home. I actually followed them to make sure they got there safely, but I felt like a complete failure as a family member because I wasn't doing my job and because T didn't trust me.

A few months later, after I had moved to Texas hubby ended up in the Emergency Room again. It was for the same abdominal pain and he ended up having emergency surgery to remove his gall bladder. T was unable to arrange to get to Texas in time, so I was the one who had to take care of hubby while he was recovering. Because T and I had made the choice to work on our relationship by talking every day and by sharing our hearts with each other, she was able to trust me to care for hubby. This may sound silly, but for a woman who has been married to a man for 35 years, it was pretty huge. She trusted me to call her at every step and to let her know how things were going. And I was trustworthy throughout.

This example highlights why it is so important to build our trust relationships. If it were me, and I were the 2nd wife in this situation, I would want to know about these night terrors. Since the second wife is part of the family, it is important for her to know that there could be screaming in the middle of the night and also, what can be done about it. I know that the first time I woke up to you running through the house screaming it would completely freak me out and I might call 911 in my own terror. I also believe that as your trust of each other grows, some of your anxieties will shrink. And also, as your trust for each other grows, it will be easier to say, "Hey I have an emergency here" and to get a response that is helpful.

SweetLissa
 
I completely agree with Cecil about banging on the door. You wouldn't turn your child away if he/she banged on the door would you?

SweetLissa
 
I think one of my children banged on the door once a long time ago.... Thankfully that's never been an issue, though I've seen a few exhibitions of night terrors in two of my children. I've heard that it is possibly hereditary, and my mother talked in her sleep, which is in the same "family" of sleep issues.

I would feel very uncomfortable with banging on the door, and I would hate to take him away on a night where it's not my "turn". That would likely go sour pretty quickly. As for the trust issue, I know that I have trouble trusting her because of a discussion in which she lied to me in a moment of self protection (her father was very abusive, and she got used to lying to keep out of trouble so she does it whenever she's afraid of something, and for some reason she's terrified of me). Since then I have had little to no trust of her, which is something I will need to deal with eventually. However, I don't think she'll ever be honest with me because she is always afraid of me. There's not much I can do to try to change her mind, and I have tried (before the lying incident) to be friendly towards her and talk to her. It seemed to make her more afraid of me.

As for medical care, I have gotten medication for insomnia in the past, though I haven't used it in a while since I had a baby waking up at night up until recently. I should probably go in for a sleep study, but I'd hate to be away from the house overnight, and knowing my luck, I wouldn't have an episode of a night terror anyway, so they'd just tell me it's all in my head. More than likely, they'd also try to prescribe anti-depressants, which I intend to avoid at all costs.
 
Scared Wife:

Please permit me to step in just a bit further with a recommendation.

You're telling us that your mom, and you, and two of your kids have or have had these problems? That sounds very like a generational thing. And believe me, there IS freedom available!

I'd really, really like to strongly recommend obtaining and reading "Free At Last" by Larry Huch. Something like $11 at Amazon. Issues of the marriage(s) and other-wife-relationship aside, you and yours, as daughters of the King, DESERVE freedom from these night terrors.

Wish I had wise advice to share regarding broken trust, but don't, much. That one is really hard. However, if God is entering your heart with the instruction to forebear for the healing of another of His hurt daughters, let me encourage you to hold on. His approval is well worth the trials, however severe.
 
My experience with trust is that it has two sides. She must try to earn your trust and you must allow her to. I understand that you feel that you will not be able to trust her with your feelings. No one is asking you to do that. I am simply talking about basic trust in her as a person. For instance, if I were the other wife in your house, I would find it easier to be caring of you if I knew you better. So, knowing that you have these night terrors, if you banged on my door on a night that he was with me, I would be able to completely understand and I would be gracious. Understand that I would expect you to be equally gracious to me and that is where the trust comes in. Even when T and I were not particularly trusting of each other, when her mother passed away, I found it easier to not "demand" my every other night during the time after the death and leading up to the funeral with family stuff going on. However, had I not gotten to know her as a person then I might not have been so understanding and demanded what was fair and equal. But by doing what I did, I set the stage for her to give me the same grace at another time. I guess what I am saying is that we all need to step out of our comfortable spaces and allow others to surprise us. When we choose to love one another (action, not emotion) we make ourselves vulnerable to her. Maybe you should ask her what she thinks should be done?

We had a situation in Reno in the winter. There was a huge snow storm and the news was predicting a couple of feet of snow over night and power outages. The first night was T's night. Before I said goodnight to hubby he told me that if my power went out I should call. I asked him why and he said that if my power went out he would want me to get in my car and drive to the other house and stay there on the couch. The power didn't go out and I never did have to sleep over. The next night was still storming and before we went to bed, he reminded me that T hates the snow and so if it snowed he might have to go to the other house that night. It bothered me, but of course I had to accept that she might need him more than I did on that particular night. And the next morning he had to go back early to shovel the snow and make sure the kids got to school.

My point is that when we are in a family we accept each other's differences and we work around them. I know that T hates strawberries and mushrooms. Hubby doesn't like chocolate. So when I cook, I do it with those things in mind. Hubby is allergic to things, so I don't serve those things. If someone is allergic to cats you work around that. Families are families. If my sister has nightmares, or is just sick, I am going to do what is necessary to work through that.

In the homeschooling thread you mentioned that you adjust your teaching depending on how each child learns. Well, we make adjustments for all the members of our families. You and she will need to learn to make those adjustments for each other. Otherwise, you will always be just dealing with the situation instead of creating a family and a happy home.

Gradually, as the relationships deepen, this "fairness" ends up not really mattering. Because when everyone in a relationship does the right thing then no one is supposed to feel the way you feel right now. Emergencies don't happen every day in most families and they don't last forever. I am sure there will be times when she will need you to give her some grace. Maybe you already have.

SweetLissa
 
Dear scaredwife,

While there has been some good advice here already, I would add that you have described is a situation which very much speaks of a different issue than what appears on the surface. (And I agree with Cecil's observation that some such issues can be generational.)

Obviously, the simple (and correct, but it is part of the larger picture) answer is prayer. "Continually". Most importantly, I would suggest that this be done with your husband and sister wife. (I will use that term, since it sounds like hearing it and using it yourself is part of the answer as well. "Faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God.") We are reminded repeatedly about two or more who are "gathered in His Name", "walk together", or ask in agreement; so "how much more so" is it important that a man and his wives are able to do so?

But the other issue which your post makes so clear MUST be addressed is a "spirit of fear", and those powers and principalities associated with it. This is a major study, and will probably take time, cooperation, reading, and prayer to address, but is too important to ignore.

Start with things like II Tim. 1:7 ("For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.") and note carefully those places as well where Yeshua taught of deliverance. There are a number of books with directly and explicitly Scriptural bases which discuss aspects of deliverance ministry; I can recommend several, based on your level of familiarity with the topic (feel free to PM me, or have your husband do so if you would like) or other concerns. Pastor Henry Wright ("Be in Health" should find a number of his books; A More Excellent Way is the most comprehensive, but he has produced titles on specific topics) is an excellent resource, and has an active and blessed healing ministry in Georgia. He also travels regularly and widely to teach, and attendance at one of his weekend sessions may be an option for you as well.

Perhaps a separate thread is even in order at some point, since I am aware that some people will be uncomfortable with the topic of spiritual attack, and the "weapons of our warfare" which our Savior has given us to use against the Enemy. But the Truth remains that He spent quite a bit of time dealing with and teaching about demonic influences, and both husbands and wives need to be open to the understanding that, as a teacher I know with a military background is wont to note, we should "expect to take flak if we are flying over the target".

Blessings in His healing, through YHVH Rapha,

Mark
 
Let me second the recommendation of Henry Wright as a resource. I've found his books and tapes invaluable.
 
scaredwife said:
..........the 2nd wife (I'm not ready to call her a sister wife)................
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i am only going to address one thing at this point
if this woman is a christian then she is my sister and yours
since you accept her as your husbands wife, why would you be unwilling to call her your sister wife?
 
Well for one, she's not exactly a Christian. God is still somewhat "new" to her.
 
My wife had a similar problem, which my son inherited. Although other factors prevented us from finding a permanent resolution with my wife's nightmares, etc., my son was another matter. When I realized what was happening, I began praying with him every night before he went to bed. I would specifically pray against bad dreams, command unclean spirits to leave him alone and to leave my house, and for God to place angels all around our house and specifically around me son to guard him. If he had a nightmare, we would repeat the same process. I also began doing a nightly family bible study at which we would sing a couple of praise songs and read some scripture. The problems for my son disappeared within a year and have never come back. That was more than 7 years ago now.

For some people the problem can be made more complex by habit, belief, mal-education, spiritual influences, and prescription drugs. In thinking about your own situation, see if you and your husband can identify things in your life that could be causing or encouraging this problem and other things that might be preventing resolution.
 
Thank you scaredwife for posting your feelings. I am sorry to hear of the tremendous difficulties, but it is a good reality check for men who are inquiring about this type of family arangement.

Someone had posted elsewhere a suggestion that an additional wife already be a close friend of the 1st. That seems to make sense. I saw a youtube video of three Christian wives who were being interviewed, and said that they were best friends. Would be interested to hear discussion from wives like that.

Sleeping arrangements. I think this is something that I would struggle with a lot. When work schedules have demanded seperate traveling, I struggle to get to sleep. Having my wife next to me after several years has become natural, and I'm not sure how I'd do apart from her.
 
This is Ben talking...

....as a husband, I can't imagine bringing a woman into the relationship without having the full support of my wife.

Additionally, I cannot imagine the idea of bringing in a woman who is not a faithful servant of Christ.

I do not mean to knock your husband's authority, nor do I wish to imply that you can or should go against him in any way.

But, I think you need to lift him up in prayer daily and lay it all before the Lord. Obey him. Follow him. Serve him. But *pray* for him.

Mind you, I'm only getting one side of the story (yours) and incomplete, but lots and lots of prickles in my spirit have gone off as I read through your various posts.

I'll try to remember to pray for you and your situation. My wife and I will pray for you tonight. :)

Lord bless you, scaredwife.
 
BexyandBen,
We wish all men came to poly in a more caring and loving manner, but that just isn't the case. Each husband handles it differently and unfortunately, wives get to deal with it the best that they can. That is one of the reasons for this board is to help people handle this situation from start to finish in a more caring and more Christ centered way. Lots of the time when people find us, they have already done it the wrong way. There is always more to the story and scared wife has made some amazing progress in her love and understanding of this life. She is an amazing woman.

SweetLissa
 
I was wondering for scared wife and for myself and others, does anyone know if counselling for people who are cool with plural available.
When and if it' s legal this is the second thing I would want God to provide.

Get some spiritual counselling asap by anyone who does it. Your marital relationship is irrelevant. I had some nasty visits in the night to and he/it is gone all praise be to the lord. Maybe something is chasing you and it can't hurt you in Jesus name. Will be praying for you.
I've prayed about this counselling thing before for every one. I know what it's like to be told so and so needs me and I'm busy.
I too wish he would be more loving. I experienced this as a potential. When I was married I told my husband to go to the new wife's house when she needed him. Even though I was up all night nursing and raising twin 2yr olds on top of the infant durring the day. I think for a while we only saw him 4hrs a day. But if your husband is an early to bed kind of guy and works all day that's not that much time really.
I may be off base so those of you have been married for much beyond my meger failed 5yrs tell me. But I think you need to decide that it will work and take the necessary steps. Of course relationships aren't one sided. I get that.
 
Even Christian counseling is so diverse that it would be hard to recommend anything like it in a plural setting. There is an email femina@biblicalfamilies.org that will send a private email to a few women who can talk things through with you if you are in a place of needing help. Sometimes just having a friend who isn't hot in the middle of the situation is a good thing. An outsider can bring perspective to any situation and can sometimes cut through the extra and focus on the real issue. That is an option for you. Another thing you might do is to PM someone that you have felt a connection to on the board. So if some woman has posted and you feel like you and she see eye to eye then feel free to send them a Private Message so that you can talk privately to them.

SweetLissa
 
Thank you again, Lissa, for helping to spearhead this valuable resource for women and wives.

I very much think that if such a support network had been available for my wife Bernadette during her times of fear and "friendship with the world" that our own struggle would have been greatly different. It is fair to say that I am not at all a fan of secular "counseling" in the vast majority of cases; even so-called "Christian" services seem to rarely care nearly so much about what the Word of God actually SAYS as they do about the word of men like Jung, Maslow, and Freud.

Blessings,
Mark


PS: At this point, however, I still have prayer. As always, it is much appreciated for any so inclined, that she will be healed, will turn from the abandonment of her set-apart Covenant, and will return to her husband who forgives, loves, and still covers her...
 
Counselling is so key. My X had talked to people all the while lying to me and demanding that I not share even the tiniest details to someone else as god does not honour that. Mean while sharing enough to justify the 4 month process to get me kicked out of church. None of wich he ever imformed me was happening. Now could he have been completely honest the whole discussion? maybe. But I know he left his wrong doings out. Like just being straight up mean and abandoning provoking and persecuting for months and then share the recational behavour of me being mad as the evidence that I am not a good christian. But he did not share the reality of the scenario for sure. And he certainly didn't divulge the numerous times he has lied since. Not to say you are a liar but councillors ask you what happened. Get you to walk through it. And then offer perspective. You may have a friend like that but you may only pick the person most likely to tell you what you want to hear. Keep sharing and reaching out however. Friends to lean on are key. God may be there for you but he designed you with a need for people. It's built right into you. It is godly to humble yourself and reach out to other human beings.
 
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