You are unique...and so is she.

[FollowingHim2]

I think one of the things that a woman struggles with the most at the beginning of coming into the understanding of PM, is that her husband could have sex with another woman. We've been raised to think that if he did, that would be cheating. We should be enough for him. He absolutely does not need anyone else. And *shock* *horror*, what if she was different or better!
Well, guess what, she's going to be different. And most likely she's going to be better at some things than you are. Perhaps that will come with experience, perhaps not, but it's going to happen.
And there's nothing wrong with any of that.
The thing is, all us women are built differently. We're all different heights, different sizes, we like different foods, we wear different clothes. Physically and emotionally we are different, and we're all different in sex too.
Check out this article. It's too graphic for me to post quotes of on here, so I'm told (I asked the mod sitting next to me ha ha!). But it makes a good point. Every part of us is unique, it's the way we've been created.
Now, instead of thinking about how terrifying it might be if a SW is different in bed, start thinking about it the other way around.
What a blessing for him! He gets two very different women, he gets variety, he gets to try different things with different women. He gets to love on them both differently. This is something wonderful that as wives we can give him.
There are actually heaps of positives I can think of about this, but if you feel like commenting, I'd like to hear your thoughts.
Also, I found that article through a link I followed from this article. I get emails from The Generous Wife every day (not normally about this topic lol!), and they can be really helpful. Sometimes they're as simple as telling hubby you love him every time you see him. Sometimes it's more about your attitude towards hubby. And sometimes it's about blessing him by tidying his office area. All things that can bless your husband and help your marriage. Worth subscribing to .

 

[Mojo]

Mrs. Mojo hasn't registered on here yet, so she can clarify if she ever does, but she's expressed some of these fears, but mostly, "are you still going to pay attention to me after experiencing someone new?". I think the sex is the first thought for most women, but the lack of ongoing attention is probably most scary.

Any other women care to confirm this?

 

[FollowingHim2]

Mojo, Mojo, Mojo. I believe this is your first offence, so I'll go lightly. Stay out of the ladies only area! If Mrs Mojo wishes to make an account (and we'd love her to!) then she can respond on here, and she can join us in the ladies chat. Thoroughly worth it BTW.

 

[Mojo]

Oh snap! My bad! Probation? Jail time, next time. My bad...long day already, so didn't notice the forum. Should I delete?

 

[FollowingHim2]

Na. Leave it up. Just remember for next time. And get your wife to sign up already!

 

[WifeOfHisYouth]

I don't have time to really put thought into the subject and respond..
But I do have to say that @Mojo hits the nail on the head for many of my insecurities and worries going into this journey and why I do desperately dread it, to be honest.

 

[FollowingHim2]

The lack of attention, or the lack of time? He may not have as much time, but that will just encourage him to make the time he has available more 'quality' time.
And, I can guarantee that hubby is not going to get bored with you. He's not going to get so excited about this new woman that he shoves you out. The point of polygyny is not serial monogamy, it's not about replacement. It's truly about having 2 or more women that a man loves.

 

[Joleneakamama]

The article certainly brought up some very real things to consider!

I see sex (prefer the term making love) as the pinnacle of expression between people who care deeply for each other, but if they don't have a relationship otherwise, all they could really be expressing is lust in varying degrees. The thought of being physically intimate with someone without an emotional connection and TRUST (so that emotional intimacy can exist) is so foreign to me, that it boggles my brain to try and contemplate that kind of foundation less relationship.

The physical aspect can only be as good as the rest of what two people have together.....at least in the long term. I think there have been many shows over the years like "The Newlywed Game" where people laugh at how little married people know about each other.

I think it is a brave man who is willing to proceed with developing a relationship with not just one, but TWO women that are both so different from him, and likely each other too!

Personally, I take comfort in knowing my hubby doesn't discuss our private life with ANYONE, and I am the same. This allows us to share with each other, and know that what is shared is strictly between us.

Loved those observations about how things get better when a couple has experience WITH EACH OTHER!
I'll give that a big thumbs up, and highly reccomend it.

Thanks for the thread Sarah, it might help all of us put insecurities to rest.

 

[FollowingHim2]

The thought of being physically intimate with someone without an emotional connection and TRUST (so that emotional intimacy can exist) is so foreign to me, that it boggles my brain to try and contemplate that kind of foundation less relationship.

Oh I hear you there! I don't understand one night stands. I mean, I know they happen, I do understand that two people want to do that, but to me the concept is completely insane. Just...why?!
Interestingly I was reading the other day that there is a new name for people who can only enjoy sex in a committed relationship where they have developed trust first. I can't remember what it's called now, but it's one of these new letters they want to stick onto the LGBT etc list. And I was thinking, but that's not different, that's normal! Why does it have to be 'called' something?

But in understanding all that, we understand that our men are not just going around and having sex with any woman that walks past. They are doing it in a fully committed marriage. It's a beautiful and wonderful thing. And it doesn't have to be something that we worry about or compete with, but is simply a part of our marriage, and a part of theirs.

 

[windblown]

Samuel is one lucky guy.

 

[Sonshine]

Reading this, I'm realizing just how far I have to go to get to where you are.
My husband just started courtship with a woman. Even though she and I are friends in our own right, and I love her dearly... This is a concept that I'm really struggling with.
But, please!!! Keep posting things like this...I'll get there eventually. Right?

 

[FollowingHim2]

And yet, I'm still an only wife . I'm trusting YHWH though, it'll happen at some point!

ChristineP, I'm glad this helped a bit. You WILL get there eventually. It WILL become easier as time goes on. Just keep taking it slow, keep going back to YHWH and praying.
What is it specifically that upsets you about it? Is the thought of that worse than them committing to each other, saying vows, and her coming into your home as another wife?

 

[Sonshine]

I'm so sorry it takes so long for me to respond. I don't have any excuse other than that it just seems I am too busy to get on here and respond. Just know that even if it takes awhile, I love coming here and, Sarah, you are a HUGE encouragement to me!!

To answer your question, I have been trying to figure out what it is that actually upsets me about all of this. I would have to say, that even though I really do love the woman that has come into our lives, I have a difficult time (sometimes) seeing her as anything other than a woman trying to take my place.
I have been my husband's best friend and confidante for fourteen years now. The thought of having to share that with someone else...It's jarring.

And it's NOTHING personal against her. She's really a very wonderful woman. And, honestly, I would have no negative feelings if it weren't for our situation. I love her. And I hope that if she and my husband don't work out, we can still be friends. Because we were all friends first.

But, I've always been so secure in my relationship with my husband. We've always had a WONDERFUL marriage. Not perfect, of course, but so drama-free and just calm.

All that has changed now.

The thought that I won't have access to him as often as I do now, scares me. The thought that she's so much prettier and younger, scares me. I have more than a decade on her. I've had four children. I'm not in my twenties anymore.

I know all of this is normal. I really do. I know that my husband still loves me.

I just want to weep at the thought that the closeness we've shared for so long may just not be anymore. Everything will always be more exciting with her for him.

Honestly, I HATE how emotional I am over this. You may not believe it, but, I've actually (for the most part) been a pretty calm woman. I try to look at things from a more rational standpoint. But, my husband means the WORLD to me. And the life we've built means the WORLD to me.

I'm so afraid of change. And afraid that I won't be capable of it.

 

[FollowingHim2]

The thought that she's so much prettier and younger, scares me. I have more than a decade on her. I've had four children. I'm not in my twenties anymore.

Our society has a really messed up view of beauty. Just go and read Song of Solomon chapter 7.
"Your rounded thighs are like Jewels." No thigh gap there.
"Your belly is a heap of wheat." Heap. of. wheat. Really. Mounded even.
"Your neck is like an ivory tower." A tower. A giant tall tower.
"Your nose is like a tower of Lebanon..." Another tower. You know, towers that stick up tall, high, for everyone around to see.
And I'm not even going to go into likening breasts to fawns, ha ha!
You want to know what men in general find most attractive? Fertility. I am 34 years old. I have had 6 children and am currently pregnant again. I have a flabby tummy (when not pregnant), stretch marks, giant breasts that drive me nuts, and Samuel loves all of it. I have aged and it is wonderful, I'm not the person I was 10 years ago, I have the maturity and wisdom in mind and body of those years and I'm thankful for it. In our society we look upon ageing and fertility as terrible things and we try to stop the both of them, yet they were both given to us for a reason and they are both truly valuable. If you want to ask an elder for advice, you go to someone who you know is an elder, someone who is covered in wrinkles and sun spots. And the wisdom you can gain from them is invaluable. I see wrinkles as YHWH's sign of wisdom. I welcome them. And I could have a huge rant about how we try and destroy fertility, but it will go on too long so I'll leave it there. But know that it is a sign of beauty, all of it, and not anything bad. Just ask hubby, I can guarantee he thinks it's beautiful.

I just want to weep at the thought that the closeness we've shared for so long may just not be anymore. Everything will always be more exciting with her for him.

No, no it won't. It's only exciting now. The honeymoon period with her will end too and things will settle down. The closeness that you have with him shouldn't change, but see my comment on the other thread for more about that.

I'm so afraid of change. And afraid that I won't be capable of it.

But you are! You are very much able to cope with it! I can tell by your posts the kind of person you are, and YHWH has put you in this for a reason. You will grow and learn and gain wisdom (and wrinkles ). You will find stamina and deep down love that you probably didn't know you had. PM when it works is truly a beautiful thing, so what greater thing is there for a woman of true beauty like yourself to be involved in?

 

[Sonshine]

Our society has a really messed up view of beauty. Just go and read Song of Solomon chapter 7.

You're right...I would say the things about me that husband doesn't necessarily appreciate anymore are things that are within my control to change. Everything else, he thinks is beautiful.

But you are! You are very much able to cope with it! I can tell by your posts the kind of person you are, and YHWH has put you in this for a reason. You will grow and learn and gain wisdom (and wrinkles ). You will find stamina and deep down love that you probably didn't know you had. PM when it works is truly a beautiful thing, so what greater thing is there for a woman of true beauty like yourself to be involved in?

Sarah, thank you for being so encouraging all the time. Right now, I'm at a point where I realized that I was taking this young woman who I love deeply and letting my fear hurt our relationship. I'm determined to do the best I can. For everyone involved. If only I wouldn't keep screwing up all the time!

 

[woman]

Hi, i haven't been here for a while. But i was thinking about this, what would it be like if i was a first wife (something that could also happen). I thought about what would hurt me if my husband would marry a second wife after many years. And the thing that really made me cry was that i would also change. It would not just be seeing my husband also with another woman, not just that he gives half of the time to another woman, but that i would change too. And i wonder if people realise that when they start opening up to PM. I think i would change in how i would relate to him, not better, not worse, but i think it would be different, i think the relationship would change. We all read about the pain first wives are feeling, and the fear they have. But wouldn't it be different anyway if you know you are the ONLY wife or ONE of his wives. I wonder if there are any first wives who can comment on this. So something else than the feelings of jealousy, fear and pain. First wives?

 

[Davids1stwife]

I have thought about this aspect of polygamy for many years. I thought it would be easy....until I was actually faced with another woman as a possibility.
Even though we are not "there" yet...I have found myself doing the comparison thing.
I never realized how insecure I was about my body! Yes I have cried over my insecurities, but I fully intend to overcome them.
Thank you for this place to explore them.

 

[Joleneakamama]

Comparisons should not be made, as each is an individual. Now people can and do have different strengths and weaknesses, and one might even be inspired to change by a strength or particular quality that a sisterwife has, but to ever think someone is better, or worse, is to judge one or the other against a false ideal, which is another unique creation.
I think the dumbest saying ever is "If I were you, I'd _______(insert untrue statement, unless of course the one being spoken to actually does precisely what you would do! LOL)" because if you really were that individual, you would do whatever they do, no matter how unfathomable it is to you! You would have their unique combination of genes, experiences and such, that combine to make them who they are. This is why I love the humble attitude that says "There but for the grace of God go I," Because it acknowledges that no two of us live the same life.

Maybe it's a bad analogy, but there was a time in my life when horses were a huge part of my life, and I learned many things from my passion and love for working with them. Once I was a one horse gal, and I might have thought, in that place of limited experience, that some things unique to her, were just general qualities possessed by all horses. Over the years I acquired more horses, and soon I had four I could ride, and four minis I could drive to carts. Over the years I continued to work with countless horses, and each animal was unique. I learned from each one, and I realized to a far greater extent as my knowledge base increased, what was 'horse nature,' and what was unique and to be appreciated about that particular animal. Some people end up horse poor, because they realize if they sell a particular horse, they will never own another just like it. This is why we mourn for our pets when they die, because another dog, or cat, of the same breed and gender even, can never be the animal we lost.

If animals are each unique and appreciated for that, why would we as women, wives and mothers feel a need to compete with someone else? Why would we worry that another could EVER take our place?
If you have several children you know, that your second son or daughter didn't replace the first, but only added another dimension. We have six sons, and ZERO repetition! Two daughters, and I laugh when the older one gets frustrated with how often her little room mate changes her clothes, because THAT is something that they both did at that age and stage! :-D But one could never in a squillion years take the place of the other. Lets be thankful for who we are, and trust that God has a purpose even in our weaknesses, while we work on growing in ways that please Him.

Just a few rambling thoughts here....for whatever they are worth.

 

[Sonshine]

So, @Joleneakamama, you hit the nail right on it's head...
These are things my husband is constantly trying to remind me of.
My own thoughts recently have just been more intense.
Especially after being in this polygamy thing for real, I'm finding that the comparison thing is the hardest for me. "She's prettier than me", "she's younger than me", "she's funnier than me", "he's more excited about her", "they will have/already have a better relationship than husband and I do".... It's endless, really. And while I'm not going to lie and say that I'm cured; I can say that I know deep down how pointless it is. Because, honestly, what good are these comparisons going to do for me? They've really only brought me heartache and pain. Because I really can never stack up against her.
So what if all those things are true? So. What?
I can't keep doing this to myself and no one else should, either. It really comes down to me needing to focus on my Savior and what my greatness is in HIM.

@Joleneakamama, I think the horse analogy is GREAT, by the way.

 

[Joleneakamama]

So, @Joleneakamama, you hit the nail right on it's head...
These are things my husband is constantly trying to remind me of.
My own thoughts recently have just been more intense.
Especially after being in this polygamy thing for real, I'm finding that the comparison thing is the hardest for me. "She's prettier than me", "she's younger than me", "she's funnier than me", "he's more excited about her", "they will have/already have a better relationship than husband and I do".... It's endless, really. And while I'm not going to lie and say that I'm cured; I can say that I know deep down how pointless it is. Because, honestly, what good are these comparisons going to do for me? They've really only brought me heartache and pain. Because I really can never stack up against her.
So what if all those things are true? So. What?
I can't keep doing this to myself and no one else should, either. It really comes down to me needing to focus on my Savior and what my greatness is in HIM.

@Joleneakamama, I think the horse analogy is GREAT, by the way.

I think you're halfway there Sonshine, when you arrive you will realize that she can never stack up against you either!

Would she have been as gracious as a first wife, and supported her husband in marrying another? Maybe, but it sure isn't provable, because that isn't the reality you are living.
I surely don't mean any slight to your potential sisterwife by what I have said. I think she sounds really neat! When you look at her good qualities, don't forget you have your own. Honestly, I have been impressed by the attitude reflected in your posts from the beginning.

I was told once by someone who had never even met me, she thought I'd be a tough act to follow. (Snort) I KNOW very well I'm not perfect! But I got a good dose of "Learn by doing" thinking in 4-H, and one of my favorite poems is this one by Edgar Guest, that inspires me to try most anything (within moral bounds of course) and "That which you persist in doing becomes easier, not that the nature of the task is changed, but that your ability to do it is increased!"
Just keep your head up, your eyes on the goal (becoming more christlike) and maybe sing a little!?!? ((Hugs))


It Couldn’t Be Done
By Edgar Albert Guest
Somebody said that it couldn’t be done
But he with a chuckle replied
That “maybe it couldn’t,” but he would be one
Who wouldn’t say so till he’d tried.
So he buckled right in with the trace of a grin
On his face. If he worried he hid it.
He started to sing as he tackled the thing
That couldn’t be done, and he did it!
Somebody scoffed: “Oh, you’ll never do that;
At least no one ever has done it;”
But he took off his coat and he took off his hat
And the first thing we knew he’d begun it.
With a lift of his chin and a bit of a grin,
Without any doubting or quiddit,
He started to sing as he tackled the thing
That couldn’t be done, and he did it.
There are thousands to tell you it cannot be done,
There are thousands to prophesy failure,
There are thousands to point out to you one by one,
The dangers that wait to assail you.
But just buckle in with a bit of a grin,
Just take off your coat and go to it;
Just start in to sing as you tackle the thing
That “cannot be done,” and you’ll do it.


P.S. in Disney's movie "The finest Hours" the men setting out on an impossible rescue.....sang! It so reminded me of this poem, and the power of a song to lift one's spirits.