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Support Advice for supporting first wife in accepting polygyny.

S

Stuckinthewoods

New Member
Hello everyone. I am new here, but in the past few months, God has been revealing a ton to me about sex, marriage, and plural marriage. In the process, I am trying to determine his will for our lives, but am running into major conflicts with my wife.

Off the bat, I have to say that I (in general) have a great relationship with my wife. I do not find myself lacking in our relationship in any major way, and we have been the best of friends for the past 13 years, 10 of those being married to each other.

It has come up that not only do I believe and have the backing for polygyny being biblically-based, but through much meditation, prayer, and fasting, I realize that this is a desire that I have for myself and my family.

She is devastated.

The more that I pursue knowledge, wisdom, understanding, and the holy spirit's guidance in this, the more I come to the conclusion that I believe that this is God's will for us.

However, she claimss that she is increasingly more resolute that this can't possibly be the case, citing the following as her reasons:

- She doesn't feel it is the direction she wants, therefore it can't be for us.
- She feels like we must be missing something from the Bible.
- She holds that she would be miserable for the rest of her life if there was another woman in the house that I was married to.
- She says her intuition says plural marriage for us has to be wrong.
- She holds that she will never absolve me of the monogamous vows that we made on our wedding day, and that she has every right to do so.

As you can tell, she is rather strong willed (which is not necessarily a bad thing, except that now I think it is starting to make her disrespect my headship over her) I hear and respect each of those reasons, especially the last one, but as my resolve on each of these points is the opposite, I'm not sure how to reason with her anymore.

I think a key part of all of this is that I already have inclinations toward a prospective second wife. I don't want to "muddy the waters" with feelings, but soon after coming to the realization that plural marriage is biblically lawful, I have felt a strong draw toward a specific woman that I have known for a while (disclaimer: even in my mind, I never pursued connection beyond friendship with this woman prior to the realization of biblical plural marriage- and its not just because of physical attraction, there are many reasons why she would make an incredible wife and addition to my family). There are many more details, but I am very aware that "eros love" can "feel like the holy spirit", but there are many reasons that I don't think this me just wanting to live in some "fantasy land" either.

I did not plan on bringing up the fact to my wife that there is someone I have been thinking about, but she asked me outright if there was, so, of course, I told her.

Perhaps it is because she now as an object of contention (the unspecting other woman) working as a catalyst in some way- but I'm just not sure how to handle her (my wife) anymore. I am more in love with her (my wife) than I have ever been, taking more and more seriously how the Bible says a righteous man ought to treat his wife, and learning how to cherishing her heart in all of this, yet it feels like she is spitting in my face by her outright refusal of my desire to have a second wife, and holding our marriage vows over me as a technicality.

Most discussions turn into character assassinations from her, calling all me sorts of things like "selfish, perverted, deceived, demon-possessed," and the like. We have had a couple of really good heart-to-hearts about all this, but by the next time we talk about it, her heart has completely hardened and it feels like all the progress has been lost.

I just dont know how to reconcile what she's feeling with the direction I feel like God is leading me. I have been fasting for five weeks about this (eating one meal a day to keep my strength up at work), and I am moving into my sixth and final week. I am praying nonstop about this, and memorizing tons of scripture. I am asking for guidance and wisdom and I believe I have heard from the holy spirit on multiple occasions concerning this (I know this can be contentious, but I am trying to be very discerning between my voice and the holy spirit right now), but still I feel like I'm running into a brick wall with my wife.

- Am I expecting too much from her to fast? We only started discussing this two months or so ago. Should I try to be more patient, and "play the long-game"?
- I feel strongly that I should talk to woman #2 and see where she is at to know how to move forward, but I don’t want to do so if all I'm feeling is my own personal desire to pursue her. I really want to holy spirit's guidance on this so it doesn't blow up and cause anyone shame (also, my wife has forbidden me to talk to her about this per our marriage vows. I have more-or-less conceded to this request). Is it wiser to just wait and see how the next couple months play out with my wife, or if Im feeling inclined to do so, should I push for talking to woman #2?
- How do I deal with the whole marriage vow issue? I am resolute to stand by my vow until she absolves me of it, but it seems like she is going to just keep holding it over me as a "technicality" as long as she can. I have read all the forums I could find in this matter, but I didn't find any that talk about what to do with a wife who holds to them regardless of what the Bible says about the awfulness of plural marriage.

Sorry it's not just one straight-forward question. I guess I am just looking for advice from people who have gone through this before.

If you got to this point, thank you for taking the time to read this! God bless you all.
 
Before we go on why don't you visit this topic and introduce yourself? Maybe share some of your history with your wife, too. ;)

Introductions

Introduce yourself to the group, get a hardy virtual "slap on the back" in return. (E-hugs, if you prefer.)
biblicalfamilies.org biblicalfamilies.org
 
1) I do think you need up attraction of your wife towards you

2) Play it as long game. You are risking destruction of your family, not need to hurry up.

3) You need to face possibily of willfull sabotage by your wife. She could be rebellious. Mostly it's case of emotional insecurity (what will others think, will she be left alone)

4) Women like to find replacement (ie new man), then do switching. Men are more likely to be break relationship, then find new girl. Her instict will be telling her you are trying to do things "woman's way"

5) How much you are egalitarians? The more you are egalitarians, tbe worse/harder this will be for you. One reason is fundamental asymetry in rules, another is assuming you both think same

6) Is she shaming your sexuality?

7) It takes woman about year or two to accept polygyny. If she isn't moving forward every quarter or two, something is wrong

8) Your work will be mostly about managing her feelings than anything else

9) Polygyny comes naturally to you. Another wife is great reward. If you wife thinks she will get nothing, why she would sacrifice for you?
 
Greetings and welcome to Biblical Families.

If you haven't read the article, Peeling the Onion, i suggest you take the time to do so. Here's a link: https://whenwebecamethree.wixsite.com/home/blog

Understanding your wife's mind-set will help you navigate through the emotional quagmire you've unleashed in your wife. If polygyny is something you have only recently begun discussing, it'll take a while for her to get her head around it. Go slow - remember the story of the Hare and the Tortoise? Cheers
 
I was in a similar situation. Especially with the vows. Your priority right now if you wish to keep your current wife and not simply pursue something you have a Godly right to is to Love your wife through this.

Be very clear on your family vision and what God is showing you and very respectful and always addressing her fears and primarily her fear of replacement. Always reassuring her that it is addition and not replacement which means lots of extra reassurance.

Think long game like years not months with your wife and yes this is painful for a man.

I personally wouldn't involve a second heart yet until you have it at least directionally clear with your first wife (assuming you are not wanting to just do what you want at all costs).

But some good news take it slow and listen to God on how to love your wife. I personally hold that a vow is serious before God and even when done in your ignorance you are accountable to it, I know many on here hold that it is irrelevant and that will be up to you. But as it was serious to me a year in my wife and I renewed our vows to suit a plural marriage, bear in mind that she was like your wife to begin with.

We are now in the process of getting her ready to walk it out when and if God brings in another wife.

So there is hope and love will help them change and come into line under your headship.
 
Stuckinthewoods said:
Hello everyone. I am new here, but in the past few months, God has been revealing a ton to me about sex, marriage, and plural marriage. In the process, I am trying to determine his will for our lives, but am running into major conflicts with my wife.

Off the bat, I have to say that I (in general) have a great relationship with my wife. I do not find myself lacking in our relationship in any major way, and we have been the best of friends for the past 13 years, 10 of those being married to each other.

It has come up that not only do I believe and have the backing for polygyny being biblically-based, but through much meditation, prayer, and fasting, I realize that this is a desire that I have for myself and my family.

She is devastated.

The more that I pursue knowledge, wisdom, understanding, and the holy spirit's guidance in this, the more I come to the conclusion that I believe that this is God's will for us.

However, she claimss that she is increasingly more resolute that this can't possibly be the case, citing the following as her reasons:

- She doesn't feel it is the direction she wants, therefore it can't be for us.
- She feels like we must be missing something from the Bible.
- She holds that she would be miserable for the rest of her life if there was another woman in the house that I was married to.
- She says her intuition says plural marriage for us has to be wrong.
- She holds that she will never absolve me of the monogamous vows that we made on our wedding day, and that she has every right to do so.

As you can tell, she is rather strong willed (which is not necessarily a bad thing, except that now I think it is starting to make her disrespect my headship over her) I hear and respect each of those reasons, especially the last one, but as my resolve on each of these points is the opposite, I'm not sure how to reason with her anymore.

I think a key part of all of this is that I already have inclinations toward a prospective second wife. I don't want to "muddy the waters" with feelings, but soon after coming to the realization that plural marriage is biblically lawful, I have felt a strong draw toward a specific woman that I have known for a while (disclaimer: even in my mind, I never pursued connection beyond friendship with this woman prior to the realization of biblical plural marriage- and its not just because of physical attraction, there are many reasons why she would make an incredible wife and addition to my family). There are many more details, but I am very aware that "eros love" can "feel like the holy spirit", but there are many reasons that I don't think this me just wanting to live in some "fantasy land" either.

I did not plan on bringing up the fact to my wife that there is someone I have been thinking about, but she asked me outright if there was, so, of course, I told her.

Perhaps it is because she now as an object of contention (the unspecting other woman) working as a catalyst in some way- but I'm just not sure how to handle her (my wife) anymore. I am more in love with her (my wife) than I have ever been, taking more and more seriously how the Bible says a righteous man ought to treat his wife, and learning how to cherishing her heart in all of this, yet it feels like she is spitting in my face by her outright refusal of my desire to have a second wife, and holding our marriage vows over me as a technicality.

Most discussions turn into character assassinations from her, calling all me sorts of things like "selfish, perverted, deceived, demon-possessed," and the like. We have had a couple of really good heart-to-hearts about all this, but by the next time we talk about it, her heart has completely hardened and it feels like all the progress has been lost.

I just dont know how to reconcile what she's feeling with the direction I feel like God is leading me. I have been fasting for five weeks about this (eating one meal a day to keep my strength up at work), and I am moving into my sixth and final week. I am praying nonstop about this, and memorizing tons of scripture. I am asking for guidance and wisdom and I believe I have heard from the holy spirit on multiple occasions concerning this (I know this can be contentious, but I am trying to be very discerning between my voice and the holy spirit right now), but still I feel like I'm running into a brick wall with my wife.

- Am I expecting too much from her to fast? We only started discussing this two months or so ago. Should I try to be more patient, and "play the long-game"?
- I feel strongly that I should talk to woman #2 and see where she is at to know how to move forward, but I don’t want to do so if all I'm feeling is my own personal desire to pursue her. I really want to holy spirit's guidance on this so it doesn't blow up and cause anyone shame (also, my wife has forbidden me to talk to her about this per our marriage vows. I have more-or-less conceded to this request). Is it wiser to just wait and see how the next couple months play out with my wife, or if Im feeling inclined to do so, should I push for talking to woman #2?
- How do I deal with the whole marriage vow issue? I am resolute to stand by my vow until she absolves me of it, but it seems like she is going to just keep holding it over me as a "technicality" as long as she can. I have read all the forums I could find in this matter, but I didn't find any that talk about what to do with a wife who holds to them regardless of what the Bible says about the awfulness of plural marriage.

Sorry it's not just one straight-forward question. I guess I am just looking for advice from people who have gone through this before.

If you got to this point, thank you for taking the time to read this! God bless you all.
Click to expand...
My wife knew about my belief in polygyny when she married me and it still took her 4 years and a lot of turmoil to even start down the road of being willing to consider it.

I don’t know what the Holy Spirit is telling you but here’s what the history says; this woman you are interested in is unlikely to be interested in you. If God is calling you into this then he will bring your wife along but you can’t force her. That has never worked.

You claim a call to polygyny. Awesome. But that means having two wives. Which means keeping the first one. Now maybe you’ve misinterpreted the call. Maybe God wants you take this new woman no matter what, consequences be damned and your current wife can love it or leave it.

I am not mocking that option. I am convinced that there are times that is God’s will. But not often.

The history says that what works is to instantly stop talking to of your wife about this. Even if she brings it up. Begin improving your economic situation. Most of the men I know who have been successful at polygyny have been entrepreneurs. They haven’t all be successful entrepreneurs but I can’t think of one who wasn’t some version of a visionary risk taker.

Then focus on your leadership and taking full control of your home. Your first marriage has to function like a successful plural home before you add the second wife.

Welcome to BibFam! We’re glad to have you! You are at a critical phase in your journey. This is frequently where things fall apart. Be wise! Be strategic. Be the river!

Please form relationships here. They will pay off.
 
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