Or so Alder says. And I believe him.
Alfred Alder was an Austrian medical doctor, psychotherapist and founder of the school of individual psychology. If I can do this right, hopefully there will be a working link to his Wikipedia page here in case you want to know more about him. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alfred_Adler
Alder's ideas later inspired Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga to write the books The Courage to Be Disliked and The Courage to Be Happy, where his ideas and theories for how to live a content life are explored.
I wanted to share the idea that all problems are interpersonal relationship problems. There are often times when I feel overwhelmed and upset but then can't really pinpoint what exactly is bothering me. So I use this to break down exactly what I am feeling. If all problems are interpersonal relationship problems and essentially what that means is at the root of the problem someone is feeling is one (or more) of the following (or something similar):
I feel like my place is being taken.
Please help me.
I'm not sure if it is okay for me to be here.
Please help me feel my place is assured.
Don't abandon me.
I feel inferior.
By remembering this (all problems are interpersonal relationship problems) and exploring these root feelings I have been successful at finding and disregarding those feelings. Most of the time. When I look into those feelings, I can go through them and see how they don't have control over me. If I feel like I'm being displaced, I remind myself that we are building horizontal relationships, not vertical relationships. This is another one of Alder's ideas. We need to view those around us as runners on a field, there is literally no one who is above us. We all have room to be where we are, and our job is to encourage those around us to run the race as best as each of us can. Some may be in front or some behind us, but our goal is for all of us to collectively cross the finish line together. We are comrades in this together. Vertical relationships are on a ladder instead of a field. There is only room for one at the top and we are enemies fighting for that one position. So if I feel displaced, I remind myself it is okay for me to be here. And there is no top position. We are all comrades. This idea makes so much sense when considered with poly. Worldly monogamy teaches that marriage is vertical, one wife fighting for the top position for her husband's affection. But if marriage is viewed as a horizontal relationship there is room for multiple wives, all comrades, trying to encourage each other to cross the finish line together. I can't be displaced if I am thinking of all relationships as horizontal relationships.
Sometimes though some of those feelings need to be vocalized and this is helpful to recognize also. Sometimes I need to tell my husband, I am afraid of being abandoned, so I can be reassured. I'm not downplaying that aspect, it is real. Sometimes we can't work it out on our own, sometimes we need to be able to speak to our husband or text our friend that we know will pray for us.
Having the tools and ideas to dissect what I am feeling really has been so helpful that I wanted to share. Instead of being overwhelmed and lashing out or being emotional without knowing why, I can sit back and try to think and figure out what exactly is going on and then take action from a position of knowing where the problem is stemming from. So just wanted to throw that out there as a way that I have been able to get through my emotions, in case it could be helpful for anyone else.
Alfred Alder was an Austrian medical doctor, psychotherapist and founder of the school of individual psychology. If I can do this right, hopefully there will be a working link to his Wikipedia page here in case you want to know more about him. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alfred_Adler
Alder's ideas later inspired Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga to write the books The Courage to Be Disliked and The Courage to Be Happy, where his ideas and theories for how to live a content life are explored.
I wanted to share the idea that all problems are interpersonal relationship problems. There are often times when I feel overwhelmed and upset but then can't really pinpoint what exactly is bothering me. So I use this to break down exactly what I am feeling. If all problems are interpersonal relationship problems and essentially what that means is at the root of the problem someone is feeling is one (or more) of the following (or something similar):
I feel like my place is being taken.
Please help me.
I'm not sure if it is okay for me to be here.
Please help me feel my place is assured.
Don't abandon me.
I feel inferior.
By remembering this (all problems are interpersonal relationship problems) and exploring these root feelings I have been successful at finding and disregarding those feelings. Most of the time. When I look into those feelings, I can go through them and see how they don't have control over me. If I feel like I'm being displaced, I remind myself that we are building horizontal relationships, not vertical relationships. This is another one of Alder's ideas. We need to view those around us as runners on a field, there is literally no one who is above us. We all have room to be where we are, and our job is to encourage those around us to run the race as best as each of us can. Some may be in front or some behind us, but our goal is for all of us to collectively cross the finish line together. We are comrades in this together. Vertical relationships are on a ladder instead of a field. There is only room for one at the top and we are enemies fighting for that one position. So if I feel displaced, I remind myself it is okay for me to be here. And there is no top position. We are all comrades. This idea makes so much sense when considered with poly. Worldly monogamy teaches that marriage is vertical, one wife fighting for the top position for her husband's affection. But if marriage is viewed as a horizontal relationship there is room for multiple wives, all comrades, trying to encourage each other to cross the finish line together. I can't be displaced if I am thinking of all relationships as horizontal relationships.
Sometimes though some of those feelings need to be vocalized and this is helpful to recognize also. Sometimes I need to tell my husband, I am afraid of being abandoned, so I can be reassured. I'm not downplaying that aspect, it is real. Sometimes we can't work it out on our own, sometimes we need to be able to speak to our husband or text our friend that we know will pray for us.
Having the tools and ideas to dissect what I am feeling really has been so helpful that I wanted to share. Instead of being overwhelmed and lashing out or being emotional without knowing why, I can sit back and try to think and figure out what exactly is going on and then take action from a position of knowing where the problem is stemming from. So just wanted to throw that out there as a way that I have been able to get through my emotions, in case it could be helpful for anyone else.
