I was just curious to know how many of us women have read the book "Created to be his Helpmeet" by Debi Pearl? I actually started reading it several months before my husband brought up plural marriage. I felt very convicted by it at the time, and now feel like the changes I made were almost a preparation for what we're going through now. I have noticed that a lot of the encouragement that is shared here many times mirrors what the book has to say. Ironically, the Pearls are very much against polygamy. I should know, since I tried to contact her through their website after my husband came to me with what he was thinking, and their reply back was for me to leave and have him arrested for bigamy! I think she would be surprised to know how her book has really steered me in the other direction.
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Created to be his Helpmeet
- Thread starter Elaine
- Start date
For me, the book just really hammered home the idea that a woman's most important ministry is in being a helpmeet to the husband that God gave her, and that since God's design and his intent is for the wife to submit to her husband, then not submitting to your husband is not submitting to God. It really stresses that God has placed you with your husband for a reason, and it is a natural thing and good to mold yourself around what he feels God is leading him to do. It says that a wife should think first of her husband's wants and needs because we were created for them, not the other way around. Pretty controversial stuff in the age of feminism, but everything she says is scripture-based, whether it's hard to hear or not. But I think even most church-going women that accept the Biblical stance on the role of a wife only do so through the lens of feminism, so the book isn't always well-received. People also criticize it for not balancing the arguments with talking about the husband's role, but it isn't for them, it's for wives.
Hi ladies! I was intrigued when I read this post and decided to look into the book. I looked for it on Amazon, read several reviews, and was appalled at what other women had to say about this book. Now, having not read it myself, I can not agree nor disagree with how I saw the book criticized, but I am convinced that if several women had the same feelings after reading it, there must be some truth to the imbalance they spoke of. Was the book soley addressing the issue of wives submitting to their husbands, or was the scripture stating that husbands should love and care for their wives as Christ does the church mentioned and discussed?
Most of the reviews all touched on how harsh Mrs. Pearl's tone was toward women. Many of them felt that she was suggesting that if a woman and/ or her children were abused in any way by their husband and father, that it was always hands down the woman's fault. There was even a review written by a woman from her personal story of how reading this book did the opposite of good for her marriage and when she told her husband about the book and why she had changed so drastically as a person, wife and mother he was angry.
So my questions to those of you who have read and liked the book are what positives did you take from it and did you feel any negative connotations at all? Did you apply any of what Mrs. Pearl wrote and find it to be strengthening to your marriage?
Most of the reviews all touched on how harsh Mrs. Pearl's tone was toward women. Many of them felt that she was suggesting that if a woman and/ or her children were abused in any way by their husband and father, that it was always hands down the woman's fault. There was even a review written by a woman from her personal story of how reading this book did the opposite of good for her marriage and when she told her husband about the book and why she had changed so drastically as a person, wife and mother he was angry.
So my questions to those of you who have read and liked the book are what positives did you take from it and did you feel any negative connotations at all? Did you apply any of what Mrs. Pearl wrote and find it to be strengthening to your marriage?
GloryGirl
Member
I will start by saying that I have not read this book, either, but the discussion of the concepts intrigues me.
Cheri, (Had to stop myself from putting an "e" on the end, since that is how mine is spelled.)
I found your comment interesting in light of an article I read yesterday about a woman who left the quiverfull movement, her husband, and even God because of the emotional abuse in her marriage. In reading the article it hit me that part of the problem is that there are so many teachings and so many people who focus on how a wife is to behave, but very few that spend time talking about how a husband should behave. I think that when a woman chooses a husband, part of her choice should be about whether he can be trusted with her heart, mind and body. A good husband, who takes seriously his responsibility to love his wife and live sacrificially for her benefit, is worth submitting to, but if we choose a husband who doesn't get it, then complete submission leads to unhealthy relationships and abuse. Also, I think it's important to note that submission is not the same word as obedience and that even in submitting to one's husband, that is limited by the priority to submit to and obey God. At the same time, being willing to submit can truly inspire a husband to live up to his part of the deal.
The word helpmeet is an interesting one. I have read that another, probably more accurate, translation would be "helper beside him". Notice the word beside versus behind or under, while we are to do everything we can to help our husbands, we are still equal to them. The same word is used many times later in the old testament when God refers to Himself in relation to mankind. (For reference purposes, I learned that from reading the book "Captivating" by John and Staci Eldridge.
That's just my rambling 2 cents.
Cheri, (Had to stop myself from putting an "e" on the end, since that is how mine is spelled.)
I found your comment interesting in light of an article I read yesterday about a woman who left the quiverfull movement, her husband, and even God because of the emotional abuse in her marriage. In reading the article it hit me that part of the problem is that there are so many teachings and so many people who focus on how a wife is to behave, but very few that spend time talking about how a husband should behave. I think that when a woman chooses a husband, part of her choice should be about whether he can be trusted with her heart, mind and body. A good husband, who takes seriously his responsibility to love his wife and live sacrificially for her benefit, is worth submitting to, but if we choose a husband who doesn't get it, then complete submission leads to unhealthy relationships and abuse. Also, I think it's important to note that submission is not the same word as obedience and that even in submitting to one's husband, that is limited by the priority to submit to and obey God. At the same time, being willing to submit can truly inspire a husband to live up to his part of the deal.
The word helpmeet is an interesting one. I have read that another, probably more accurate, translation would be "helper beside him". Notice the word beside versus behind or under, while we are to do everything we can to help our husbands, we are still equal to them. The same word is used many times later in the old testament when God refers to Himself in relation to mankind. (For reference purposes, I learned that from reading the book "Captivating" by John and Staci Eldridge.
That's just my rambling 2 cents.
I think it would certainly be accurate to say that Mrs. Pearl takes a harsh tone with women at times in her book. Call it a bit of "tough love"? But in no way does she suggest that any type of abuse is the fault of the woman. What she does say is that you may not be able to change your husband's behavior through brute force (like nagging or other favorite tactics), but you can change the way you react to him (hopefully inspiring him to change his own behavior towards you). Every husband is an imperfect man. But submitting to that imperfect man is an act of submission (and faith) to a perfect God.
GloryGirl, I agree that there are not enough teachings directed towards men, but I don't think quite in the same way you are talking about. So many men that I see around me are browbeaten shadows of what a man should be, and they have no desire or ability to lead. They take no responsibility for the direction of their families. I think the state of men in our culture is one of the reasons that polygamy is becoming a more and more viable option. There are just too few men out there that are ready and willing to be the husbands that they should be.
I was 14 when I met my husband, and only 16 (he being 18) when we were "married" according to Biblical standards. I was not a Christian at the time, and certainly not at my most rational, and definitely not thinking about whether he would be worthy of submitting to. It wasn't until later, after I became a Christian, and after living some life, that I realized that I had landed a good one! But if I hadn't, would it be submitting to God's will for me as a wife to choose when I will submit and when I won't? Choosing when to submit is not submission at all. It's doing only what you agree with. Not to start a debate about free will vs. predestination, but I don't believe we have all the power in choosing our husbands. I believe that God placed me with him. And there is no provision in scripture about when it is ok to submit and when it is not. Of course God is always first, and a good wife loves God even more than she loves her husband, so if your husband asks you to do something that God has said is wrong, your husband has out-stepped his authority. But even in those circumstance, I think of Sarah, who went along with Abraham's lies twice on his orders. God stepped in to protect her when her husband failed. I just think that submission to your husband is ultimately about faith in God.
I don't really want to change anything I've written here, but I will say that as I look back on it, I seem a little . . . . confrontational? Please excuse that. I just had "the talk" with my sister this evening. The one where I explain what in the world has been going on in our family lately? She took it well, considering. But it was very emotionally draining and left me a little keyed up.
GloryGirl, I agree that there are not enough teachings directed towards men, but I don't think quite in the same way you are talking about. So many men that I see around me are browbeaten shadows of what a man should be, and they have no desire or ability to lead. They take no responsibility for the direction of their families. I think the state of men in our culture is one of the reasons that polygamy is becoming a more and more viable option. There are just too few men out there that are ready and willing to be the husbands that they should be.
I was 14 when I met my husband, and only 16 (he being 18) when we were "married" according to Biblical standards. I was not a Christian at the time, and certainly not at my most rational, and definitely not thinking about whether he would be worthy of submitting to. It wasn't until later, after I became a Christian, and after living some life, that I realized that I had landed a good one! But if I hadn't, would it be submitting to God's will for me as a wife to choose when I will submit and when I won't? Choosing when to submit is not submission at all. It's doing only what you agree with. Not to start a debate about free will vs. predestination, but I don't believe we have all the power in choosing our husbands. I believe that God placed me with him. And there is no provision in scripture about when it is ok to submit and when it is not. Of course God is always first, and a good wife loves God even more than she loves her husband, so if your husband asks you to do something that God has said is wrong, your husband has out-stepped his authority. But even in those circumstance, I think of Sarah, who went along with Abraham's lies twice on his orders. God stepped in to protect her when her husband failed. I just think that submission to your husband is ultimately about faith in God.
I don't really want to change anything I've written here, but I will say that as I look back on it, I seem a little . . . . confrontational? Please excuse that. I just had "the talk" with my sister this evening. The one where I explain what in the world has been going on in our family lately? She took it well, considering. But it was very emotionally draining and left me a little keyed up.
GloryGirl
Member
Elaine, thank you so much for clarifying the book's perspective for us. That makes a lot of sense, and I can understand how someone who is defensive could misunderstand what the author intended, then.
I can certainly agree that there are a lot of brow beaten men in our society as well, and that they make equally poor husbands. I guess I was stuck in my own perspective of having known so many abused women. So what is really needed is for men to be taught how to lead with love?
I also have no doubt that God put my husband and I together (that's a whole other long story), but I also know that, like Sarah giving Hagar to Abraham, sometimes in our free will we jump the gun and marry someone that wasn't the one God originally intended for us. Or we are uncertain if it is God's chosen for us. At those times, we need to choose carefully and wisely. It is a wondrous thing that God steps in with His grace and fixes so many of our mistakes, when we let him.
I'm sorry if I seemed to suggest that we should choose when to submit or not. I meant that we should make that choice before marrying someone. If one couldn't submit to him, one shouldn't marry him. That applies whether it is because he lacks the ability to lead or whether his "leadership" would be abusive. I do believe Godly submission can include respectfully discussing and voicing concerns prior to following through with the decision. Because just as choosing to submit sometimes and not others is not true submission, submission without thought of any kind also loses some meaning.
I was thinking more about the discussion of the book last night and God reminded me that He uses different things to speak to each of us at different times, just as I use different math books for my 2nd grader than I used when his older brother was in 2nd grade. What speaks to one, didn't speak to the other. I even knew a woman whom God spoke to through a horror movie. *Please note I am not comparing this book to a horror, I am noting how different it is from horror.*
I am guessing that this book was perfect for you in perfect timing and in such I am very glad you read it. I am still interested in reading it myself.
I can certainly agree that there are a lot of brow beaten men in our society as well, and that they make equally poor husbands. I guess I was stuck in my own perspective of having known so many abused women. So what is really needed is for men to be taught how to lead with love?
I also have no doubt that God put my husband and I together (that's a whole other long story), but I also know that, like Sarah giving Hagar to Abraham, sometimes in our free will we jump the gun and marry someone that wasn't the one God originally intended for us. Or we are uncertain if it is God's chosen for us. At those times, we need to choose carefully and wisely. It is a wondrous thing that God steps in with His grace and fixes so many of our mistakes, when we let him.
I'm sorry if I seemed to suggest that we should choose when to submit or not. I meant that we should make that choice before marrying someone. If one couldn't submit to him, one shouldn't marry him. That applies whether it is because he lacks the ability to lead or whether his "leadership" would be abusive. I do believe Godly submission can include respectfully discussing and voicing concerns prior to following through with the decision. Because just as choosing to submit sometimes and not others is not true submission, submission without thought of any kind also loses some meaning.
I was thinking more about the discussion of the book last night and God reminded me that He uses different things to speak to each of us at different times, just as I use different math books for my 2nd grader than I used when his older brother was in 2nd grade. What speaks to one, didn't speak to the other. I even knew a woman whom God spoke to through a horror movie. *Please note I am not comparing this book to a horror, I am noting how different it is from horror.*
I am guessing that this book was perfect for you in perfect timing and in such I am very glad you read it. I am still interested in reading it myself.
Okay Ladies...
I have to chime in my 2 cents worth on this one too. I find it extremely, extremely coincidental (NOT...since I do not believe in coincidences when it comes to God things), that I just happened to get on the active forums list last night and came across this thread about the book "Created To Be His Help Meet." by Debi Pearl. Here is why this is so flabbergasting to me:
About two weeks ago, I gathered several different books up off my bookshelf as the Lord led me to each particular one and had me set up a little area next to my computer and printer and He called it the "God's books for Deborah to read shelf." He even had me place them in a specific order of priority, as well as set up a clear with sparkles all over it index card box with the alphabet dividers...yep the whole girly works, and told me to make cards for each book and workbook that was on the shelf and use the file as a check in/check out system to keep track of what book I had read, for how long, with the date on it. He told me it was because He was going to have me bounce around in several books at the same time, and to keep track of them with that system would make it easier than me trying to keep some long unorganized log on a piece of paper that I most likely would lose! LOL I love how the Lord "gets" me so well and knows how much I love being a little perfectionistic systems analyst, aka anal with a heaping pile of OCD on the side! LOL....okay, okay...back to the book. Sooooo, I'm sitting here reading this post and the thought occurred to me that I had seen the title to that book around the Turner Clan's Cave somewhere, and then, it hit me....aaahhhh...no way...it wouldn't be sitting right next to me on my little "God's books for Deborah to read shelf" would it? I barely had to turn my face and in the peripheral vision of my left eye...there it sat...glowing in neon lights at that point! Hmmmmm, I think to myself..."Self, might this be a little hint that the Lord wants me to pick that there book up and read it???? Just maybe???? I have been having some difficulties with my attitude and disrespectful words and tones in my voice accompanied by a few inappropriate acting out of my frustrations that have been directed lets say in the "very close proximity" of my husband...even though he is a full time long distance truck driver...I think he could sense it on the other side of the country! Poor guy. Needless to say, I don't like it and I know for a fact Jack that Mr. Turner does not like it...and he shouldn't. I know better too, but with or without excuses, genuine or bogus, it is just wrong. I know that the Lord orchestrated our meeting, betrothal, and marriage without a shadow of a doubt. Yes, most of you know I have bad first wife history from a failed 15-year plural marriage and I never in a kazillion years thought I would ever go back into the Poly World, especially as a second wife. I could see maybe remarrying and telling my new beloved..."oh, btw, I believe in Biblical Plural Marriage....just thought I should tell ya....just sayin'...and end up back in it that way, but the way my marriage to Steven came together was nothing short of a miracle. After learning over those 15 years sooooooo many ways how NOT to do plural marriage, I have a pretty good understanding of what to do and how to act and be a Godly wife for our patriarchal husband. I don't know if a bee got up in my bonnet or it is just all the crazy horrible-mones of being peri-menopausal, or just my crazy up bringin', but bottom line is, a wife is commanded by the Lord to be respectful, honoring, and submitted to her husband. I know we all get there is a line that can get crossed into abuse, and there are contingencies for that type of true abuse. But I agree with Elaine (?) that Abram really pulled off some blunders and nearly got Sarai married off to the king in Egypt because he lied and said she was his sister (I think) instead of his wife. Big bad no-no, but nevertheless, Sarai didn't take off running screaming abuse, abuse! I think in her heart she was obeying the Lord and that she really did trust Abram to figure out a way to protect her. Many times, poly wives will ask how far is too far with regard to submitting to your husband. Many times in those conversations amongst we first wife clubbers (life-time membership holders regardless of success or failure of that marriage), and even with me now as a second wife, the topic about whether we should go to Egypt and trust God and our husbands or not comes up and most that I've talked with lean to a yes...go to Egypt. I, personally, think that Sarai showed Abram a lot of honor and trust in him by staying by his side and that no matter the circumstances, she would trust her husband and the Lord.
Yes, there is some heavy stuff in the book "Created To Be His Help Meet," but I have not seen anything anti-scriptural in it so far. What Pearl does lay out is that it is a very important and high calling to honor God by honoring her husband. Eve's judgment by God for her part in the fall was a righteous judgment. I believe it truly hurt the heart of the Almighty to have to judge Adam and Eve the way He had to, but it had to be done and they deserved what they got. Good news is that when all things are reconciled back to the Father at the end of time, that judgment will be lifted and we who choose to run the race to the end and win will be able to walk with God in the cool of the day, just like it was in the beginning. I like that. I know for me, personally, one of the Lord's requirements of me is be become a modest, loving, respectful, honorable, submissive woman of God to my husband and be the absolute best help meet I can be for him. That is my goal and vision. I may be a big plop of lumpy clay right now holding onto dear life as the spinning wheel is making me crazy dizzy, but I'm not gonna get off of it until I am the perfect vessel that the Lord is creating in me for my husband and sisterwife! Who wants to be a glob of lumps anyway? Not me! Any other takers? Come on up...the spinnin' is fine! We are in amazing hands...Our Heavenly Father's creative hands and He uses our husbands and sisterwives to squish out a whole lot of the lumps too. I just request that they throw chocolates toward the wheel from time to time while I'm up there!
LOL
Love Y'All,
Deborah A. Turner
I have to chime in my 2 cents worth on this one too. I find it extremely, extremely coincidental (NOT...since I do not believe in coincidences when it comes to God things), that I just happened to get on the active forums list last night and came across this thread about the book "Created To Be His Help Meet." by Debi Pearl. Here is why this is so flabbergasting to me:
About two weeks ago, I gathered several different books up off my bookshelf as the Lord led me to each particular one and had me set up a little area next to my computer and printer and He called it the "God's books for Deborah to read shelf." He even had me place them in a specific order of priority, as well as set up a clear with sparkles all over it index card box with the alphabet dividers...yep the whole girly works, and told me to make cards for each book and workbook that was on the shelf and use the file as a check in/check out system to keep track of what book I had read, for how long, with the date on it. He told me it was because He was going to have me bounce around in several books at the same time, and to keep track of them with that system would make it easier than me trying to keep some long unorganized log on a piece of paper that I most likely would lose! LOL I love how the Lord "gets" me so well and knows how much I love being a little perfectionistic systems analyst, aka anal with a heaping pile of OCD on the side! LOL....okay, okay...back to the book. Sooooo, I'm sitting here reading this post and the thought occurred to me that I had seen the title to that book around the Turner Clan's Cave somewhere, and then, it hit me....aaahhhh...no way...it wouldn't be sitting right next to me on my little "God's books for Deborah to read shelf" would it? I barely had to turn my face and in the peripheral vision of my left eye...there it sat...glowing in neon lights at that point! Hmmmmm, I think to myself..."Self, might this be a little hint that the Lord wants me to pick that there book up and read it???? Just maybe???? I have been having some difficulties with my attitude and disrespectful words and tones in my voice accompanied by a few inappropriate acting out of my frustrations that have been directed lets say in the "very close proximity" of my husband...even though he is a full time long distance truck driver...I think he could sense it on the other side of the country! Poor guy. Needless to say, I don't like it and I know for a fact Jack that Mr. Turner does not like it...and he shouldn't. I know better too, but with or without excuses, genuine or bogus, it is just wrong. I know that the Lord orchestrated our meeting, betrothal, and marriage without a shadow of a doubt. Yes, most of you know I have bad first wife history from a failed 15-year plural marriage and I never in a kazillion years thought I would ever go back into the Poly World, especially as a second wife. I could see maybe remarrying and telling my new beloved..."oh, btw, I believe in Biblical Plural Marriage....just thought I should tell ya....just sayin'...and end up back in it that way, but the way my marriage to Steven came together was nothing short of a miracle. After learning over those 15 years sooooooo many ways how NOT to do plural marriage, I have a pretty good understanding of what to do and how to act and be a Godly wife for our patriarchal husband. I don't know if a bee got up in my bonnet or it is just all the crazy horrible-mones of being peri-menopausal, or just my crazy up bringin', but bottom line is, a wife is commanded by the Lord to be respectful, honoring, and submitted to her husband. I know we all get there is a line that can get crossed into abuse, and there are contingencies for that type of true abuse. But I agree with Elaine (?) that Abram really pulled off some blunders and nearly got Sarai married off to the king in Egypt because he lied and said she was his sister (I think) instead of his wife. Big bad no-no, but nevertheless, Sarai didn't take off running screaming abuse, abuse! I think in her heart she was obeying the Lord and that she really did trust Abram to figure out a way to protect her. Many times, poly wives will ask how far is too far with regard to submitting to your husband. Many times in those conversations amongst we first wife clubbers (life-time membership holders regardless of success or failure of that marriage), and even with me now as a second wife, the topic about whether we should go to Egypt and trust God and our husbands or not comes up and most that I've talked with lean to a yes...go to Egypt. I, personally, think that Sarai showed Abram a lot of honor and trust in him by staying by his side and that no matter the circumstances, she would trust her husband and the Lord.
Yes, there is some heavy stuff in the book "Created To Be His Help Meet," but I have not seen anything anti-scriptural in it so far. What Pearl does lay out is that it is a very important and high calling to honor God by honoring her husband. Eve's judgment by God for her part in the fall was a righteous judgment. I believe it truly hurt the heart of the Almighty to have to judge Adam and Eve the way He had to, but it had to be done and they deserved what they got. Good news is that when all things are reconciled back to the Father at the end of time, that judgment will be lifted and we who choose to run the race to the end and win will be able to walk with God in the cool of the day, just like it was in the beginning. I like that. I know for me, personally, one of the Lord's requirements of me is be become a modest, loving, respectful, honorable, submissive woman of God to my husband and be the absolute best help meet I can be for him. That is my goal and vision. I may be a big plop of lumpy clay right now holding onto dear life as the spinning wheel is making me crazy dizzy, but I'm not gonna get off of it until I am the perfect vessel that the Lord is creating in me for my husband and sisterwife! Who wants to be a glob of lumps anyway? Not me! Any other takers? Come on up...the spinnin' is fine! We are in amazing hands...Our Heavenly Father's creative hands and He uses our husbands and sisterwives to squish out a whole lot of the lumps too. I just request that they throw chocolates toward the wheel from time to time while I'm up there!
LOLLove Y'All,
Deborah A. Turner