Creating a good relationship with sisterwife/wives

[sweetthing26]

Well,
I am wondering what you all would say you would do to foster a good relationship with a sisterwife or wives within the home. I think that the first thing that helps is making sure lines of communication are kept open and each knowing that they can talk to one another about anything. After all, if we are going to share a husband I feel we should be as close as is possible.

Liz

 

[Nikismom]

I agree with you.

In order to understand what each wife/Sister wife is going through or feeling you MUST keep talking to one another.
When the lines of communication break down between SW's there is unrest in the home. If one harbors jealousy, animosity, or even just plain fear or bitterness toward her SW she is creating problems not only in that relationship but in each marriage.

My husband and I have promised that we will communicate between the entire family because we feel that lack thereof causes a breakdown in the family as a whole.

The ability to foster a good relationship between sister wives requires, letting go of what has transpired in the past. Let's face it ladies, how many of us have a spouse that required a background check on us before he married us?
What every happened to trust and Godly discernment?
I understand that there are women out there who are only out to con families. However there are men and couples that are doing the exact same things! NO ONE can guaranty that we will not get hurt, or used, but God does say if we pray and ask for His guidance, for HIS will to be done that HE will show us His will for us!

Why not take the time to support budding relationships? Why should we judge a family on the amount of time they take to court someone?

Did we all have lengthy courtships? --most of us can answer that question with a no. I KNOW I can.
If you all feel that your God driven relationship is progressing with peace, clarity, and honesty I say GO FOR IT!
Walk in Faith that God will guide you through and keep you all communicating, healthy, and happy.

 

[sweetlissa]

It is easy to promise that you will keep lines of communication open, but once you are involved in a relationship our best plans may go by the wayside. Each person has a different personality and open communication may mean different things to different people.

It is wonderful to plan in advance how you will handle situations, but please be flexible about reality. Realize that the best laid plans often go unused and often we end up flying by the seats of our pants trying to figure out the next step. Relationships are ever evolving and changing, we must be prepared to change with them. That is one of the many blessings and also challenges of our style of relationship.

I appreciate that we all want to deal with jealousy and other things head on, but in reality, if you think your sister-wife is jealous, how do you deal with that head on? To ask the other party about it may come across as accusatory or confrontational. That may start an argument just because of how difficult a subject it is. Many of these subjects can light a fire just by bringing them up without ever even getting into the meat of the problem.

And if someone is dealing with jealousy or any one of the other negative topics that we talk about, then they are not going to be in a mood for "open communication." Speaking from experience, if someone says "I think you are jealous" I react like an explosion. Do you expect your sister-wife to act/react any differently? Imagine how you would feel if someone made that statement to you.

I am not in anyway demeaning the goals, just trying to interject some reality into the mix. In some cases, it might be best to let hubby address these more prickly topics in private with no one around. It might be better for everyone that way.

Just a thought...

Love to all
SweetLissa

 

[Anonymous]

hey ladies, I believe it is important to create a relationship with #1 woman and open the lines of communication.
Yes, it is a seperate union coming in as #2 woman, but if there is an established relationship with the women, it
would make the transition so much easier. Communication of fears each of us have and sharing of home and
man understood. It is easy to say, yes I support PM and believe it is God blessed. It is a whole different world
when it happens. Truthfully I would not want to be #1.
Our ladies meetings are so important, because it is a perfect venue to be together. Enjoy each others company,
hopefully. It would be great if we became friends before the union.
I am not talking from experience, but from my heart. Being an intregal part of the family, not two seperate
unions.
dd

 

[porkchop]

hey ladies, I believe it is important to create a relationship with #1 woman and open the lines of communication.
Yes, it is a seperate union coming in as #2 woman, but if there is an established relationship with the women, it
would make the transition so much easier. Communication of fears each of us have and sharing of home and
man understood. It is easy to say, yes I support PM and believe it is God blessed. It is a whole different world
when it happens. Truthfully I would not want to be #1.
Our ladies meetings are so important, because it is a perfect venue to be together. Enjoy each others company,
hopefully. It would be great if we became friends before the union.
I am not talking from experience, but from my heart. Being an intregal part of the family, not two seperate
unions.
dd

I agree. We have a coule of rules: #1- if anyone is uncomfortable with anything we automatically default to 'NO' until we've all talked it out and understand each others issues. #2-each one has to put the others first. #3- The point is to become one family, not 2 separate families. #4- In case of confussion default to rules 1, 2 and 3. No plans are made that involve finances, time off, or things that have a greater effect on the whole (including our extended family (parents and kids) unless it's talked out among us all because the prime directive is to become one family.

It's working beautifully, not perfectly, because any time one of us has an issue we are mandated to bring it to the table by our agreement.

Works for us.

 

[julieb]

It's working beautifully, not perfectly, because any time one of us has an issue we are mandated to bring it to the table by our agreement

I love this line. It implies that a method has been developed for this family and that it works. The family has made an up front agreement to do it this way which brings accountability. I suspect that the "not perfectly" part depends on what circumstances are currently happening and that all good intentions have a way of "taking a day off."

I think we all agree that comunication is paramount in any good marriage. It doesn't matter how you communicate as long as it works for those in the relationship. The problem is that finding that clear comunication can take a lot of miscomunication, a lot of patience, and a lot of learning ourselves. As Lissa was expressing...concepts are good but sometimes reality is a bit messier. That is why the husband needs to be sensitive to leading his family in ways that will bring peace to his home. It will most likely involve trying a few things but it is up to each member to do their best to follow and support. We don't have control over what others do, we only have control over OUR actions and behaviors. Take time to examine your own methods of comunication and see if there is an area you could be better in. Are you reacting badly because of some fear you have? A trust issue with your husband? A control issue for you?

The biggest skill I have learned these past few years is actually listening to someone. I to often just wanted to say my thoughts right back to the person talking before they were able to complete their thoughts. When I wait to talk I end up having more information and thus can make a wiser comment. I have also just shown my respect for the person by letting them finish their whole thought. Now, of course there are those people who just keep talking and talking. A different approach might be needed for them. I just know that for the people in my life, this has been a great skill for me to learn. And don't worry, you won't forget to say something "important" if you wait. It will most likely give you a chance to mold and perfect that "important" thought. Waiting also gives you a chance to get your own emotions undercontrol if the subject matter is emotional to you.

Relationships are always more complicated than simple advice....that is why we all need God's help to grow in maturity so we can bring our best to each relationship we have in our lives.

 

[porkchop]

In fact, when this all first started it went south very quickly and we ended up at "Stop" for almost 6 months. Some professional counseling was sought by one member, and after that we started 'sorta from fresh' again and are now doing fine. Lately we had one day where things were getting out of hand because one member (certainly not me ), likes to sulk and withdraw, and 'think' on stuff by herself and it just got everyone wadded up because we had no idea what was upsetting her and thought we'd done something. I confronted her through her closed door and she finally came out and sat on our bed and confided what was so upsetting, we talked, we encouraged her, we all cried and we all made up together.. Had I not had the personality that allowed me to call in the 'agreement' card that thing that actually had nothing to do with the 3 of us, but rather one of her teenaged kids, could have been taken even more wrong than it was and kept us upset for days and days. We all three agree that pouting and sulking and keeping secrets and such are at the root of much trouble so we've agreed to wage combat against it actively (and of course having 3 strong personalities doesn't hurt either!). Bottom line for our family is we all move in the same direction together, or we default to 'stop' until we can go forward again. It helps keep us sensitive to each others feelings.

 

[sweetthing26]

I think defaulting to stop is a wonderful idea. No one is a mind reader and I think we get into trouble when we expect others to automatically know our thoughts and feelings. Also, defaulting to stop allows everyone involved to talk about the problem and evaluate what they can add as an individual to resolve the issue at hand.I know personally I tend to withdrawl when I am upset and overwhelmed. So for me it is letting the family know this is how I react when I am feeling like this because if they don't know they can't help.

 

[porkchop]

I think defaulting to stop is a wonderful idea. No one is a mind reader and I think we get into trouble when we expect others to automatically know our thoughts and feelings. Also, defaulting to stop allows everyone involved to talk about the problem and evaluate what they can add as an individual to resolve the issue at hand.I know personally I tend to withdrawl when I am upset and overwhelmed. So for me it is letting the family know this is how I react when I am feeling like this because if they don't know they can't help.

Sweetthing26- we all have a tendency to withdraw- that's exactly why we made the default to no/stop. No one likes to sulk more than me (or hubby, or sw!). We know us! But really, if one is hurting or sad aren't we all, and isn't someone sharing everything in your life worth working with and waiting on?

 

[sweetthing26]

Well you are so right and I thank you for sharing about the defaulting to know and stopping. I think also that sometimes we fail to realize that creating that great relationship with a sister wife comes for that 1Corinthians 13 passage on Love. Love being patient and kind is a huge part to all of this. We have to learn how to as Paul said lift the other above ourselves. Placing that sister wife above my own wants and needs will help to build those lines of communication with her.
Liz

 

[Nikismom]

I think also that sometimes we fail to realize that creating that great relationship with a sister wife comes for that 1Corinthians 13 passage on Love. Love being patient and kind is a huge part to all of this. We have to learn how to as Paul said lift the other above ourselves. Placing that sister wife above my own wants and needs will help to build those lines of communication with her.
Liz

I think that is so true. I've learned from past mistakes that not putting someone else before me can be harmful. I know that with my future sister wife I can honestly say I feel the need to make sure she is part of the family. I help her in anyway I can to assimilate and to be as open about my feelings as I possibly can. Being able to understand your own feelings -I think- goes a long way to being able to communicate them to others.

I agree. We have a coule of rules: #1- if anyone is uncomfortable with anything we automatically default to 'NO' until we've all talked it out and understand each others issues. #2-each one has to put the others first. #3- The point is to become one family, not 2 separate families. #4- In case of confussion default to rules 1, 2 and 3. No plans are made that involve finances, time off, or things that have a greater effect on the whole (including our extended family (parents and kids) unless it's talked out among us all because the prime directive is to become one family.

It's working beautifully, not perfectly, because any time one of us has an issue we are mandated to bring it to the table by our agreement.

Works for us.

I like this system and think something like this might be beneficial. I can see how it could benefit my family for sure. I am glad it is working for you all!