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Dealing with #1

J

jbs_brat2

New Member
Has anyone had experience with a first wife that although she has supported and actually led the way to bring in #2 she is sabotaging it working through jealousy and accusations?

His first pushed him taking a second when I came into the picture a year ago (tomorrow actually). She was so supportive that even though I am usually a logical person I came in expecting some bumps but overall good. Well, no such luck. I have had moments of joy but even more depths of despair. She is jealous and accuses him of 'loving me more than her' 'wanting her out of the house' 'listening to me more than her'. Despite both of our reassurances that this in no way the truth she continues and goes to the depth of calling both of us names and making threats to leave. Of course, he runs after her and wants to fix things. She makes him feel that he deserves to be treated poorly and 'allows' him to apologize.

I don't want to leave, I am committed to making this relationship work. I have a great deal invested in this relationship. Emotionally and Financially I am committed and continue to be so. But I can't foresee spending the rest of my days feeling like the 'mistress' that lives in the same house and that she knows about.

Any suggestions.......?
 
Hi there. I am glad you found us. You haven't given much background so I will try to deal with the questions you asked.

Many women like the idea of polygyny and even embrace it, but then find that it is much harder to live than it is to theorize.
She may have thought that she could cope with him loving two women when this happened but then reality set in and she felt jealous.

Much of this lies on her. She needs to feel good about herself or she will always feel like she is being mistreated. I believe that she is acting this way because you and hubby are "newlyweds" and she is jealous that you may be acting like it. She doesn't realize that you and he have a relationship that is altogether different than their relationship. It is up to them to work out their difficulties. The best thing you can do is make sure of your own actions and your own motives. I have given this advice before, but it bears repeating. You can only be responsible for your own actions so you must make sure that you do what is right all the time. Easier said than done, but if you can handle these upsets with grace, love and kindness, eventually the hope is that she will come to love and trust you as a sister. But the first thing that must happen is she must fix her relationship with God. That is primary because without it, she will never feel like she is worthy of love and therefore will never feel like she is loved. Second they must work on their trust issues. You must allow them to do that. And you must be available to her as a friend. The hardest part is loving her, especially when she is hateful. But Christ said that anyone can love those who love them. The Christian thing is to love those that hate you.

Consider it a personal challenge to love her through her hatefulness. It isn't easy, but I think you will find it worth doing.

We care about you.

Love
Sweetlissa
 
I forgot the most important part.

Pray. Pray for her, for him, for them, for you and her, for you and him and for all three of you. Pray, Pray, Pray, Pray.

Did I mention prayer?

Love Lissa
 
Makes sense. I have given it up to the Lord but it is so hard not to be hurt. I wake up every morning with a resolve to just give it up and igor all the hatefulness & the disrespect she is showing him. I hurt because of how it affects me but also because I hurt that he feels somehow that he deserves it. It is abuse the same as if the were physically abusing each other. But I keep giving it up and will continue to do so. Thanks so much for the encouragement.

God Bless
 
I truly understand how much it hurts to see someone you love hurting. We talk about prayer as though it is a last resort, something to do when we have exhausted our own powers, but in truth, God wants us to do that first. Keep praying for all of you. God is doing miracles in this group of believers and we need to allow him to do them. Satan is attacking in many places and he uses our baser instincts against us. He is sneaky and sly and he will catch us when we are most vulnerable. DaPastor, Theresa and I began a few months ago to fast on Wednesdays. We spend extra time in prayer and pray for breakthroughs in many places. You might consider something like that. Also, make sure you are spending time with the Lord, building your strength. If you don't, then you may be vulnerable to an attack of satan. Your husband needs your strength to hold him up right now. Be all that you can be, and when she comes back to herself, she will see that you have the best interest of the family in your heart.

I also know that you feel betrayed and you must guard yourself against bitterness and anger. You know the truth, about God's word, about your feelings for her and about your motives in this marriage. No one can take the truth away from you. Even in her anger, she can't take your truth from you.

I think that in the big picture she wants to feel important. She doesn't feel that way and she thinks it is because of you. The reality is that she won't feel that way until she is in a good place with God.

I encourage you to have your husband email staff@biblicalfamilies.org. He needs support right now.

Please PM me so we can talk privately.

Love Lissa
 
jbs_brat2 said:
Has anyone had experience with a first wife that although she has supported and actually led the way to bring in #2 she is sabotaging it working through jealousy and accusations?

His first pushed him taking a second when I came into the picture a year ago (tomorrow actually). She was so supportive that even though I am usually a logical person I came in expecting some bumps but overall good. Well, no such luck. I have had moments of joy but even more depths of despair. She is jealous and accuses him of 'loving me more than her' 'wanting her out of the house' 'listening to me more than her'. Despite both of our reassurances that this in no way the truth she continues and goes to the depth of calling both of us names and making threats to leave. Of course, he runs after her and wants to fix things. She makes him feel that he deserves to be treated poorly and 'allows' him to apologize.

I don't want to leave, I am committed to making this relationship work. I have a great deal invested in this relationship. Emotionally and Financially I am committed and continue to be so. But I can't foresee spending the rest of my days feeling like the 'mistress' that lives in the same house and that she knows about.

Any suggestions.......?
Click to expand...

I am new here and the wife of a man whom has brought in another woman. I have done all of the above but not for the reason of sabotage. I have never lived this way and it is new to me and it was thrown upon me suddenly out of the blue...I am trying my hardest to accept our situation and be happy, but I love my husband very much and it is hard to share him with another woman when you aren't used to it. I like the woman as well I consider her a good friend, but I am still jealous because her and my husband have so much in common and since she arrived me and my husband can't have a simple conversation without fighting. My husband suffers horrible guilt because I am not happy and I don't know how to change that.

I want this to work because I want my husband happy again and I trust him with my whole heart when he tells me this is a good thing...I also have a great deal invested in my marriage. I have stood beside my husband thru bad times and good times, and I will continue to do so but I deserve to be happy doing it. So if ANYONE can give me some help on how to do this I would be very grateful.
 
Sweetpea,

Start with prayer. Spend time with God. This is not an easy adjustment to make and everyone feels some growing pains. Your husband has a large amount of responsibility as well. It is his job to find a way to nurture your relationship so that you don't feel as though you are losing something. But you need to actively persue your relationship too.

Another thing to do is to actively persue a relationship with the new wife. In the long run, you and she will spend more time together than either of you does with him. She can be your friend but you have to start out by building the relationship. As the first wife, you need to try to take charge of this. Not in a controlling way but in a welcoming way. Start out small, with lunch dates or something like that. Find little things that make her tick. For us, T (my hubby's first wife) likes "surprises." Anywhere you go, you bring her surprises. It doesn't matter how little it is, she is delighted with them. One time, while daPastor was away at school for several months, we went shopping together at walmart. We spent hours going through the cards, picking out cards to send to him. We didn't get any the same, but it was funny cause he had gotten us some of the same ones we got him.

Spend time as a family, all of you together. It is important.

In a poly relationship with one husband and two wives there are four relationships to consider. You and him, Her and him, you and her and the three of you. You need to nurture and protect all of those relationships, because they all work together to build the family.

Getting to know her can be fun, if you can adjust your thinking. Being polygamous requires you to completely change the way you view the world, your family, your husband and God.

Take care and stay in touch

Sweet Lissa
 
Sweetlissa,

You gave me very good advice and I look forward to applying it in my new life. I have often thought we should be spending time as a family but two of us have lots in common and the other one not so much. I don't know how to change my way of thinking since I wasn't raised that way but I am open to anything that will help me. Thank you again for all your advice.
 
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