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Don't tell me I'm just a rebellious woman!!

E

Elaine

New Member
A few weeks ago my husband confessed to me that he had a met a woman over the internet. Although they began communicating in a professional sense, the relationship eventually developed to the point where he believes he is in love with her, and she believes she is in love with him. We had discussed polygamy in the past, but only as a Biblical curiosity. Now he has approached me about a potential polygamous relationship. They had only spoken over email, until meeting face to face recently. It was at that point that he came to me with what he was thinking.
I do believe that polygamy is Biblical and not sinful, it's just that I do not want it for myself. At all! I am having a lot of emotional turmoil because of it. My husband is a gruff man who doesn't really like anyone, except me and his children. I was always the only one he cared for. Now I don't feel special to him anymore. I feel like something must be lacking in me. I feel very jealous, especially over the thought of any shared physical relationship.
He has said that he won't force me into anything. He said that because of his vow to 'forsake all others' it is up to me to release him of it. But he is very good at convincing me of things and I am afraid it is only a matter of time before he gets what he wants! This whole thing really does not fit with any vision of the future that I ever had. I get furious just thinking about him having a sexual relationship with another woman. Like nauseous!
Through all of this, I have felt really angry at God. I have been praying and praying but I feel like I am not getting an answer. I recently met the woman myself, and I do like her, but I just do not want to share my husband with her! I like being able to sleep with my husband every night, and having access to him whenever I need him, and the thought of limits being put on him really upsets me. He insists that she and I could become good friends, but I have never liked people and frankly I am happy not having close friends.
I just do not want this for us. My husband suggested I write this post so that I could talk to someone. Everyone else I have brought up the topic with (not our story, just polygamy in general) sees it as a terrible sin. I know it isn't, so there aren't many places to just talk about it without that judgement. But I've read a lot of the posts on here and I feel like all I will be told is to read my Bible and submit.
 
Hi Elaine.
First of all, yay! I'm so glad that you've posted on here and shared your feelings with us all! I can tell you that most, if not all, of us have been where you are at some point.
My husband and I also knew for years that it was ok biblically but never thought it was a path for us, or for anyone in modern society really lol. In all honesty it was God who brought me around to the idea of it being something possibly for us. I still come up with questions for Samuel or the ladies but am much more at peace with it than I was 2 years ago.
I say I am at peace with the idea, but Samuel has never dated anyone or fallen in love with anyone else so what I say is based on where I am, as a first and only wife who believes in polygyny.
I was always the only one he cared for. Now I don't feel special to him anymore. I feel like something must be lacking in me.
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How about we spin this around and look at it from another viewpoint. What if your husband was so pleased with your marriage, and your relationship, and you as a wife, that he saw what a huge value a woman was and wanted another one? If he had a terrible wife, would he really want to go out and risk getting another terrible one? Then he'd have two women at him lol! It's because he views you as special and such an amazing woman that he sees how incredibly wonderful marriage is and feels he has enough love to give to another woman as well as you.
This whole thing really does not fit with any vision of the future that I ever had.
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Things change. My life as it is now is not even remotely close to what I thought it would be when we got married 8 years ago. Changes aren't necessarily a bad thing.
But I've read a lot of the posts on here and I feel like all I will be told is to read my Bible and submit.
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None of us women are going to tell you that, because we've been there. It takes time to get your head round the idea and LOTS of talking with other women who have gone through or are going through the same thing as you. Reading the Bible isn't going to help you right now as you already know it's not sinful, and this is an emotional thing for you. Rightly so! I believe that as women we are fairly emotional creatures in general and it takes us a while to work this stuff out, we can't just suddenly decide it's ok and then be perfectly ok with everything that goes with it like the guys can. Sometimes I would like a man's brain lol, especially as they can just switch off! How do they do that? Ok, now I'm waffling and rambling. Sorry.

Anyway, welcome to Biblical Families! You'll get some posts and probably private messages from some more exerienced ladies but I wanted you to know I was reading and paying attention! (If you don't understand how private messages work then let me know and I'll explain it.) On Tuesday evenings we have a ladies only chat which is fabulous if you want to join us too, there' s generally around 8-10 of us on at any one time for about 2 hours or so.

Also, smile and take a big breath. We're all here to chat and everything is going to be ok :-)
 
Elaine,

Have you ever read the book, The Tale of Three Trees? It is a children’s book about three young trees who dreamed of what they wanted to become when they grew up. The first tree wanted to be a beautiful treasure chest, the second wanted to be a strong sailing ship that would travel the world and the last tree just wanted to grow strong and tall so that when people saw her they would raise their eyes to heaven and think of God. Years passed and three woodcutters came to cut the trees down. The first two trees thought, now I will be what I have dreamed of for so long. The first tree rejoiced that he was taken to a carpenters shop but the carpenter was not thinking about a treasure chest, he needed a feed box for animals to be. The second tree was taken to the shipyard but no mighty sailing ships were made that day only a simple fishing boat made for a lake. The third tree was very confused when the woodcutter cut her into strong beams and just left her in the lumberyard. She was very confused. Well, many days passed and the trees forgot their dreams. But one night starlight poured over the first tree as a young women placed her newborn baby in the feed box. The woman thought the manger was so beautiful and that it was the perfect cradle for her son….Jesus. The tree suddenly knew he was holding the greatest treasure in the world. Time went by and then one night a tired traveler and his friends climbed into the old fishing boat that had been the second tree. He sailed out into the lake only to have a storm rage up. He was afraid that he couldn’t carry his passengers safely to the other side of the lake but soon the tired traveler stood up and told the storm to be at peace and it obeyed him. The tree suddenly knew he was carrying the King of Heaven and Earth. More time passed and the third tree was pulled from the woodpile only to be dragged thru an angry crowd of people. She shuddered when a man was nailed to her beams. She felt ugly and harsh. But three days later when the sun rose she knew that God’s love had changed the world. “It had made the first tree beautiful. It had made the second tree strong. And every time people thought of the third tree, they would think of God.”

I love this story, it reminds me that even though I might have dreams or expectations for my life, that nothing can be more fulfilling than God’s dreams for me. I might not fully understand them at first but if I am faithful I will eventually see His plan and the blessing that it brings to me.

I believe that God doesn’t reveal the truth about Biblical plural marriage to just anyone. It has to be someone he can trust with such a game changing truth. For you to say that you believe that plural marriage is not a sin is really saying something great about what kind of woman you are. Like all Biblical truths that go against the World (or even the mainstream church) there is a cost to living it out. The great thing about God is that he always gives us a choice as to what we do. He gives us a chance to be more than we have been in the past and to know Him better than we ever have because we choose to follow him on a different path but he also continues to love us if we choose to stay where we are. Though I believe, that that decision will have a cost, too. I know you don’t want to be told to read the Bible but besides talking with other women who understand this mind blowing truth, getting into scripture and asking God to show you his love and encouragement thru it is the best thing you can do.

If you want I would be happy to talk with you anytime, just private message me. Just to let you know, I have been living in a plural marriage for 18 years and I am also the first wife.

With hope for the future, Julie
 
Elaine, when I read your post, it seemed I could feel your shock and hurt and probably even anger. I can identify with those feelings, mostly over other issues in my marriage. I'm sorry you're in such a difficult place.

Since you came seeking input, here are my 2 cents:

#1) Listen to the wonderful, real, and experienced ladies here.

#2) In as non-confrontational of a way as you can, share your worries and fears with your husband. Let him know that your pain is because of your feeling insufficient to him and shocked that he would wait so long to talk to you about it. Tell him that this is a big leap, from talking about the idea that it isn't sinful to actually participating. There are many things in the Bible that aren't sinful, but I'm not ready to be a part of and some I may never be called to. (celibacy, giving up all worldly possessions, being a pastor are a few examples)

#3) Ask your husband to talk with some of the more experienced men on this forum as well and to really listen to them.

I really agree with FollowingHim2, that perhaps the real reason your husband is so interested in living plural marriage is that you are such a fabulous wife, but maybe you should ask him what made him want to do this in the first place? As wives, we are meant to be a helper beside our husbands, one way we can help is to ask questions that make them think. You may come away reassured or he may come away with a change of mind or heart, or at least a willingness to really slow down and make sure all of the family knows they are loved.
 
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