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FATHER/DAUGHTER TALK

Edward the Elder

Edward the Elder

Member
Male
I don't know if I should really exclude input from the ladies on this one. One of my chief sex-ed talks with my daughter consisted of the following and the dividends appear to have been well worth the investment (so far).

Abstinence is wise. "Abstinence before marriage" is a rather moot term. It's like getting wet before going swimming. The truest definition of marriage is conjugal union. So if you don't want to marry don't do the deed. It's really that simple. Uniting without the contract is still "Common-law Marriage". Play it this way and you'll save yourself a ton of misery. Call a spade a shovel and be safe!

(She'll be 20 this June)
 
If she is nearly 20 now how old was she when you said this to her?

I realize I'm not a father but as a single mother it's a role i sometimes have to take on. I haven't really approached the subject much with my daughter (11) beyond, straight forward and light hearted explanations about puberty and it's changes. We haven't discussed sex in any context that involves her actually having it... thats a thought that freaks me out! However she knows what sex is and how babies are made and born etc thanks to public school and TV.

She has frequently raised the issue of getting married though but i have told her i want her to finish school first, i think she is the type of girl who would probably lean towards marrying young but she may surprise me and end up a spinster like her mum! I have not laid down any hard and fast rules for her on moral issues. I am just trying to teach here to be open, honest and to have empathy for others and respect for herself, i am hoping, perhaps naively, that she will come and talk to me if she starts to think about actually having sex.
 
I am not sure where I fall on the father/daughter talk. In my generation, most girls feared their fathers would kill them if they got pregnant. Truthfully, though, on the rare occassions that it did happen, the family would draw together and make the best of the situation.

My daughter knew my standards, and I suspect that she refrained from actual contact until she was married. She did marry foolishly, though, and I often wonder if she might have made a better choice had I been more flexible and she had more experience. But I didn't get a do over in this, and life went on.

When you have a pubescent teen, maybe wisdom would more perfectly be served with mercy rather than rule.

Just my 2¢
 
Hello,

Because of all the changes that begin to take place before the age of twelve, I believe it is wise to talk to children before that age. Moreover, by 12 years of age most have heard everything under the Sun in their schools, friends, neighbors, etc... The straight forward approach in my mind, is always the best. So, it is my contention that parents should get directly involved before twelve with these issues and make sex-talk natural, yet, Scriptural. If one has trouble in this regard, there are good Christian books today that actually are menat to be read with pre-teens and teens that explain things very well that do not hide anything - and forces everyone to discuss the topics upfront!
 
The father/daughter talk was deferred to a mother/daughter talk. I talk on such things to my sons and as a result my wife converses with my sons as though they have full understanding of all the facts from me and lets them know she expects the highest standards in their behaviour. I relate to my daughters in much the same way and they are aware of my expectations of their high standards.

I came from a broken home and I remember my mother trying to talk to me by herself. She of course waited too long to attempt the subject, and I felt sorry for her at the time, but now I admire her courage. My heart and prayers are with single parents, and with God all things are possible including conversations on such things.
 
welltan said:
The father/daughter talk was deferred to a mother/daughter talk. I talk on such things to my sons and as a result my wife converses with my sons as though they have full understanding of all the facts from me and lets them know she expects the highest standards in their behaviour. I relate to my daughters in much the same way and they are aware of my expectations of their high standards.

I came from a broken home and I remember my mother trying to talk to me by herself. She of course waited too long to attempt the subject, and I felt sorry for her at the time, but now I admire her courage. My heart and prayers are with single parents, and with God all things are possible including conversations on such things.
Click to expand...

If it is possible, this is the best... I agree
 
Melanie said:
If she is nearly 20 now how old was she when you said this to her?

I realize I'm not a father but as a single mother it's a role i sometimes have to take on. I haven't really approached the subject much with my daughter (11) beyond, straight forward and light hearted explanations about puberty and it's changes. We haven't discussed sex in any context that involves her actually having it... thats a thought that freaks me out! However she knows what sex is and how babies are made and born etc thanks to public school and TV.

She has frequently raised the issue of getting married though but i have told her i want her to finish school first, i think she is the type of girl who would probably lean towards marrying young but she may surprise me and end up a spinster like her mum! I have not laid down any hard and fast rules for her on moral issues. I am just trying to teach here to be open, honest and to have empathy for others and respect for herself, i am hoping, perhaps naively, that she will come and talk to me if she starts to think about actually having sex.
Click to expand...
We spoke openly about sex at the dinner table like it was the most natural thing going. I don't have a T.V. and we didn't have one then either. We had books. Lots of books. We talked about what was in those books. By the time she was 12 she pretty much had the reproductive cycle figured out. I recall a time when she was cramping badly I kept her home from school and we had a chat about it over tea and toast but she already seemed well in the know at that age. I gave her a heating pad which helped, but aside from this she pretty much already had the basics sorted out. I think she was around 12 then. I straightly told her the truth about marriage when she was 14 years old. She thought long and hard about it before she gave me her opinion but I recall her coming into the office one day and telling me that she agreed: Marriage is ONE FLESH. She was quite vexed at the time with one of her friends getting pregnant at such a young age and I think that it was a reality check for her. Another thing that I used to tell my children was, "You might look around you and see your peers appear to be doing well, but the HERE and NOW is always temporary. Take my advice and consider what life will be like for you in the LONG RUN before you do anything rash. In the long run, one by one, you will see many of your friends fall by the wayside. Life will happen to them. It is only at this point that you will likely remember my words and my warning. What your friends are doing right now may look like alot of fun in your eyes, but in a year or two that can change. Suddenly "love" isn't fun no more. Mark my words. You have been warned."... Or something to that effect. Well, it must have "sunk in" because my daughter reminds me of it all the time now. I recall her saying, "Yeah, you were right on that count. Most of my peers are either single mothers, pregnant, strung out on drugs, or losers". After this, we discussed what she wanted to do with her life since she didn't fall into any of those catergories. Currently she is in Ontario. She just finished catching a flight from Regina, Saskatchewan and she'll be heading out to Vancouver Island in another three months. Actually, at the time that we had that conversation she was getting her grade eleven and had already purchased her plane fare to Ireland, Wales, and England. I think she has made alot of good choices. She's learning about the world, travelling, and becoming quite knowledgeable about culture and history. I am very happy for her. I rather wish my son had heeded my advice as well as she. Her chiefest complaint these days seems to be the want of decent men and her fear of dying a virgin. lol :lol:

ooops! (Don't tell her I said that if you bump into her!)
 
rusty_armor said:
I am not sure where I fall on the father/daughter talk. In my generation, most girls feared their fathers would kill them if they got pregnant. Truthfully, though, on the rare occassions that it did happen, the family would draw together and make the best of the situation.

My daughter knew my standards, and I suspect that she refrained from actual contact until she was married. She did marry foolishly, though, and I often wonder if she might have made a better choice had I been more flexible and she had more experience. But I didn't get a do over in this, and life went on.

When you have a pubescent teen, maybe wisdom would more perfectly be served with mercy rather than rule.

Just my 2¢
Click to expand...

Rusty, methinks you contributed more than you realize and I greatly appreciate your contribution. This is precisely the sort of thing men need to read. That's really the whole point of it. We don't get "do-overs" so we need to do our best to do it right in the first place. The term "pre-pubescent teen" is virtually an oxymoron. Honesty, I believe, is the intrinsic key. If we don't want our daughters to marry foolishly then we had better be prepared to be active participants in their lives. We need to tell them the truth about marriage and what the LORD GOD called it. The Bible says that the customs and traditions of men are vain. We cannot look to secular laws that keep changing at every turn or to the fickle traditions and customs of the world. We need to look into the BIBLE and see what GOD has defined marriage to be.

ie/ MATTHEW 19:
4 And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female,
5 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?
6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

This is the hard-core approach to marriage because it is the fundamental approach to marriage. It is what GOD called marriage. When understood this way it leaves no room for promiscuity or abuse. The young men must behave or marry and the young ladies must be prepared to do the same. What people often confuse for mercy is actually nothing short of licentiousness. What our Lord stated in the above words is merciful. When followed it saves us all from a ton of trouble, misery, and grief. I don't mean to preach on anyone here but if BIBLICAL FAMILIES cannot agree on what GOD called marriage then there can be no concord among them. They are as lost as non-biblical families. Marriage and family are inseparable. You can't have one without the other. Thankyou for your considerate reply. This is precisely the sort of thing I think Biblical families need to come to terms with. May GOD bless you and your house.

Edward
 
DaPastor said:
Hello,

Because of all the changes that begin to take place before the age of twelve, I believe it is wise to talk to children before that age. Moreover, by 12 years of age most have heard everything under the Sun in their schools, friends, neighbors, etc... The straight forward approach in my mind, is always the best. So, it is my contention that parents should get directly involved before twelve with these issues and make sex-talk natural, yet, Scriptural. If one has trouble in this regard, there are good Christian books today that actually are menat to be read with pre-teens and teens that explain things very well that do not hide anything - and forces everyone to discuss the topics upfront!
Click to expand...

Amen. This is exactly what I was on about. My own daughter told me that the stupidest thing any parent can do is to shut up and say nothing to them about sex until the child starts asking questions. She told me that no kid is going to approach their Mom or Dad with questions about it because it is too personal and embarassing. She told me strait out that she was waiting for one of us to approach her and discuss it with her since she was nine years old. So the behavioural psychologists that claim that the best time to talk to your child about the "birds and the bees" is when they start asking questions isn't necessarily the case. I suppose I wasn't your average child. I was asking my mother questions about sex since I was seven. I was a bit of a naturalist at heart and curious about the mating habits of animals. It wasn't long before I started to wonder how it was done between humans. I had the whole reproductive thing down by the time I was eleven. In my opinion, I think any time after 10 is a good time to start going into the basics; but only as a rule of thumb. I don't think they call it the "age of understanding" for nothing. I think if a child doesn't have it figured out by the time they're 12 they might well be headed for some serious trouble. Public educators are making a mess of it and what youth hear from their peers isn't always that accurate. In Canada, the Federal Law recognizes age 12 as the legal age of marriage with parental consent for a girl and 14 as the legal age of marrige with parental consent for a boy. In my opinion they should actually know something about it before their futures are decided for them. It's a whole lot better to "force" a discussion than to "force" adolescents to marry. In my opinion, forcing anyone to marry is tantamount to rape. Frankly, I do feel that it is wise to ensure that what the law deems as "consentual" should be consentual between ALL PARTIES involved. . . But that is a topic that I'll save for another thread. I'm right with you on this one, DaPastor.
 
DaPastor said:
welltan said:
The father/daughter talk was deferred to a mother/daughter talk. I talk on such things to my sons and as a result my wife converses with my sons as though they have full understanding of all the facts from me and lets them know she expects the highest standards in their behaviour. I relate to my daughters in much the same way and they are aware of my expectations of their high standards.

I came from a broken home and I remember my mother trying to talk to me by herself. She of course waited too long to attempt the subject, and I felt sorry for her at the time, but now I admire her courage. My heart and prayers are with single parents, and with God all things are possible including conversations on such things.
Click to expand...

If it is possible, this is the best... I agree
Click to expand...

Addressing Welltan's words:

When I was fifteen I remember my father trying to have this talk with me. He was so nervous and stumbled over his words repeatedly. My heart so went out to him. I admired him for this even then. I had no idea it was so hard for him until he opened his mouth. By the time we made it out to the cabin (which was where we were headed to do some yard work) I was telling him things about the birds and the bees he never knew. To be honest, it was one of my more postiive memories with my Dad. We chuckle about that now. Being a strict Lutheran it was probably one of the hardest things he ever had to do. Today, my father and I are very close. He even agrees with my views on plural marriage. Yes, when it is possible this is a good thing. Nonetheless it is also a good thing that a daughter gets some perspective from her father however general and that she also knows that Mom and Dad both share the same values and attitudes concerning marriage. This helps build concord and solidarity in the family and dissolves many potential misgivings that may have crept in unawares.
 
I, like Welltan, differed this subject to a mother/daughter talk about all that was involved, etc. I though, was also very open and frank with my girls, even today, with my oldest daughter now married and an LPN ( though as her dad I still can embarrass her, he,he ) with my 2 youngest being 23 and 19. They know that my door has always been open and that they can come and talk to me about any subject be it Bible to music, from movies to yes even sex. I did however let it be known what was right and wrong about relationships and what was expected of them concerning dating, etc. I even "laid down" the law to my son ( who is married now ) and explained things to him on his level, and let him know how he was to treat a young lady that he may be "dating".
 
I think that the principles of honesty, forthrightness, and pragmatism also apply in such matters. I am of the persuasion that there is a difference between modesty and shame. A father is an example to both his daughters and his sons of what an husband ought to be and I highly suspect that this may be a factor in the development of all cultures. Continuity between what mother says and what father says is vital to the healthy function of the family unit. Of course, one could just leave it to the public educators but I honestly don't advise it. I feel that because I included myself in these discussions that my children were less alienated though my son married awfully young. He was only sixteen but at least they're still together. My daughter, on the other hand, was somewhat more prudent, in my opinion; but as it is written, it is better to marry than to burn.

Edward
 
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