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first wife struggles

irishprincess09

irishprincess09

New Member
Hi everyone. I am not even really sure what to say..the story is long. We recently added a SW to our family. She is an amazing and Godly woman and I love her dearly. Since she came into our lives, she has been a blessing and encouragement. I know in my heart that this is what God wants for our lives and have seen too many prayers answered to doubt it. The problem is that I am going through severe feelings of jealousy and loss right now and I am struggling to bring them (and leave them) to God. I have been researching this a lot and have come to realize that the feelings are normal. Even for those that have been raised in PM. What I would really like to hear from other women is, "how do you do it?" How did you handle that first time that your husband spent the night with your SW? How do you handle their time together now? What helps you share him and grow as a family?
I also want to say that my husband has been an amazing man through all of this and continues to show me patience and love as I work through this. I feel solid in the belief that I am not being replaced. Nor do I believe that he will eventually replace me. I know that him and I are solid as one. I still feel a sense of loss though knowing that I will have to go to bed without him or roll over knowing that he is not there. Due to current living arrangements and feelings that were discussed prior to the ceremony (long story for another post), DH and SW have not "been together" as of yet. We do all spend time together as a family with and without the kids and also started one on one dates this week. I know that this next step is coming and want to be able to handle it with the maturity and grace that it deserves. Please help me.
 
I am second wife, so my input may or may not be welcome, but I often tell first wives that when that first time is coming they should do something nice for themselves. Something that they can look forward to and will take their attention from what is going on elsewhere. Even go visit a friend for the weekend if you can. Other ideas might be a girl date with a friend, a book or movie you have been waiting for. Something to distract you from their activities and give you something to enjoy too.

It does get better with time. At least from my experience it does. It sounds like your heart is in the right place and you desire to grow out of this. That is half the battle.

SweetLissa
 
I am right there with you. I can't get past not having my husband with me at night. I love him and love spending my life with him and I hate every minute we're not together. I work a lot and so does he so we don't spend much time together as it is. I look so forward to the little bits of time we have togehter and I don't like not waking up with him.

Actually, I am a smart person, I have no problem finding ways to 'fill up my time' or 'entertaining' myself. That doesn't seem to really be the question. The question for me is 'how do you feel good about being alone 1/2 of your life? How do you become comfortable knowing that in your middle age (we are 50) I now have to wake up alone 50% of the time?

I cannot bear to see husband showing affection to sw. I hurts my heart. It's like my brain knows that we made this decision, but my heart is not coming along. I don't really know how to deal with it. All I do is wonder how I'll ever get past this and if I can. SW and I aren't very good friends, and she doesn't really seem to want to develop much of a relationship wtih me, so that doesn't help much either. I'm just glad that husband loves me. That's all I hang on to for now.

I'm there also.

Donnag
 
donnag said:
SW and I aren't very good friends, and she doesn't really seem to want to develop much of a relationship wtih me
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I'm wondering if your SW senses how you feel and is keeping her distance because of it? Have you asked her about it?
Blessings,
Fairlight
 
Yes I have. She apologized and we agreed to contact each other every week to try and make some sort of relationship and I was diligent with trying to chat with her but she only wants to talk 'fluff' stuff' -nothing much about our relationship. She will ask me questions about husband but that's about it.
 
I am not a first wife either, but as a woman, I have some insight into jealousy and I can imagine very clearly what you are going through.

Oddly enough, even though people think that these feelings of jealousy and loss are generally associated with first wives, you need to remember that your SW feels many of the same emotions. She will also sleep alone half of the time. She also feels jealousy when he kisses you. She feels regret when you laugh and make jokes about the times that you and your husband have shared alone. She will never be the center and only focus of his love. You are giving up time with your husband, but she will never have the time that you had with him. Remember that you are not the only one adjusting and a little scared.

If she seems distant then reach out to her. If you focus more on her feelings, yours will fade into the background. Soon you will have a friend that may be even closer than a sister. However, if you want to be a little selfish... make your bed such a haven to you that you like to sleep alone! Silk sheets, soft pillows, fluffy down blankets, silk nightie! Take a hot bubble bath before bed and then jump in and snuggle down! The only thing missing for that particular night is a hairy guy putting his cold feet on you and stealing your pillows!! Enjoy your solitude! Trust me, as a mother of five, solitude is a beautiful thing!

Another recommendation... A big bed and the insistence that he sleep in the middle might work too! ;) :o And about the first time that they are alone and "together". It is just that! You and he have done it a thousand times! No mystery there! Just wait, you and your SW can compare notes and maybe a few jokes! :lol:

Seriously though, the fact that you desire maturity and grace means that you already have them. You are going to be just fine sister! It may be bumpy to begin with, but you will be living a lifestyle that many of us on this site are seeking to live! You are very blessed!

That being said, there are wonderful ladies on this site that will love you and uplift you during these days ahead! This I know for a fact!
 
Cat's_Curiosity said:
Another recommendation... A big bed and the insistence that he sleep in the middle might work too! ;) :o And about the first time that they are alone and "together". It is just that! You and he have done it a thousand times! No mystery there! Just wait, you and your SW can compare notes and maybe a few jokes! :lol:
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I know that this was said jokingly but I really don't understand how people can suggest this? I honestly think people who suggest this have never been in this situation, had you, you wouldn't suggest it. It might make men happy but as a suggestion to dissapate jealousy? it is really bad, very, very bad.

I couldn't imagine comparing notes either, my goodness has everyone forgotten about privacy??? Yikes!

B
 
Yeah our orig. idea was to live together as a family and make adjustments together such as spending a lot of 'family' time' then private time would be easier. It sounded fine for while but then sw decided she always wants her own home and her own time alone with hubby. She got irate once when i had to call him becasue our daughter brought the grandkids by and they wanted to see granddaddy. She went on over her time invasion for a long time. Now I feel like every time we're doing a family event like hiking or dinner she just wishes I'd get up and leave. It's really hurting. She lives about 10 hours away and only visits occassionaly and never wants to do things that build our relationship. When she comes down she wants to drive by and pick up hubby and whisk him away for 2 days. I just watch as they drive away. I don't like it. This isn't what I signed up for nor what we agreed to. OH_ and before someone says 'just talk to hubby about it'- believe me we have all talked about it to him. He is upset that she acts that way and now he feels caught in the middle. Nothing good for him either. We are just going in circles trying to look for a new road I guess.
 
Bless you Isabella. You have a tender spirit!

Feelings of jealousy and grief are not unique to you as first wives. Those are emotions that raise their ugly heads in all relationships and they do not bring peace.

Irishprincess, you have a heritage that exudes strength and endurance! Embrace your SW! You two have the potential for a friendship that most people will never have the opportunity to experience! Smile, laugh, and be open and non-judgmental. Love and be blessed!

Donna... This is a time for your husband to step in and inject order into his household. Take your issues to your husband in respect... without whining, without threatening and pleading. Ask him to deal with your SW if she is causing disharmony among your family. If he will not, and if she will not... (I am sorry to tell you this but please understand) your unhappiness will not draw them to you. Instead they will be more likely to move farther away from you in their hearts.

You need to remember that your husband is not the center of your being. Christ is. Take this time to build your relationship with Jesus and you will experience peace! Donna, the new road that you are looking for may just begin with you stepping out of that endless circle. Begin walking towards Christ. Your family will follow. ;)

Love to you ladies! :D
 
Cat's_Curiosity said:
Bless you Isabella. You have a tender spirit!
Click to expand...

I hope this was a joke, I am no such thing!

B

PS I am not a first wife.
 
Ok, starting at the top and working my way down... :)

Sweet Lisa, your input is always welcome and much appreciated in this case. While I knew what you were saying is true, I had never stopped to think about it really. So thank you!

Cat, you make me smile. There were a couple of nights where she stayed over with her kids and we all 3 did sleep in the bed together. It is a king size bed and we were all fully clothed. :) I have to admit that it was hard to sleep with out her there the following night. I felt good to be surrounded by all that love. I can totally see my SW and I laughing over it from time to time. It is just the part of initially getting there that is proving hard. I like the idea of getting a little "selfish" about my alone time. As a mother of three, it is not something that I have often. I am going to start looking at it that way. Thank you!

Everyone's advice did help and I appreciate it all. Thank you so much ladies. :)
 
Irishprincess, I cannot describe how much I respect your strength of character! Your family is so blessed to have you!
 
I have to agree with Cats_Curiosity, you obviously have worked very hard to get where you are. I admire you in so many ways.

SweetLissa
 
Aww. Thanks girls! Your kind words made me feel so loved. It made my day. Thank you. I find myself struggling again this morning with jealously and insecurity, but it quickly diminished when I stopped to remember everyone's advice. I am feeling more settled and 'normal' about this chapter in my life. This forum gives me the strength I need to keep walking with Him daily. I thank you all for the blessing you are in my life.
 
Daughters of the Most High of Israel & Queens of Mother Earth, thank you for the insight, direction, encouragement and truths! I just feel so inspired after reading everyone's post. I am the 4th wife by revelation to a polygynist, practicing monogamy.

Irishprincess, you are very wise in desiring more for your family. I would suggest being as supportive to your husband as you can. He is feeling the stress and strain from this also and needs your love, warmth and most importantly, support (help, assistance) now than ever. I was shown something from the Father that is rarely spoken about, Noah's wife is one of the most supportive women throughout the Bible. She is shown in the Bible as a wife that was with her husband all the way, not one Scripture states that she gave her husband advice/suggestions as Sarah, or charm to get her way, such as Delilah. This woman endured a year of her husband building the Ark for rain that NO ONE had seen! Wow! I pray that the Father grants us all the wisdom, strength and drive to be that supportive to our husbands.

Also, Irishprincess, one thing that has helped me (and that I need to do more of) is affirmations/decrees. Scripture says that "Death & Life are in the power of the tongue". Scripture also states "Speak those things as though that be not, as they were"! Princess you are created in the image of God, who spoke EVERYTHING in existence! Speak and Declare over your house and family that Peace, Love and Life shall rule your household. Create personal affirmations for yourself (i.e. When I'm away from (husband's name), I find comfort in knowing that he is in the Father's will, or When (SW's name) appears to be distant, I recognize this as her way of saying that she would rather be closer.) Remember, "as a man thinketh, so is he" and "take every thought captive to the obedience of our Lord Iesus Christos".

Thank you Cat_Curiosity for giving me a new perspective on how to view my feelings of separateness (whether in the form of jealousy, fear or abandonment). Instead of seeing my feelings as "threats", I can view them as "alerts" that my future SW maybe feeling the same way, that very moment. It gives me an opportunity to press through my feelings by pressing through "our" feelings together. I don't know if I ever really thought about it like that! Thanks!
 
Hi, I am the only wife of my wonderful husband who has the heart to be a polygamist ... but I am scared. The issues you raise, the sharing and missing him and coping when he is intimate with someone else ... that is right in the heart of what scares me. Before he decided polygamy was calling him, he told me he would love me alone and me forever... and now he wants to murmer endearments to someone else?
So reading your posts has been comforting ... I am still scared but at least I am not alone in that. I am not ready for polygamy yet but I will keep praying and thinking about it and reading all your posts ... and maybe one day! He just hopes it will be SOON and maybe even sooner than that. Hmm.
 
HI my name is Jesse

I am not of poly back round but here it goes anyways. Maybe the times you are missing your husband and feeling these overwhelming feelings of Jealously just maybe this is when GOD is calling you to be with him spend time with him or if you have children spend time with them. Now that you have a SW in your family this will be a good time to get to know and focus on yourself and your own relationship with God. I think a lot of times in mono relationships people or more often the women tend to get so wrapped up in there husbands that they lose sight in what is really important and what truly matters, and I believe that to be your relationship with God.
So now that you have this blessing of a woman in your lives it is time to let him go a bit and not worry about what they are doing but try to focus on what and who you are and what you truly want to be as an individual and as a wife and sister wife.
I know it must be hard to feel these feeling of jealousy but try really hard to understand where they are coming from...

Do you have a relationship with God? dose God come first? do you have a relationship with your self ?? Do you like yourself ?

I could be out of my league here on my advise but this is what I think of when I look back at jealousies I have experienced

Love Jess
 
Jesse,
Thank you so very much for being willing to share your perspective. It really hit a nerve in my heart. You are so correct... That is exactly the way that I need to look at this. I too am not of a PM background, this makes it hard for me to fully know what to do next but has also forced me to rely on God more than my own understanding. Prior to starting this chapter in our lives, my entire focus was my husband and my kids. From my point of view, there was no time for myself or God. A few days ago, I was really struggling with this walk and begged God to show me if this was really what He still wanted. Since that prayer, I have felt a disconnect of sorts from God and that has left me feeling a little worried and panicked that He is trying to tell me that I have stepped away from him. After really thinking about this though, I realized that I have also stopped praying and journaling over the last few days due to outside forces getting the better of me. Today, after realizing this, I decided to sign on and found your post. It was very reaffirming and helped me to feel whole and connected to Him again, so thank you!
 
Cat, you rock!

Merry Christmas, and we thank God and you for your gracious wisdom, girl. ;)
 
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