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How do 1st wives handle....

C

Carly

New Member
I am new to this site. My husband currently is interested in trying PM out. I on the other hand am not. My husband suggested I sign up here and ask some of my questions.
So here it goes.
I want to know mainly from a 1st wives perspective but the other wives can answer as well. I really want an honest answer, I don't want an answer what you think a person wants to hear. I want what you have experienced personally.
How do you handle the emotions regarding knowing that your husband is having "relations" with the other wife? how do you handle the jealous feelings? Knowing at one point he was your main focus of you and your children and now he has his focus on someone else as well.
How do you handle the emotions of him sleeping in another persons bed and not with you?
How do you your children handle this? Regarding all of a sudden instead of just daddy and mommy they now have daddy, mommy and a new mommy living in the same home?

For me personally I don't think I can handle seeing him in the same light has I had. Having to see the other women kissing, having sex and hugging etc with my husband. But my husband says I would get over the feelings. I really don't want my children having to go through this and confusing them.

Thank you for your thoughts.
 
Hello Carly,

Adjusting to having another woman around will be difficult for you and even if you really want PM you will be jealous and have many feelings to work through, your children will pick up on your stress and unhappiness. I know you were probably using a turn of phrase, but Polygamy is not a hobby to 'try out' to see if it is for you, real people are involved and unless you (both) are 100% certain that is a life you wish to lead, only then should you open your hearts to someone else because once the genie is out of that bottle, it cannot be put back in.

Now just because you are 100% certain, does not mean you 100% want it. Many religious women are 100% certain that Polygyny is religiously right and she is 100% certain she wants to support her husband in it, it is possible (though not preferable) to work through the difficult times with that faith but I think whether you are happy and willing or just....willing there is something you need to know 100% before you even think about saying yes and that is, that your marriage is not over and destroyed beyond repair by him being intimate with another woman, you must know that he loves you just as much as he did before, even if he is so excited over a new relationship, you must know that this (possible) other woman is not your enemy but nor is she your friend, it is up to you to build your own independent relationship with her and if you love and care for her also, those feelings of jealousy would be greatly eased.
Make sure you and your husband keep the communication lines open, you often hear of situations when a woman (tentatively) says yes, expecting to sit down and read books together and by the time she has bookmarked some Polygamy sites and went to look up books on Amazon.com, he has already found a woman he likes and invited her over for dinner to discuss a possible polygamous relationship.....don't be put in that position by assuming you and your husband are on the same page, talk, ask questions and make sure you are informed, especially if he is seeking independently from you.
Only when you are both sure that you can live this way, only then should you bring things up with your children, but do not introduce a woman you hardly know as 'New second mummy elect' just talk about different types of family and get them used to the idea, if she is around a lot and they get used to her first, it will seem perfectly natural for her to move in (if that is what you all want) just do not rush anything, if it is right, it will still be right in a year. More problems are caused in this by people rushing than jealousy or anything else.

Don't feel pressured, if it is right for yourself and your family, you will know.
Bels
 
You are most welcome Carly. I hope it helps. You know, we see SO many people make mistakes through excitement on here, it is actually a breath of fresh air to see some caution and restraint.

Bels
x
 
You have asked some really good questions. The good news is you don't have to figure it all out in one week, one month or one year for that matter. Learning about a whole new mindset about "marriage" is just emotionally difficult at first. That doesn't mean it is bad to think differentally just that it is a change for your mind and your heart. Isabella has said some really good things, I encourage you to think on them. I would also encourage you to do your own research and studying of the Bible so that you can have your own informed conviction about plural marriage. It is good that your husband is leading you in this but continuing on with your own study and prayer is very important. Ask the hard questions to God and wait for His answers to be revealed to you.

This will also help with the children and them feeling safe in all these new changes of thought and eventually maybe some physical changes. If they can hear conviction in their mother and father about something then it is much easier to trust in the changes. Also, trust that God has got your children in his hand. He, even more than you or their father, can bring peace and understanding to their hearts. Pray for them, as I am sure you do.

I will be praying for you. If plural marriage is for your family then it will be a good thing and God will show you all that you need to know at the right moment. Read the forums, develovp some relationships online and then come to a retreat and met in person those who are on the same journey as you. If you ever need to talk please PM me. I have been married for 24 years and have lived in a plural family for 15 years and I am still learning things about myself and my relationships in the family. ;)

With hope for the future,
Julie
 
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