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How to Make Friends

Sonshine

Sonshine

Member
Real Person
Female
Besides all the emotional junk that comes from sharing your husband (and not really wanting to), I'm finding that I'm probably the loneliest I've ever been.
Due to not having as much time with the husband, SW and I aren't as close as we once were, moving to a new town away from my mom (the one person who knows and accepts our choices), and not being able to go to church--unless anyone knows of any poly churches on the west coast? ;)-- I'm needing something. Some sort of social interaction. A connection.

I'm debating with myself on whether to join the local homeschool group. Because, my kids could use the social interaction, as well. Because of the move and our choices, they don't have friends, either. :(

But, most of these groups are full of the typical American Christian church-goers. The exact type of people that would never accept us or our lifestyle. We've already decided, as a family, that we aren't going to broadcast our situation. At least not in the foreseeable future.

But, what do I do when I go to a group and after a few trips people start to get personal? I mean, people are going to want to get to know us. That's the whole point of these groups. I'd want that, too, under different circumstances. But, I'm actually thinking the few non-Christians in the group may be easier to become friends with.

Anyway, I guess I'm just hoping for some words of wisdom or advice. Input. Even if it's, "Hey, Sonshine...You'll never have friends again!" ;)
 
Great question to bring up!

Just be yourself. Don't lead with your counter-cultural lifestyle, but don't be ashamed of it either. Sure, some narrow-minded bigots are going to give you a hard time, but you'll find that most people are fairly relaxed about it, and with some, you'll get into some really interesting conversations.

Interesting factoid: We've noticed a trend over the years. Often, when we come out to a person or a couple, we will get some kind of reciprocation, some kind of 'family secret' that they usually don't share but feel relieved to be able to be open about with somebody. Examples: A couple with about a 20+ year age difference. A couple that are first cousins (legal in Texas when they did it, but still an eyebrow-raiser, and no longer legal). And that's just the marriage stuff. We also get all kinds of other confessions, and generally people just seem more relaxed around us after we tell them.

So the bad news is that there are a lot of "churchy" people that are going to be revealed as mere Pharisees, religious police, comfortable in their works righteousness. The good news is that once you get the hang of this you're going to have a lot more interesting set of friends!
 
Sonshine, I don't know much about your situation other than from your previous posts (and I really admire how awesomely you have handled becoming the first wife! It is a wonderful inspiration to me! :) )but as a young wife with 4 (soon 5) kids under 6, I COMPLETELY relate to the feelings of intense loneliness. All of our family, whom we were very close to before, thinks we have sold our souls to Satan and though we haven't been shunned yet, we have been basically told we will be should my husband take a second wife. Add so many littles to the mix and it is hard to even leave the house, let alone try to find new friends who may reject me when they find out my beliefs. I have to say that a huge help has been email/FB friendships with the ladies from the forum. I miss the physical presence of someone but being able to speak freely about my beliefs and their realities with other women has been very refreshing.

You mentioned that you aren't as close to your SW as you were before...though of course I don't know the reasons, I think focusing on your relationship with her first would benefit you even more than seeking friends elsewhere. As your sister in your family and in Christ, being close to her will make all the social rejections much easier to bear. Of course you won't always get along, but what friends (or sisters) always agree on everything? The best friendships are built through overcoming disagreements. :) I hope that you become more comfortable in your new area and that you find good friends soon. Praying for all of you in your journey...families like you are a great encouragement to me! :)
 
Sonshine said:
Besides all the emotional junk that comes from sharing your husband (and not really wanting to), I'm finding that I'm probably the loneliest I've ever been.
Due to not having as much time with the husband, SW and I aren't as close as we once were, moving to a new town away from my mom (the one person who knows and accepts our choices), and not being able to go to church--unless anyone knows of any poly churches on the west coast? ;)-- I'm needing something. Some sort of social interaction. A connection.

I'm debating with myself on whether to join the local homeschool group. Because, my kids could use the social interaction, as well. Because of the move and our choices, they don't have friends, either. :(

But, most of these groups are full of the typical American Christian church-goers. The exact type of people that would never accept us or our lifestyle. We've already decided, as a family, that we aren't going to broadcast our situation. At least not in the foreseeable future.

But, what do I do when I go to a group and after a few trips people start to get personal? I mean, people are going to want to get to know us. That's the whole point of these groups. I'd want that, too, under different circumstances. But, I'm actually thinking the few non-Christians in the group may be easier to become friends with.

Anyway, I guess I'm just hoping for some words of wisdom or advice. Input. Even if it's, "Hey, Sonshine...You'll never have friends again!" ;)
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It's not the quantity, but the quality of friendship. I don't know your family situation, and I won't try to preach about something I know nothing about, but me thinks you have two best friends right in your own house. Maybe after all of this settles in and becomes normal to you, you will discover that they both really love you, but are giving you space to grieve, process, and come out of the shock.
 
Oscar Wilde wrote in his play ,"The Importance of Being Earnest" in which I myself performed a widely acclaimed (my mother liked it) and quite entertaining (she laughed) Algernon, that women never call each other sister until they've called each other a lot of other things first. I say duke it out with the SW and come to a place of intimacy, like cowboys after a bar fight, or Montagues and Capulets after their children have committed the most convoluted and unbelievable suicides in all of human experience.

I once played Romeo in a production that placed great emphasis on the sword fights, so much so that I failed to memorize any of the lines for the final act. I essentially climbed down from the balcony and stalked the stage like a crazed Don Quixote looking for sword fights until all the other actors stopped talking long enough for it to get awkward where upon I hurriedly drank the poison and fell down dead on the spot.

Speaking of Don Quixote, I would tell you a story about The Man of La Mancha but I was never in that so it would be very boring.
 
ZecAustin said:
I once played Romeo in a production that placed great emphasis on the sword fights, so much so that I failed to memorize any of the lines for the final act. I essentially climbed down from the balcony and stalked the stage like a crazed Don Quixote looking for sword fights until all the other actors stopped talking long enough for it to get awkward where upon I hurriedly drank the poison and fell down dead on the spot.
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YOU DID NOT!
 
Thanks, all. I think I'll try the homeschooling group. I have to go back out into the real world someday. :)

As for my relationships, here in the home, I'll continue to work on those. It goes without saying, I think, that it's all really complicated right now. And, I think part of what I'm wanting are friendships that aren't quite so complicated. People that help distract me from the life that I'm less-than pleased about.

But, eventually, I guess the whole goal is to be as close as can be to the SW and husband. Just like you suggested, @Mojo. If you all don't mind, praying for that, I'd appreciate it. :)

And, @ZecAustin, thanks for the laugh! :)
 
Sonshine said:
Thanks, all. I think I'll try the homeschooling group. I have to go back out into the real world someday. :)

As for my relationships, here in the home, I'll continue to work on those. It goes without saying, I think, that it's all really complicated right now. And, I think part of what I'm wanting are friendships that aren't quite so complicated. People that help distract me from the life that I'm less-than pleased about.

But, eventually, I guess the whole goal is to be as close as can be to the SW and husband. Just like you suggested, @Mojo. If you all don't mind, praying for that, I'd appreciate it. :)

And, @ZecAustin, thanks for the laugh! :)
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If you want distraction, you want acquaintances, not friends.

A true friend sticks closer than a brother. Last time I checked, brothers don't always see eye to eye.

Will pray.
 
Hey, don't feel bad for wanting to have friendships outside of your marriage. You need support elsewhere, especially if you didn't want a plural marriage from the beginning. Even if you did, everybody needs space.

Heck, a life outside of the house helps a lot with my anxiety and sadness. I don't have friends, but I have classmates. That helps.
 
Mojo said:
If you want distraction, you want acquaintances, not friends.
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Touché! :)
I'm thinking someone more like my mom. :) We're close, but we don't spend every conversation on what's going on with my family. So, something like that I guess. ;)
 
Lili said:
Heck, a life outside of the house helps a lot with my anxiety and sadness. I don't have friends, but I have classmates. That helps.
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Well, actually, I may start school next year so that would actually work out. :)
 
@Sonshine
Distraction is great. I don't want you to think I'm belittling it. Cabin fever is a real thing. If you stay inside and alone, it messes with your brain, unless you are a hermit by nature. I'm going to look for a cool Twilight Zone episode that touches on the need for human interaction. I hope to post it soon.
 
I've had trouble making friends as well, Mostly because I'm a home body and I'm usually too busy chasing kids to be able to stop and have a real conversation. :) That, and I've had two really bad experiences with women I thought of as my best friends who turned out to be evil. One called every person I had ever known and told them a lot of lies about me, this resulted in loss of most of my childhood friends.... so I tend to have trust issues. I do have one very good friend who lives two states away, we FaceTime a lot which helps with the loneliness.
 
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My lovely has had both experiences. She's been lonely, and has been taken advantage of by evil women. You all are not the only ones. Read some of those psalms and proverbs. They capture the feeling very well.
 
I'll be your friend :))
 
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