Husband is dating

[lovingfirstwife123]

Hi ladies I'm new to this group but I though I'd ask. How do you feel about your husband dating?

For some context my husband has two wives. I'm his first wife and met him through a dating site. Shortly after he was introduced to the daughter of a member of a church we occasionally visited that was accepting of polygyny. Now my husband has expressed interest in potentially taking a third wife. While us two wives are fine with that, he has decided to try dating online again and going on dates with other women that we haven't been personally introduced too. Having gone through the emotions of being the first wife and accepting the sister-wife I'm a bit more ready for the emotions, but co-wife is struggling with jealousy a lot more.

Obviously we have no intention of intervening with our husband. We believe he has the right to introduce other women into our relationship if he want to, but not sure how we feel about him casual dating. If you were in this situation how would you react?

 

[MeganC]

Hi ladies I'm new to this group but I though I'd ask. How do you feel about your husband dating?

For some context my husband has two wives. I'm his first wife...

And this is one of those things that's unique to first wives. I pray for your struggle with this because you had your husband all to yourself and then had to adjust to having someone join your marriage.

Plurals (almost) never have this issue because we never had our husband to ourselves. In many ways it is so much harder to be a first and I admire those women who can overcome their feelings to allow for a whole new family to come into being. This is not a small ask from your husband and it is huge how you have made clear your commitment to him and your marriage by going along with something that is not easy for most women.

Much respect!

 

[Joleneakamama]

My husband never was interested in dating. It is much like trying to find a needle in a haystack. I met a gal online about 11 years ago who he talked to. She eventually came for a visit, and liked our family, but it didn't work out. After that experience with long distance/online, he decided no more. He felt he'd have a better chance meeting someone local....which he did.

He has two wives now, and even less interest in dating. He likes spending time at home.

 

[ChristinaB]

That’s both an easy and difficult question to answer. I suppose it depends on what you mean by dating. My master/husband is actively seeking another wife…seeking! He has a full process he developed to which he adheres. He chats with women often. He isn’t just randomly going on dates for the purpose of dating as the world does now. I think the word dating in the context of polygyny can be confusing and sometimes needs clarified. First and foremost, it’s as you said, it IS HIS RIGHT to expand the family as and how he sees fit. I am the first and only wife at this time and he has not yet taken another after me. I feel blessed that I have no internal struggle with my husband’s plans and intentions. In fact, I look forward to gaining a friend in a sister wife. My master was very intentional when he met and got to know me, just as he is now. From everything we have seen and studied, the second or newest wife seems to struggle when a third or subsequent wife is added. I’m not sure if your sister wife is struggling with his process or the idea of and addition in general. As for my master, I know he is a strong Yah fearing man and his process is in accordance with the laws of Yahuah. With that being said, I am not his conscience, so I would not (or be very careful to ever) voice any ‘disagreement’ with the choices he makes along the way.
Hope this helps!

 

[lovingfirstwife123]

Thank you for the responses! I guess for my husband and I we met online at first and dated for a year before we got married. We were monogomous and I was not really playing a submissive role to my husband at first, that come gradually and later on. My husband's second marriage was more arranged you could say.

That being said my husband is trying a bit of both for his third. He is going on actual dates (e.g. dinner, movies, etc.), but he is also lookong for other members of our very limited community also seeking a marraige for themselves or someone they know. In both cases he is spending time with these women alone and for now has decided to keep the most part of their communication private.

I suppose its the not knowing that is getting to us this time lol. But we also think he has the RIGHT as Christina put it to do these things. Plus we trust him entirely to choose a partner that is beneficial to the whole family!

 

[MrsEmmert]

This topic intrigues me as a first wife whose hubby is searching for wife #2. For those who have already been through this rigorous search process, was the prospect (potential next wife) already aware that your husband was married when they started talking/dating? Or was she under the impression that he was single and then he introduced them to the concept of plural marriage?

Not sure if our situation is typical or unique. Neither of us grew up around families who practiced polygyny; we just came to the realization that PM is Biblical on our own. Plus, we live in a rural area and we don't really engage in social circles (mostly because any decent ones just don't exist around here!). Thankfully, my husband views this search as a team effort, as we all need to be compatible in order for us to function as a familial unit. So, we joined a few dating sites (some poly-friendly, some not so much) and there are a few prospects out there, but mostly not on the poly sites. It has been a special bonding experience, looking through profiles and drafting messages to those who align with our values. The poly sites are nice because we can present ourselves as a couple looking for a second wife/sister wife. But with the non-poly ones, he has to structure his profile as if he were single. This sets my husband up for the need to introduce that special lady he finds to this way of life. It's a bit nerve-racking to consider having to convince a woman to enter a plural marriage. There are plenty more suitable candidates on the non-poly sites. Most on poly sites are either fake or are only there for adulterous flings. Of course, we are looking for someone who would be committed to a lifelong relationship with lots of children and believes in God and His Word. So we have ourselves a dilemma. At least, it seems like a dilemma from my perspective.

Any further thoughts or advice would be most welcome. Thanks!

 

[Joleneakamama]

It is a dilemma. The gals openly interested in a married man usually lack morals, and the gals with morals won't think you have any. That can make it seem an impossible dream.

I don't know that there is any easy solution. I was very open and discussed my interest in having a sisterwife for about 20 years. Practically no one wants to hear about it, think about it, or talk about it.

Most will think you're crazy.....or you just want a maid, or nanny.....or they jump to confusions and assume you want a break from keepin' up with your sex maniac husband....or you want a woman lover....

After 20 years I do have a sisterwife....and she was very worth waiting for. Trust that if God purposes this for you, you won't miss out.

 

[Joleneakamama]

For those who have already been through this rigorous search process, was the prospect (potential next wife) already aware that your husband was married when they started talking/dating?

My sisterwife was first hired to do secretarial work from home. She became a friend of the family. She had a school friend from a poly family, and also knew I liked the idea (I had shared my opinion about things) so after about a year things changed. Hubby asked her out, she said yes, they did some serious talking.....and she had already been contemplating the possibility. In a little while she said she was sure this was what she wanted.

 

[MrsEmmert]

Thanks for sharing part of your experience @Joleneakamama. I commend you for such patience. Not sure if I could wait 20 years for a sister wife! So glad it worked out for you and your family. Yes, trusting God and His Providential timing is definitely important. And no, I don't want a maid, nanny, cook, or anything like that. I want a friend who has children to grow up with my own.

That's such a sweet story.

 

[Joleneakamama]

And no, I don't want a maid, nanny, cook, or anything like that. I want a friend who has children to grow up with my own.

I get that....and others here will too.. but it's super rare to find people in your regular life that do.
My sw has a son 2 years older then our youngest, and now she has a baby daughter 3 1/2 months old. I would have loved to have her here sooner.....but that wouldn't really have been possible. 20 years ago she was in grade school.
I still think it's amazing that she's here and very much belongs. Like I said....she was worth waiting for! She says she's glad we didn't find someone sooner. ....I am too! God knows what He's doing.

 

[lovingfirstwife123]

When huuby and I decided that we would try plural marriage. We were in a different place than we are now. At first we didn't know we were looking for a wife, that come later on. For us, it started by online dating, but as Jolene said most women that we interested in married men didn't really fit the morals we were looking for.

The women that we did find that we interested in something genuine were interested in being with us both romatically and physically. Quickly we realized that was not what we wanted. It took as about a year and blind luck to find friends that were also part of or interested in being part of this niche community. One of their daughters took a liking to my husband and vice versa and they were married shortly after she turned 18.

Since then its been a fantastic marriage with your usual ups and downs, but the point is sometimes God will give you an answer when you least expect it. For us He blessed us more than words can describe with my sister. So keep trying, but be clear about what exactly you are looking for. Half truths and lies won't help you find what you really seek.

 

[Bina]

That’s both an easy and difficult question to answer. I suppose it depends on what you mean by dating. My master/husband is actively seeking another wife…seeking! He has a full process he developed to which he adheres. He chats with women often. He isn’t just randomly going on dates for the purpose of dating as the world does now. I think the word dating in the context of polygyny can be confusing and sometimes needs clarified. First and foremost, it’s as you said, it IS HIS RIGHT to expand the family as and how he sees fit. I am the first and only wife at this time and he has not yet taken another after me. I feel blessed that I have no internal struggle with my husband’s plans and intentions. In fact, I look forward to gaining a friend in a sister wife. My master was very intentional when he met and got to know me, just as he is now. From everything we have seen and studied, the second or newest wife seems to struggle when a third or subsequent wife is added. I’m not sure if your sister wife is struggling with his process or the idea of and addition in general. As for my master, I know he is a strong Yah fearing man and his process is in accordance with the laws of Yahuah. With that being said, I am not his conscience, so I would not (or be very careful to ever) voice any ‘disagreement’ with the choices he makes along the way.
Hope this helps!

Christina I like your choice of words here.

 

[Farmer in the Dell]

Thanks for sharing part of your experience @Joleneakamama. I commend you for such patience. Not sure if I could wait 20 years for a sister wife! So glad it worked out for you and your family. Yes, trusting God and His Providential timing is definitely important. And no, I don't want a maid, nanny, cook, or anything like that. I want a friend who has children to grow up with my own.

That's such a sweet story.

I've been waiting 9yrs for a sister wife and it just seems to get more hopeless. Thinking no one is going to want to marry into an 'old' marriage. I'm getting too old to have kids and we'd like to expand our family. I hope and pray it doesn't take 20 yrs!

 

[Farmer in the Dell]

Hi ladies I'm new to this group but I though I'd ask. How do you feel about your husband dating?

For some context my husband has two wives. I'm his first wife and met him through a dating site. Shortly after he was introduced to the daughter of a member of a church we occasionally visited that was accepting of polygyny. Now my husband has expressed interest in potentially taking a third wife. While us two wives are fine with that, he has decided to try dating online again and going on dates with other women that we haven't been personally introduced too. Having gone through the emotions of being the first wife and accepting the sister-wife I'm a bit more ready for the emotions, but co-wife is struggling with jealousy a lot more.

Obviously we have no intention of intervening with our husband. We believe he has the right to introduce other women into our relationship if he want to, but not sure how we feel about him casual dating. If you were in this situation how would you react?

I'm surprised that she is struggling. I'm a first and currently only wife so I can't speak into it from experience but I would encourage her to see the benefits in the way you did and help her to realize how beneficial it was when she joined and encourage your husband to do the same - he may have different positives to point out. She won't be losing a husband she'll be gaining another companion. Of course it will take time to adjust and she needs to confront her feelings of jealousy and ask God's forgiveness. Marriage is a sanctifying thing!