Tndreamergal
New Member
Dear God, why is it I can view her demons so clearly, while mine hide in the shadows and only let me glimpse them after their work is finished. Her faults, her misdeeds, her bad choice of words, her less than admirable reactions, even her reasons (IMHO) for doing what I consider irresponsible things are so very easy for me to recognize, and often point out to our husband. Yet here I sit, needing “introspection” to find my own less than admirable qualities. Are my demons so very different? Or are they just outside the color spectrum I choose to see.
I honestly wanted and actively planned this PM situation with my husband. We got ourselves into a state of affairs (so to speak) that had only one Godly solution, and we began searching for it before we even knew its name. I truly believe in the biblical foundation of PM and that David, whom I can accept as the head of our marriage, has had this put on his heart by God and not by his choice. But oh those sneaky personal demons, how bright orange they can burn.
How can all my great plans become so difficult to remember whenever her demons, which often appear in lollipop colors to deceive David, show their little evil faces. Or is that my overweight green demon speaking? Interfering with my memory?
I want to think that demons could not exist in my heart since it is so massively full of love for this man. Yet I can feel them hip-bumping and doing the happy feet dances on my soul when they have managed to guide me onto their scheming path.
I have been around this marriage-go-round before, twice. In a monogamous union where I only shared a man when he thought it was in secret, but it never was, I knew and then at first he knew I knew, then later in both cases I stopped caring if I knew. In the first case, it was my best friend, and in retrospect I think God had this PM plan in mind, but the man involved was not strong enough to face the challenge.
I am getting tired of being the strong one. That is my Russian weight lifting demon, the one whose muscles are getting worn out. I like to picture him in a leopard skin thong. At least he used to look good in that, but now he hides out with the rest of his crew and I am not sure of his color. Very deceiving and I am left to think he is what he used to be, until I pull him out and he lets me down.
You see why I dislike this introspection attitude? I am forgetting to list all her demons, and even sometimes spot we are more alike than different. Oh wait, I need to see these differences, because in my attitude of self-importance I can feel in control, and that makes me feel safe. And I need to feel safe in his love for me, safe in his need for my being and safe that he will overlook my demons.
But there is this one problem. He is such a strong man that he can also overlook her demons, even those that have jumped out and sunk their teeth in him. God knows I need a lot more contemplation (and prayer) to understand that. There is this nutty professor demon that dresses well (navy blue business suit with a MBA color) that wants to tell me I am too smart to accept anyone can have that much God in his heart Since I like that demon so well, it is harder to fight her. She doesn’t even want me to recognize her as a demon, often pretending to be my friend.
Give me strength God. If this PM is going to work for your glory and the good of all concerned I need to battle my demons before there is any chance for me to help her cope with hers.
PJ
I honestly wanted and actively planned this PM situation with my husband. We got ourselves into a state of affairs (so to speak) that had only one Godly solution, and we began searching for it before we even knew its name. I truly believe in the biblical foundation of PM and that David, whom I can accept as the head of our marriage, has had this put on his heart by God and not by his choice. But oh those sneaky personal demons, how bright orange they can burn.
How can all my great plans become so difficult to remember whenever her demons, which often appear in lollipop colors to deceive David, show their little evil faces. Or is that my overweight green demon speaking? Interfering with my memory?
I want to think that demons could not exist in my heart since it is so massively full of love for this man. Yet I can feel them hip-bumping and doing the happy feet dances on my soul when they have managed to guide me onto their scheming path.
I have been around this marriage-go-round before, twice. In a monogamous union where I only shared a man when he thought it was in secret, but it never was, I knew and then at first he knew I knew, then later in both cases I stopped caring if I knew. In the first case, it was my best friend, and in retrospect I think God had this PM plan in mind, but the man involved was not strong enough to face the challenge.
I am getting tired of being the strong one. That is my Russian weight lifting demon, the one whose muscles are getting worn out. I like to picture him in a leopard skin thong. At least he used to look good in that, but now he hides out with the rest of his crew and I am not sure of his color. Very deceiving and I am left to think he is what he used to be, until I pull him out and he lets me down.
You see why I dislike this introspection attitude? I am forgetting to list all her demons, and even sometimes spot we are more alike than different. Oh wait, I need to see these differences, because in my attitude of self-importance I can feel in control, and that makes me feel safe. And I need to feel safe in his love for me, safe in his need for my being and safe that he will overlook my demons.
But there is this one problem. He is such a strong man that he can also overlook her demons, even those that have jumped out and sunk their teeth in him. God knows I need a lot more contemplation (and prayer) to understand that. There is this nutty professor demon that dresses well (navy blue business suit with a MBA color) that wants to tell me I am too smart to accept anyone can have that much God in his heart Since I like that demon so well, it is harder to fight her. She doesn’t even want me to recognize her as a demon, often pretending to be my friend.
Give me strength God. If this PM is going to work for your glory and the good of all concerned I need to battle my demons before there is any chance for me to help her cope with hers.
PJ
