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Navigating Compassion

southernphotini

southernphotini

Member
Female
I'm sick, on NyQuil, and had a horrible week. My car died and the first wife of the man I have been talking to doesn't seem to be interested in my joining the family.

And the thing is I'm angry. I know I shouldn't be but I am.

This woman has a man who has been marvelous to her. He has given her everything. When you think about an ideal relationship, you think of a man like him. And while he has been talking to me he has taken her on vacations, kayaking, hockey games, and they go for drives looking at Christmas lights. His attention to me has not diminished his attention to her. In fact the opposite seems true.

This woman is beyond blessed. She is sitting at a banquet and I am starving, and it just feels so selfish that she isn't open to sharing just a part of him.

I have poured out my heart to her, letting her know I don't want to steal him, that I want him to love her and explaining how I want a close relationship with her. That I want to add to her life and not take from it.

I have been trapped in the absolute hell of dating for years. My sister hears my horror stories and swears that should her husband leave her or die she will remain single rather than endure what I have been through.

I just want a good man, and I would rather share a good man than settle for a man who treats me badly.

I'm praying desperately her heart softens towards me and she will see me as a blessing rather than a threat. I'm holding onto a very thin hope, and so I'm trying to see things from her perspective and have compassion.

But I'm so angry right now. I had to deal with my car dying and car shopping all on my own while sick this week, with no man to drive me to work or talk to the salesmen and mechanics with me. I have a very real poverty in my singleness that has nothing to do with money and everything to do with family, love, relationships.

I don't want to be angry with her, but right now it just feels so selfish. As if she sees me and says since I have no bread I should eat cake.

When you feel so hurt and angry, how do you navigate compassion with a sister-wife? How do you navigate a perceived injustice with a woman you want to maintain a good relationship with?
 
I was on the other side. I knew I was blessed and wanted to share it all with someone who would appreciate it.

I will keep praying for all involved in your situation.
 
I understand your frustration with it all. Unfortunately, your relationship with this man is a "cart before the horse" situation. (That is if I am remembering correctly that he has been talking with you before he talked to his wife about polygyny.) I commend you for trying your best to communicate your intentions the best you could to her but it really is a waiting game now. And a prayer game for both him and her. This time will also give you a different insight into this man's character. May you gain something valuable in that for the future, if a future happens for you and him. Trusting that God has it all in his hands is also a valuable exercise. Yet, the wife has the free will to NOT follow her husband in this new truth. I encourage you to be prepared for that also, just as much as being prepared for joining the family. Again, an exercise in faith and trust in your Heavenly Father. I will be praying for you all. Hang in there!
 
Just a couple of thoughts-

I'm curious how fresh this all is to his wife? If it's new to her and additional wives weren't something discussed before they made vows to remain faithful to each other then this has got to be a heavy blow to his wife. She may not be keeping him to herself simply to be malicious towards you, she may just need time to think through everything and adjust, she deserves that time. Not that I disagree with you because I can very much relate to how you feel however we're looking at this from a second wife's perspective, not a firsts. You have every right to be angry but I think your anger may be misplaced.

Also you referenced while you've been "talking" to him. How much time in person have you really spent with him? Obviously I don't have to tell you this but people can be anything they want to be when you're just "talking" to them. You may have a completely different understanding of the situation once you actually spend time with him and his wife. That brings me to my next question. How much time are you willing to invest into this? It seems you're ready now and his wife is not, if this isn't going anywhere anytime soon, why waste even more of your time? Just because you've spent years on this relationship doesn't mean you have to continue holding onto it, you're not married. There are plenty of good men/couples who are ready for an additional wife, you literally have the pick of the litter being a single woman who is open to joining a family.
 
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I'm laughing at pick of the litter....but I've said that about my hubby. There are six sons....he was the first to marry. There was just no comparison though....and he's the oldest (and I'm older then him lol)

It is true that many husbands would welcome the opportunity to get to know you, and many wives would appreciate a sisterwife.
 
I’ll be honest, this experience has soured me on the whole concept of polygyny. I’m not really clear on why a woman would want to be a second wife. It’s relegating yourself to second class rather than joining a family. At least that’s how I feel today, but it’s a rough day admittedly.
 
I’m sorry you are having a rough day, hopefully it gets better.

How long ago did he bring up plural marriage to his wife? Was he already talking with you when me told her about his desire to have another wife? Do you and his wife get to spend any time hanging out or getting to know each other?
 
southernphotini said:
I’ll be honest, this experience has soured me on the whole concept of polygyny. I’m not really clear on why a woman would want to be a second wife. It’s relegating yourself to second class rather than joining a family. At least that’s how I feel today, but it’s a rough day admittedly.
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I think the whole thing is made much more difficult because of how society wrongly limits marriage. Once upon a time men didn't have to pretend that their vows made them blind to other women, and practically neutered. Now, with women being more demanding and at the same time less dependant, with society acting like men who would marry a second are somehow messed up....it is hard for most men to broach the subject. Hard to bring it up with another woman, and hard to bring it up with the wife.

I don't see my sisterwife as second class, and neither does our husband. He says his feelings for her are equal to his feelings for me. He is just as commited to her. And she really feels like part of our family too. The children all accept her. Just the other night she was up kinda late visiting our daughter, who likes her....but will probably never see her as another mom. With only 5 years between them they are friends.

For her the advantage was in getting someone proven. She didn't like the thought of putting her son through dating and break ups with men she didn't see a future with. We were already living the life she wanted. . and she liked us all too.
She knew I was positive about the idea, and so the biggest drawback was the social stigma. Her family think she is making bad decisions. I'm as certain of her as I was my husband when we met.

Rough days happen. It is a lot for a wife to wrap her mind and heart around. Some aspects were impossible until there was someone real to see that life with.

Just wait and see. You don't know what is possible, or how hearts may change.
 
southernphotini said:
I’ll be honest, this experience has soured me on the whole concept of polygyny. I’m not really clear on why a woman would want to be a second wife. It’s relegating yourself to second class rather than joining a family. At least that’s how I feel today, but it’s a rough day admittedly.
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Hopefully you feel better soon ❤️ I know everything sucks when you're sick.
 
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Sorry, I have had a really rough week. I don’t mean to be so negative.

I have not met her yet. I want to hang out with her. I think I would really enjoy her company.

I’m going to give reaching out to her another shot.

I’m not clear on the communication on her side. I’m a bit in the dark at the moment.
 
How long has it been since you and he have been discussing the possibility of you joining his family?

I’ve been pretty transparent that accepting plural has not been an easy journey for me. I can sympathize with you on the things you are feeling, but I certainly can put myself in his wife’s shoes in how terrifying it is to possibly have a complete stranger come in and instantly get half of the life my husband and I have built together.

Can he set up a day for the three of you to spend time together so you can at least meet each other? A genuine friendship helps lessen fears.

If it’s been a short time since he introduced plural to her, you might be in for a long up and down ride. Some first wives are amazing, like @Joleneakamama, and just embrace it with open arms... others are an emotional mess like myself where it takes years to understand that life won’t be hell when another woman joins my husband’s family.

In the meantime, be praying for her heart to open up, for your heart to have understanding where she is struggling, and for the man you are seeing to have wisdom on how to move his family forward.
 
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