Not first rodeo or still learning to ride...

[paterfamilias]

I am curious about the opinion of the group.

Given that it is not our first rodeo as polygamists, from the point of view of single woman seeking a husband; where dies the balance lie in that I have previously been a practicing polygamist and by extension am not just working on theory as presumably a plus vs the fact that my previous plural wife of several years is no longer part of the family ie I am a presumed failure at implementing a plural marriage?

Not just asking the ladies, more a broad perception question.

I imagine that there will be appropriate scripture to quote here and while that is interesting enough in of itself, I find that a lot of people in this circle still have a gut that they listen to. It is that gut feeling that I am interested in from a wider group compared to my own ground level view.

 

[Bartato]

I am curious about the opinion of the group.

Given that it is not our first rodeo as polygamists, from the point of view of single woman seeking a husband; where dies the balance lie in that I have previously been a practicing polygamist and by extension am not just working on theory as presumably a plus vs the fact that my previous plural wife of several years is no longer part of the family ie I am a presumed failure at implementing a plural marriage?

Not just asking the ladies, more a broad perception question.

I imagine that there will be appropriate scripture to quote here and while that is interesting enough in of itself, I find that a lot of people in this circle still have a gut that they listen to. It is that gut feeling that I am interested in from a wider group compared to my own ground level view.

That's a good question. I see some of both, but with the presumed failure outweighing the perceived benefit of experience. That's just my gut impression. I'm a man, not a single woman, so my opinion matters less from a practical perspective.

 

[Mark C]

Just as lots of men aren't ready for marriage, ANY marriage (as Paul noted), the same is true of women.

The 'odds' simply go up as the numbers do (until, hopefully, experience finally enters the equation and dominates.)

And a society which hates men in general, marriage in general, and REAL examples of either in particular, is intended to make it more difficult.

 

[FollowingHim2]

My gut feeling is that the fact that you have a failed plural marriage is a huge red flag. If I knew more about the circumstances it wouldn't necessarily stay that way, but that's my initial reaction.

I would also have the same reaction if I was single and getting to know a monogamous man if he had been divorced before.

 

[FollowingHim]

Both, honestly. A failure of course - you clearly made mistakes at some stage in this for you to end up with a divorce - either you shouldn't have taken that wife in the first place (she was not the sort of woman who could stick it out as a plural wife), or she was an appropriate woman but you were unable to make it work. Now, obviously there's fault on all sides, I'm not pinning everything on you, you're just asking about yourself. And, to be honest, you must have stuffed up somewhere.

If you are wise, you will understand where you went wrong, have learned from that experience, and be able to make wiser decisions on marriage in the future. If this is the case, you would in theory be more likely to succeed in a future plural marriage as will at least know not to do whatever it was that caused the last one to fail.

On the other hand, if you have not learned from this experience, you're likely to repeat it again. And population level statistics would suggest that is more likely. In the real world of monogamy (we don't have stats for polygamy), second marriages are more likely to fail than first marriages - meaning that people who have been through divorce are more likely to do it again than people who have not. If the same is true for polygamy - and it is reasonable to assume it is - then someone who has had one divorce is more likely to have more divorces, as in general people don't tend to learn as much from this as they think they have learned. Which is why @FollowingHim2 says it's a "red flag".

So you have the potential to be more experienced and wise, but as @Bartato said "the failure outweighs the perceived benefit of experience", because the failure is a known quantity, and the perceived benefit is more uncertain as it is very difficult for a prospective wife to judge whether you are now less likely to divorce because you've grown from that experience, or whether it just shows her you're the sort of man who is prone to marriage failure.

Just being brutally honest with you because you asked the question - and remember this is my personal opinion not the position of the ministry.

Also, more brutal honesty - you need to get to know the One who designed you, and designed marriage. Turning to Him will change you far more drastically than anything else. And such a drastic change would be the one thing that would render your previous failure obsolete, because then it would be a largely different man who made that failure. The whole thing about being "born again" and your sins being washed away so we can now forget the past is not just a spiritual, legalistic thing. It's practical and realistic. I wouldn't marry a secular woman who had divorced, as she is still the same woman who left her last man (ignoring the spiritual side), but I would at least consider marrying a woman who had been through that past but had then completely changed her entire religious position, because I have evidence of a substantial change in her entire outlook on life and marriage, which would likely cause her to make different decisions in future.

 

[steve]

my previous plural wife of several years is no longer part of the family ie I am a presumed failure at implementing a plural marriage?

Not necessarily, it’s possible that she was a failure at making the lifestyle work. Probably no one is clean.
Polygyny hasn’t been around long enough in western culture for there to be certifiable experts in the subject, and we don’t even have concrete understandings of all of the nuances of monogamy.

 

[paterfamilias]

I can't prove it... having been active on polygamy related discussions for a long time as values of long go on the internet, but I get the vibe that there are loads more of us than we know or realize.

I know of a local Dr that was treating a family member who turned out to be in a plural marriage and an in-law found out a few years ago that a couple of their aunts were actually married to the same man on the quiet. Plus there is a community somewhere out in far west Texas (not the Warren Jeffrey's place but a nice neighborhood in the middle of the desert near nothing) that my grandfather would casually refer to as that polygamist settlement.

Don't think we are ready to run for office on the Plyg ticket yet but I really think there are far more quiet plurals out there and not just us weirdos

 

[paterfamilias]

My gut feeling is that the fact that you have a failed plural marriage is a huge red flag. If I knew more about the circumstances it wouldn't necessarily stay that way, but that's my initial reaction.

I would also have the same reaction if I was single and getting to know a monogamous man if he had been divorced before.

Very much my expectation.

By the same token, it is not something that one would hide. So, a bit difficult to get around. Just have to push though I suppose. Not sure what else that can be done beyond being up front about the circumstances