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On purity...

Cool Wifey Jones

Cool Wifey Jones

Member
Female
This is a small portion of my story, but I hope to gain insight from some of the other ladies on this subject. I was 20 years old when @Soldier's Psalm and I married. I had made a covenant with God when I turned 13 to remain pure until my wedding night. Without going into great detail I can tell you God protected me even in moments of anger and frustration when I was straying from Him. Thankfully! I thought it important to note though...it has not been easy, even after marriage. I battled a lot of negative self image because "I was no longer pure". My husband didn't even know about this internal struggle until about 3-4 years into marriage. Even after seven years of marriage I still have a poor outlook on intimacy at times as being something "dirty" or only for men. Sometimes I think we focus so much on being "pure" and not enough on, "Hey, this is a gift Yah has given to us in marriage. Enjoy it and unwrap it daily." I'm not saying purity isn't important, but maybe the message behind it could be brought to the forefront and help young women to know their value is not in their purity. Thoughts?
 
You're story is wonderful! Thank you for sharing! I'll comment later though.. no time atm
 
I totally understand what you’re saying.
I don’t have time and I’m not super comfortable on a public forum, but here’s a neat website that may be a great wealth of information for you to check out:
Tolovehonorandvacuum.com
She’s point blank, but tactful in her writing.

Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge. Hebrews 13:4.
Have fun and work through these things, it’s worth it!!
 
Well loved wife said:
I totally understand what you’re saying.
I don’t have time and I’m not super comfortable on a public forum, but here’s a neat website that may be a great wealth of information for you to check out:
Tolovehonorandvacuum.com
She’s point blank, but tactful in her writing.

Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge. Hebrews 13:4.
Have fun and work through these things, it’s worth it!!
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Thank you!
 
When I was about 14-15 I prayed and told my heavenly father I didn't want to do the "going out" and "breaking up" that the goofy girls my age were doing, I just wanted to wait for the right one. He remembered that prayer better than I did, and answered it.

Even in a happy marriage to someone you are super well matched with you still have a learning curve, and may have to deal with wrong thinking you didn't even realize you had learned.

Bridging the gap in natures between men and women, learning to understand your partner and then truly becoming one is a journey. The love life is only as good as the rest of the relationship, but can be further handicapped by hang ups and unbiblical thinking or expectations. Definitely it's worth working through any issue! Things are great.....beyond my ability to express great, when you are one and being a blessing to each other.
 
I think many of us have had this experience. Our parents, specifically mothers, raise us to be good girls so as not to ruin our reputations etc. Am I telling my age? Lol. My mother was not particularly religious, but it was a part of the culture then. Then to marry and try to have a healthier and more balanced outlook on sexuality is very challenging, as many women don't like to necessarily discuss (seriously) sex. I am blessed in that I am an avid reader and if there is somethung I want to know or understand better I am pretty proactive in searching it out. The older I get, the more I am aware of the dysfunctional attitudes about sexuality of believers as well as unbelievers. If you do start a private thread, clue me in. I feel this is an important topic.
 
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Robhar said:
I think many of us have had this experience. Our parents, specifically mothers, raise us to be good girls so as not to ruin our reputations etc. Am I telling my age? Lol. My mother was not particularly religious, but it was a part of the culture then. Then to marry and try to have a healthier and more balanced outlook on sexuality is very challenging, as many women don't like to necessarily discuss (seriously) sex. I am blessed in that I am an avid reader and if there is somethung I want to know or understand better I am pretty proactive in searching it out. The older I get, the more I am aware of the dysfunctional attitudes about sexuality of believers as well as unbelievers. If you do start a private thread, clue me in. I fee this is an important topic.
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It’s a pit for sure. I grew up being told sex was gross and dirty. Boys will use you, don’t trust them, they’ll get what they want then leave you for the next hot thing...
I guess we have to empty that bucket out and put in what is true.
I tell my kids it’s an amazing thing to experience with your husband. It’s made for a time (marriage) and a place, there will be seasons in that realm as there are in most of life.
 
It definitely is a trap. I remained a virgin until my wedding night. I had a hard time getting over the fact that I was no longer a virgin and kind of felt like I lost some of my worth because I held so much value in saving myself.
I struggled with “enjoying” all the aspects of it because it felt dirty. I had finally started to get to a better place with it when plural came up.. then a whole new phase of feeling like I didn’t have worth because I didn’t think I was “satisfying” enough or “if only I had been more adventurous” he wouldn’t need another wife. I let Satan feed me lies and I struggled with resentment towards my husband for desiring more when I had given him the “precious gift” of my virginity and knowing he could now have other wives and sleep with them. I had a hard time with God through it too.

It’s been a journey that’s for sure. I still have moments where I struggle and wish I had learned a different mindset earlier in life. It would have saved so many tears.

Satan will use any thing he can to bring guilt- even in areas he has no business planting that seed.
 
WifeOfHisYouth said:
It definitely is a trap. I remained a virgin until my wedding night. I had a hard time getting over the fact that I was no longer a virgin and kind of felt like I lost some of my worth because I held so much value in saving myself.
I struggled with “enjoying” all the aspects of it because it felt dirty. I had finally started to get to a better place with it when plural came up.. then a whole new phase of feeling like I didn’t have worth because I didn’t think I was “satisfying” enough or “if only I had been more adventurous” he wouldn’t need another wife. I let Satan feed me lies and I struggled with resentment towards my husband for desiring more when I had given him the “precious gift” of my virginity and knowing he could now have other wives and sleep with them. I had a hard time with God through it too.

It’s been a journey that’s for sure. I still have moments where I struggle and wish I had learned a different mindset earlier in life. It would have saved so many tears.

Satan will use any thing he can to bring guilt- even in areas he has no business planting that seed.
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Soooo, maybe there’s a lot more ‘unculturing’ we need to be doing- not only for us wives, but also our precious next generation!!!
I have been dealing with the exact same thing, just didn’t want to put myself out there- you brave soul:D
 
I just inherited attitudes from my mom. Some say "more is caught then taught." There was a time a few years...maybe 5 into marriage that I let stuff I caught from my mom impact my relationship with my hubby. Thankfully I was able to let the "rattitude" go and see him without the inherited or caught lens.
I was never told sex was dirty or bad, but my mom lived without it for many years....and that sends a message too. I got told it was like ice cream in that it should be a treat... that it lost something if it was enjoyed too often. I'm laughing while writing because that has never been my experience. I did learn though that my mom's attitudes, if I let them be mine, had a way bad effect on my relationship with my husband, but if I chose to see him as the incredible provision of God that he is.....if I lift him up and affirm his headship of this family.....life is sweet indeed!
 
I'm not really sure what I was taught or when but seemed to rather glean that I wasn't supposed to have sex before marriage. Other things of my childhood messed me up. I had this war between withholding and just giving away as was happening more and more. But at the same time I was such a tom boy that there really wasn't any guys interested in me. Yikes I was awkward. So I had some teaching but no real understanding. Because of this well, I was pretty much a virgin physically only. When I was 12 or 13 I prayed God provide me the man I was supposed to marry. Well, Romance novels.. and two boyfriends later.. rockfox shows up. Irresistible.. I was hopeless. Unfortunately, also half ruined. Ultimately, I knew nothing of purity and was never really taught what marriage is or what it means.. just some kind of surface idea with no meat. That made it very hard for me to submit when we reached that hump where the gleam of new love and romance wore off and all the flaws began to show raw and true.

I guess what i'm trying to muddle through is that even from the other side of purity you can get messed up and some how I pray conversations like this can help us to find the middle ground to teach our children to be better and prayerfully have a somewhat easier time or at least better understanding of a proper relationship. For me especially to help teach my daughters.

So thank you for starting this thread @Cool Wifey Jones :)
 
WifeOfHisYouth said:
It definitely is a trap. I remained a virgin until my wedding night. I had a hard time getting over the fact that I was no longer a virgin and kind of felt like I lost some of my worth because I held so much value in saving myself.
I struggled with “enjoying” all the aspects of it because it felt dirty. I had finally started to get to a better place with it when plural came up.. then a whole new phase of feeling like I didn’t have worth because I didn’t think I was “satisfying” enough or “if only I had been more adventurous” he wouldn’t need another wife. I let Satan feed me lies and I struggled with resentment towards my husband for desiring more when I had given him the “precious gift” of my virginity and knowing he could now have other wives and sleep with them. I had a hard time with God through it too.

It’s been a journey that’s for sure. I still have moments where I struggle and wish I had learned a different mindset earlier in life. It would have saved so many tears.

Satan will use any thing he can to bring guilt- even in areas he has no business planting that seed.
Click to expand...


Wow! This must be a common tactic the enemy uses because I feel as if I wrote it!
 
Foxlily said:
I'm not really sure what I was taught or when but seemed to rather glean that I wasn't supposed to have sex before marriage. Other things of my childhood messed me up. I had this war between withholding and just giving away as was happening more and more. But at the same time I was such a tom boy that there really wasn't any guys interested in me. Yikes I was awkward. So I had some teaching but no real understanding. Because of this well, I was pretty much a virgin physically only. When I was 12 or 13 I prayed God provide me the man I was supposed to marry. Well, Romance novels.. and two boyfriends later.. rockfox shows up. Irresistible.. I was hopeless. Unfortunately, also half ruined. Ultimately, I knew nothing of purity and was never really taught what marriage is or what it means.. just some kind of surface idea with no meat. That made it very hard for me to submit when we reached that hump where the gleam of new love and romance wore off and all the flaws began to show raw and true.

I guess what i'm trying to muddle through is that even from the other side of purity you can get messed up and some how I pray conversations like this can help us to find the middle ground to teach our children to be better and prayerfully have a somewhat easier time or at least better understanding of a proper relationship. For me especially to help teach my daughters.

So thank you for starting this thread @Cool Wifey Jones :)
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I understand tomboy and awkward!
I could wish that horse training was better prep for time and household management too!
I think there is a reason the older women are to teach the youngers certain things, and they aren't things that the young folk are typically learning.

There is a quote I remember from 4thefamily.us ...but that wasn't the source
"It is not beauty but fine qualities my dear that keep a husband"

I put my worst foot forward at times early in getting to know my hubby without even knowing I did, because I had no idea what he was looking for.
And there have been times I thought e kinda got a bad deal too! But honestly, he could have done a lot worse too....at least I want to do right. Now achieving the want is a work in progress.

Thanks for sharing ladies. Real is real.
 
Great topic! I was raised you are dirty and wrong/ boarderlime evil if you do anything more than hold hands. After getting pressured into things when I was 12 by a 16 year old boy I told my grandma (she raised me) I remember she cried, uncontrollably. And she never cried. She was a rock. A single mother raising her grandchildren, unmoveable. And she crumbled. She told me that I was tarnished and that I had a lot of work to do. She looked at me so different from then on.
That really ruined me. I got to the point where I just didn’t even care anymore. I was lost and didn’t even know it. I never understood how it could be so wrong until I got into a loving relationship. My husband taught me why it’s such a sacred thing. I was in my late 20’s when I figured it all out. I am hoping that as our children grow and we teach them what an amazing thing it is when it’s with the right one they will not have to go through everything I did. Time will tell. So far so good.
 
Well loved wife said:
It’s a pit for sure. I grew up being told sex was gross and dirty. Boys will use you, don’t trust them, they’ll get what they want then leave you for the next hot thing...
I guess we have to empty that bucket out and put in what is true.
I tell my kids it’s an amazing thing to experience with your husband. It’s made for a time (marriage) and a place, there will be seasons in that realm as there are in most of life.
Click to expand...

I stumbled upon this TEDX talk that I thought was really good. Be mindful that it is not faith-based and refers to some situations that most of us would reject, but the core information is good. Not too long, so easy to take a few minutes and watch. Thoughts?
 
Robhar said:
I stumbled upon this TEDX talk that I thought was really good. Be mindful that it is not faith-based and refers to some situations that most of us would reject, but the core information is good. Not too long, so easy to take a few minutes and watch. Thoughts?
Click to expand...

Thank you for sharing this! I found myself nodding in agreement with almost everything she said! We are bombarded by what the culture and world says about sex, and it is almost a completely nonexistent conversation in the church/Christian home. That's why in my OP I said we may need to change the message we are sending to our daughters and even sons.
 
Robhar said:
I stumbled upon this TEDX talk that I thought was really good. Be mindful that it is not faith-based and refers to some situations that most of us would reject, but the core information is good. Not too long, so easy to take a few minutes and watch. Thoughts?
Click to expand...
It’s very true- society is stuck somewhere between pornography and purity.
On another note, it’s interesting that in the beginning the woman’s desire is to be towards her husband and then in the NT it says
‘There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband’. 1Chor 7:34
I don’t know about you ladies, but it’s exciting to know we have that freedom. There’s a lot here.... and what’s with virginity- is it for God, for the man or for the woman? Or is it another trinity thing hiding in plain sight? We’re taught virginity is our gift to the man, but is it more of an outward sign for the man, so he knows she’s been holy? Simple as that? Have we turned it into Something it wasn’t intended and some get a self righteous air about them and some feel condemned because they weren’t a virgin at marriage?
 
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