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Question in earnest for first wives....

B

beccablue

New Member
I have been giving this a great deal of thought and wondered what you other first wives have thought about this or if you haven't, ponder it and reply.

If by twist of fate your husband passed away and you now found yourselves single, would you yourself consider entering a plural marriage as a second, third, etc. wife? That is to say, if the tables were turned and you were not first wife, would you still desire to live in a plural marriage.

I have been giving this a lot of thought since it is something I felt was an honest thing to assess of myself before I asked it of a potential to join our family. That, and honestly, do I strongly believe in plural marriage enough to accept it for myself when I wasn't the "one there first".

I have mixed feelings right now. My core belief has not changed, but I toggle around with various feelings on this issue but for many different reasons (none of which have to do with not being a first wife anymore, by the way).

I'll answer my own question later, but first I am curious to see what others have thought on this topic or if you have even ever had it cross your minds. I tend to be a person concerned with "fairness" and "justice" so this is something that has naturally come to my mind. At first it was not much of a struggle, but it has become one for me recently.

Thoughts?

~Becca
 
Very interesting question, and one I had never thought about. I am a first wife (obviously, because I'm responding!).

When I did give thought to my husband passing away, I focused more on how the family (both wives and their children) would stay intact. I guess I would consider re-marriage, but I never really thought about whether it would be as a second or third wife. I hope that I would be willing to hear the Lord's will and do it no matter what.

As I have thought about this situation, I realize that it would definitely be a huge adjustment, and would take me out of my comfort zone.

Thanks for asking!
 
I have also pondered this question from different points of view.

Please note: I am answering as a first wife who already accepts polygyny. It might be different if I was answering it as a widow who is just learning of polygyny.

If I became a widow, I think I would wrap myself up in a polygyny community just like this one here at B. Families. I would seek a strong, and loving family to join. An established family structure is what I would want to be in for the sake of my children. I would not be looking for romance. I would be looking for love from many different angles. I would be looking for the love, strength and support of a husband for me and father for my children; the love, kindness, and friendship of a sisterwife for me and a Godmother for my children; and the beauty, companionship and friendship of other children as they bond with my children. I just think that this family structure is beautiful. It comes with it's share of challenges, ups and downs....just like monogamy. But for some reason....it really captures my heart like no other union of people. For such a union to exist and thrive...there has to be a great measure of love to cancel out selfishness and overcome jealousy. Everyone must give of themselves in order for it to live and grow. I would actively seek this, instead of looking to be someone else's 1st wife again. I think I would only become someone else's 1st wife again, if God specifically called me to be. Otherwise, my first preference would be to join another family.
 
I am a second wife, so I won't answer the question asked but I will mention that T and I have often wondered if we would be together in the event of hubby's death. We wondered if we would go forward and stay together even to the extent of marrying the same man in the future. We never came to a conclusion, but I have to say the idea of T being anything but the 1st wife never crossed my mind. I don't think it crossed hers either. (Note to self: discuss this one with T.)

SweetLissa
 
Very good question, Becca. That's not anything I've ever considered before, and I haven't seen any question like this one posted. I think for many former firsts, it wouldn't be such a big deal. I think re-arranging their family would be more difficult. Also, consider if the woman is in her fifties with a handful of children. How many good men could she be compatible with? How would she interact with the other wife? How would the children get along and adjust?

It would be a very difficult situation, but I don't think pride is the biggest factor.
 
This is a very good question. I think the other responders have actually said everything I would say, but I have to add that if I were to be a widow, I don't know that I would even think about remarriage. I would make sure that D and I and all the kids stayed a family, but whether or not I would remarry and to whom I would marry would be left up to God. If he sent me someone who I felt was as good a man as my current hubby, then yes, I would marry him whether I was the first, second, third, ect wife. But if I never met another man that I felt I was supposed to marry, then I would be fine single. It wouldn't have to do with whether what number wife I was.

Lindsay
 
I am not a first wife....

But me and Maggi have already decided that we are a package deal. If something happens to Christopher, we go together if we ever decided to marry again.
 
My family has spent so many years fighting to stay together against the pressures of present day society and the pressures within ourselves that mess God's plan up that I find it very interesting to think about what to do in case of my husbands death. I personnaly don't see myself getting remarried but if God brought it to me that would obviously be what I would do. I don't have the desire for the "packaged deal" with N but I do believe we will always be in each others lives and each others children's lives. The new hubby would certainly have to understand that, as I suspect he would. I find it very comforting that I now have so many wonderful families to go to for advice and support in the event that Nathan does die unexpectedly. I personnally think that is pretty amazing. God is so faithful in providing what his children need.

Great question, Becca!

Hope for the future,
Julieb
 
Because of the size of the family my husband and I had before the second wife came along, I think it would be nearly impossible for us to stay together. I would likely move out of state to be with my family who could help me, and she would likely move out on her own or back to her own family. I know that I could not live on my own without my husband's support, and it would take an awful lot to support our family financially, which she couldn't do on her own. Perhaps if we worked together we could come up with something, but at this point, that's unlikely. Perhaps in the future it would be more feasible, but not at this point. It's not something we've fully discussed though, these are just my thoughts on the issue.
 
This is an interesting question. I'm new to this arrangement and we still aren't living it out in full just yet so I suppose my feelings could change. At the moment, being new to this "first wife" stuff nd still wrestling, I can't imagine ever wanting to do this again. My husband has asked that she and I take care of each other if something happens to him and I can't imagine moving on in my life without her or her children in some form, but I doubt I'd want to share a man again with her or anyone else. Guess there's still some selfishness to deal with in my heart. ;)
 
Actually Rebecca my husband and I did discuss this on one occasion. I feel strongly that if, heaven forbid, something did happen to my husband someday my immediate reaction would be to join an existing family, preferably one I already know from BF. I am sure it would be difficult to adjust from having a first wife thought process to one of a 2nd or 3rd, but I do believe that plural marriage is what God has chosen for me and my life, and I don't think it would matter if it was as a 1st, 2nd, 3rd wife or whatever. The important thing to me would be being in a family with much love and caring. The nice thing would be, I have already met several wonderful families that I think would be happy to have me in their lives. It is nice to know that if something were to happen to Chris, I may have a million worries but the last thing I would worry about would be being a lonely, single woman.
Kacy
 
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