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Right or wrong??

pinkjms

pinkjms

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Female
I met someone online who told me up front that he was married and he was looking for a 2nd wife. I’m new to all of this so I just took in all he was saying. This has been going on for a few months. We have never met it’s all been online and over the phone.

So as we’ve been chatting for hours sometimes he told me he wanted to introduce me to his wife. He said she knew about me. When we’ve (all three of us) been chatting online and video together she doesn’t seem to be very interested in anything I have to say. It feels really hard to have a conversation with her. I told him my feelings and he says it’s nothing to worry about.

My worry is I’m having stronger feelings for him but it’s still really tense when me and his wife talk. I don’t want to get into something that I may regret later. I’ve been praying about this I just need clear understanding.
 
This is a very common issue with a new polygynous household. It is a rite of passage for all involved. I would caution you strongly not to rush it or to allow it to be rushed. If she never comes around, it will either break up the home or be hell on earth. What you are describing is a clear indication that one or both of them have some major growth to do in the future that they may not even know is coming. It will either make them stellar people or it will break them or they will find a new level of a very dissatisfied normal. You cant come face to face with Poly and come away unchanged.

Either way, you don’t wanna be their catalyst. It’s a no win situation for you. Be friendly and open and continue conversations, but guard your heart and emotions and watch for red flags. Especially when/if she “comes around”. There is a level of acceptance for poly that is theoretical, but at that level it can never be lived successfully, and after that comes a gradual transformation of the heart and mind that makes it possible to be able to step out in faith and work thru this in reality.
 
I 2nd what verify76 is saying. I personally know someone that is forcing Polly on his reluctant wife and right now it is destroying their marriage. I've admonished him to do what I have done with my wife, but I guess he wants the fast way instead of the slow way, as he puts it my way or the highway which is sad.
 
I met someone years ago who seriously considered being my Hubby's second.
I met her online, and as she was a writer we were able to get to know each other and connect via the written word. Eventually we talked on the phone, then she talked to hubby on the phone, and finally she flew out and stayed for a few weeks meeting us and the children and seeing what our real life is like.

As a first wife I have always been very positive about having a sisterwife. The first question that the above mentioned woman asked me was if our children knew about our beliefs and interest in having a two (or more) wife family. I told her truthfully they all knew, and that the first question they have whenever I tell them about some single gal I meet online was "Is she real?" Because I had met many over the years (10 years at that point) and had learned from both experience and observation that a fair number of people presenting themselves as single and interested in being a plural wife are lying about something.....if not everything.
As one gal used to say illustrating the point. "I could be a 65 year old man from Argentina with a hairy chest."
.....so fairy tales abound, especially on poly sites.
The woman I met online was real, honest and we all hoped she would be part of our family....but she decided her immediate family would never be OK with her choosing that life, and chose not to alienate them. Six years after breaking things off with us she married a single guy. I'm happy for her....and hope he proves to be a good man.

The advice above is good. Take time and trust your instincts. There are too many stories of love gone wrong...mono and poly. "First wife freak out" happens a lot when what they imagined poly might be collides in real time and space with a different from what was imagined reality.
Even a wife who thinks she is on board can be mistaken when it gets real.

The saying we like here holds true in life and relationships. "Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of experience comes from bad judgement."

Prove all things (and especially potential life partners!) and hold fast to that which is good.
 
Joleneakamama said:
Is she real?" Because I had met many over the years (10 years at that point) and had learned from both experience and observation that a fair number of people presenting themselves as single and interested in being a plural wife are lying about something.....if not everything.
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That is a good point. There was a lady we meet then reconnected with on the internet. Phone calls meet ups. She claimed she was interested in poly. It turns out she wasn't. She wanted to steal me from my wife. Thats a common thing. This has been my experience. Many women beleive that Poly affirming God beleiving men are family centered and want children and to live in a Godfearing manner with the love of Yeshua giving us confidence, most of us are. They aren't looking to be a plural wife but want a God beleiving man who is family centered and wants children and to live in a Godfearing manner with the love of Yeshua giving him confidence. So, just because a woman is into man and wants a family, doesn't mean she's into the family he already has. Thats why we men must use discernment. Be just (not fair) in our actions. I personal won't even consider a woman unless she has a relationship with my wife and kids. The good thing about that is even if I don't pursue a wife my wife has a sister to talk to an my kids an Aunt to love them.
 
I third what veritasverify76 stated. Be wise. Be cautious. But more than anything, be Loving. From our experience, if she is not at least attempting to be your BEST friend than you need to be very cautious. Your gut feelings are telling you something. Make sure you are listening carefully. All the advice you have gotten here is great. It was wise on your part to post here for advise. It allows you to step back and look through other objective "eyesight." Too many times we look through our feelings or emotions instead of logic and reason. Our heart can be deceiving. (Jeremiah 17:9 and Proverbs 4:23) Though there is more involved than merely a connection of the mind, each of us needs to use critical thinking skills (not criticism) at first in any relationship before we invest our hearts and spirits. Spiritually you need to weigh the cost of investing. Is there a good return or am I sinking money in an unproductive venture. Many times I have seen individuals invest their soul, heart, then mind and end up with loss. It has been my experience and the experience of many I have communed with on the subject of polygny (over 30 years), that most of the mistakes occur because we do not engage our minds first. When someone brushes off real concerns that you have, that should be a red flag. Maybe the reason my wife and I have never found a 2nd wife is because we are not actively looking for a wife; we are productively seeking a sister that desires to be a wife. We are not looking for a "second wife" either, but to be a wife with my wife, if that makes sense. I am always attentive to the possibility or opportunity, but I stay aware to keep my mind fully engaged. As I've said, "God gave us two eyes, two ears, and one mouth for a divine purpose." And there is a reason why most of the senses are found real close to the brain. Yes, and why our small brains are farther away. When I speak of activity versus productivity, one must first understand the differences in the individual words. To be active, is to be "engaged in action; in a state of existence, progress, or motion." On the other hand, productive means: "having the power to produce, generate, fertile, or create." Activity means to be active in some thing without regard to if it is right. Productivity means more on the line of being fully engaged, mind, body, and spirit in a right thing or things first and then in an efficient way. Okay, ffiinnaallyy my point: When the Word is living in us and it is our filter, then to just be active is not sufficient. We as Believers desire to be productive in all and for all, and polygyny is included. i.e. Loving, growing, nurturing, beneficial, etc. For me, and from the information you have presented, the gentleman seems merely active (immature) in polygyny, his present wife seems not even active, and you are seeing or having questions about whether or not that productivity (maturity) can come of this. Be very cautious; and again, only you can decide by using critical thinking and then keep your emotions or feelings out of it . . . for now. I pray this helps.
 
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pinkjms said:
My worry is I’m having stronger feelings for him but it’s still really tense when me and his wife talk. I don’t want to get into something that I may regret later. I’ve been praying about this I just need clear understanding.
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It could simply be a matter of personality. Some people are socially awkward or slow to open up. A lot easier to tell what's going on in person.
 
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