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Sabotage

lalacookie

lalacookie

New Member
I am going crazy! I thought I posted something last night when I was in the midst of my selfish pride overtaking my body and making me spew forth a litany of reasons my DH and almost to be SW ( wedding is tomorrow) couldn't go out on a date. I don't know how to stop myself or my mouth. I love them both dearly and want them to have a successful marriage like mine. We hqve been married for 13 years (on the 5th). She and her girls came to live with us this week. I am so happy but I keep messing up and letting pride rule my life.

How do I stop sabotaging their time together? Help me please! Any and all suggestions!
 
Hi there.

I have no experience here (first and only wife at the moment!) so I can't really offer any advice aside from pray, which I suppose is the best thing you can do really.
I just wanted to give you virtual hugs and well done's for wanting to work on an issue you are struggling with, and that you even see it as an issue! Go you!

And yay for having a SW (well tomorrow lol )! That s a wonderful thing, congratulations!

Eternitee will come on here and say something awesome. She always says the best stuff. There's wisdom in experience!

Anyway, good luck for the future. Feel free to post more on here about how you're feeling, a lot of women will completely understand how rough it can be. There's a private woman's section too if you want to open up more but it's a lot quieter than here.
 
FollowingHim2 said:
Eternitee will come on here and say something awesome. She always says the best stuff. There's wisdom in experience!
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eeekkk..the pressure! :o


OK here goes:

1) You are going crazy. Yes you are. Go with the flow. Experience the crazy to the max and explore what is making you crazy, why it is making you crazy, what steps do you think you can take that would make you feel better. What can you learn from the situation? how can you grow? How much of this can you turn over to God and let him handle that the outcome will be the right one?

2) Litany of reasons they could not go on a date: OK understandable. Why? What was the worst thing that was going to happen? was it that you would be alone? was it that they would be alone and you would not know what was going on? was it that you felt it was the wrong timing or that you were being slighted? Go back into the moment and really feel the feelings again and try to get to the bottom of them. I might be able to help more if you can articulate what the precise fear that was being triggered looks like to you.

3) I love them both dearly and want them to have a successful marriage like mine: I know that. You know that. More importantly they know that. Make sure you keep telling them :) Especially when from their point of view it does not appear that way.

4) I keep messing up: Yes. Get used to it. Good news is he is going to mess up a whole lot more (guaranteed- he is the dude, they get to make AT LEAST twice as many mistakes before you guys will figure out your groove). She is going to mess up too. Make sure you forgive them as quickly and easily as you would want to be forgiven. You are about to enter a cycle of screw up/fix the situation/screw up/fix the situation. Sometimes it won't be fixable because the three of you are having different conversations. Just think how great you are going to become at communicating in the next few months?

5) How do I stop sabotaging their time together? I think step one is to figure out what you are afraid of. Speak it out loud. Tell God about it and how it looks at its most extreme and scary point. I think if you can deal with the fear then you will no longer feel the need to sabotage. However it might take a while and repeated exposure to the fear without anything bad happening to get to the bottom of the fear and make it go away. In the meantime, can you tell us what you do and exactly how you are sabotaging? Maybe there are things you can do differently to help you control it.
 
Tiffany would also be a good resource for you. She had different issues than I did and she will definitely have a different perspective that will be helpful.

Just out of curiosity how isolated are you guys? does the new SW have anyone she can turn to when the going gets tough? Are her family aware of your family structure and if so are they supportive? I am aware of poly families that have done this completely on their own without any support from other poly families for years, but they have to learn every single step the hard, painful way without realizing that much of what they go through is actually normal. The painful part can go a lot quicker and a lot less painfully when other poly folk explain all the ins and outs and pitfalls to you ahead of time. It is not that our way is better or worse. Maybe something that did not work for us can be tweaked into something you can use, but you can at least avoid having it blow up in your face in the same manner that we did and make your own spectacular mistakes instead :)
 
lol...and most important thing I forgot to say.

Congratulations for tomorrow (or is it today now?) Hope the day is Blessed, beautiful, drama free, memorable and special for all of you :)
 
Thank you so much eternitee!

I appreciate you taking the time to answer each of my questions and help me take a deeper look into my fears. Sorry I did not respond more quickly, yesterday was a very big day. :D

Looking back at that evening I can tell you that the fear of being alone is probably one that ranks at the top of my list. My husband and I have no children so he has been my constant companion for 13 years. We did everything together and so the adjustment of having 2 little ones and a SW has been a big one for me. So when they were leaving, I was left alone to feed the girls, put them to sleep, water our gardens, etc......after working 12 hours and having to get up the next morning at 2:30am! Poor me! That is what my head was telling me, at least. I let my head keep doing the talking instead of stopping, getting on my knees, and surrendering it to God.

Easy, right?! NO! I love that you said repeat the exposure. Well, yesterday was a huge exposure of my fear of being left alone and being told thanks for the years but I found a better wife who has provided me with children. I prayed all day long and worshiped God all day long at work the previous day and filled my heart with His love, compassion, humility, and grace. I helped my SW get ready for her wedding day. I told her that I would make her day exactly what she wanted. Her first marriage was at a young age to a man who was not a Godly leader and all she did was go in front of a judge with nothing else. This was a celebration and I wanted to charge at my fears wrapped in the love and obedience of my Savior.

It was a wonderful day and I am so happy. My life is complete. I know there will be struggles. My DH and I fortunately went to the retreat in Idaho so we have a good network of other plural families. I have several wives in which I can turn to for help. Most importantly, I have grown to know that my biggest admirer is my Savior. That makes all the rest dessert!
 
You're welcome.

If I might help you re-write a few things in your head?

lalacookie said:
He has been my constant companion for 13 years
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He has been my constant companion and I FINALLY got an evening to do whatever the heck I wanted to. The remote control was MINE.....ALL MINE....and shhh don't tell, but I watched the show he always turns off!

lalacookie said:
I was left alone to feed the girls, put them to sleep, water our gardens, etc......
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It was great. I was left all alone with the girls, so we could have some one on one bonding time. We got to have some really fun girly time. I wish we had prepared better ahead of time so that we could have done (fill in the blank) which is one of my favorite childhood memories, but they have never/rarely get to do with their Mom.

lalacookie said:
Well, yesterday was a huge exposure of my fear of being left alone and being told thanks for the years but I found a better wife who has provided me with children
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You are right. She has given him kids and they are going to keep him on his toes spiritually, energetically, emotionally - he is in for a roller coaster ride of highs and lows. She is the new shiny thing on the block and you are just the person he kinda knows already and really a little bit boring by comparison.

But wait...there's more.

You are also a better wife. You have been with him for 13 years. You know his likes/dislikes/fears/faults and yet you still love him. You know what kind of clothes he likes to wear and more importantly why. You aren't going to make the mistake of buying his pet peeve worst food in the universe like she will. There is a comfort and a stability that you provide that she cannot. He knows you and he knows how you will react to things - with her there are still a lot of question marks until they can really establish their own "ground rules". He can rest in the comfort of your relationship and its predictability. He can rest in you.

I am a second wife and TRUST ME on this. For all your list of reasons why you can never compete with the things she has to offer, she has an equally long list of things of why she cannot compete with you. Don't try to compete with her. She will always be the most perfect "her" and you will always be the most perfect YOU that God has ever made. If you try to be her, you will fail miserably. If she tries to be you, then she will fail miserably.

(we need to give her a name, even if it is a made up one - lalabrownie? - but I am open to suggestions)

Here is the thing - if you were identical human beings there really would be no point in having a 2nd wife. The truth is you BOTH bring something to the table positive and negative. The things you do to annoy him - and have probably done for the last 13 years - are probably not things she does. Similarly there are going to be days where he is scratching his head wondering why on earth she or any other sane person would do the annoying things she does in life.

Here is one definite plus - the things he does that are annoying and he keeps doing because he sees nothing wrong with his behavior - when there are 2 of you saying the same thing, he will re-evaluate whether it is a good idea to continue. Of course you will then feel that the only reason he changed was for her and for 13 years he refused to change for you. He will then be confused because he is finally doing what you have always wanted, and yet for some strange reason you are acting all upset! lol....you're gonna have to develop a sense of humor, because it really is quite funny.

lalacookie said:
I know there will be struggles
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Yup. Life is a journey and if it was all done from the comfort of an air conditioned carriage with onboard entertainment provided then we would miss so much of the adventure. Just remember in the heat of the moment, the "I cannot do this", the "why are we doing this to ourselves" that you will all come through to the other side and you will be stronger, healthier, more spiritually mature people for it. It will be worth it :)

lalacookie said:
My DH and I fortunately went to the retreat in Idaho so we have a good network of other plural families. I have several wives in which I can turn to for help
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Very glad to hear it. I am still a little concerned for your sisterwife - who can she turn to when the going gets rough?

Glad you had a wonderful day. Sending you my prayers that you are successful.

My family prayed for you at breakfast this morning. My son wants to know who called their child "Captain Jonathan" , so we had to explain screen names to him :)
 
I love the name for her, lalabrownie!

Unfortunately my SW does not have anyone in her life to really turn to, most of her family is not accepting of her call to living in a biblical marriage or have left this world. She had a very rough going for a long time and was left without many people. I know she has a screen name here but she has not posted at this time. I would love for some of my fellow sister wives to reach out to her (I will ask her if she feels comfortable sharing that info).

Today there is so much love in our home, and I am grateful for it. It feels almost "too natural" in such a short period of time.

Laura
 
Hi all, thank you so much for this post lalacookie. I would love to talk sometime. DH is recently engaged to #2 and I am struggling with a lot of the same issues. I hate when I let my prideful feelings and fears get the best of me and cause issues. Wouldn't it be so nice if we could turn that threatened, jealous crappy feeling off sometime? ;)
 
It wasn't what I wanted to post because I hate dealing with my issues. I can get the plank out of everyone else's eyes, but never touch the splinter (or in my case a huge redwood tree) in my own eye.

It has been rough the past several days when DH spends time alone with SW. I discussed with DH today about my feelings. I am so scared of doing the wrong thing that my trying harder is making things worse which is making me doing more wrong things. It is a vicious cycle that I just want to stop. :( :( :(

Laura
 
I am going to say that I agree with Eternitee on everything she has had to say. She is truly awesome. :)

As little girls we are taught through church, our homes, and TV that marriage is mono and we should live happily ever after :) We are also taught to be jealous and prideful when it comes to "Our Man", our husbands should love only us and no one else. If he is a good Godly man and is living PM the way God intended, husbands can love more than one woman at a time and show them that each one of them are special to him in his own way.

Dealing with the emotions are normal reaction. Who, what, when, where, why, and how with those emotions depends on you and how you plan to deal with it. I had a very rough start in accepting my SW and I did not deal with my emotions in a very Godly way but with much prayer I am dealing a lot better and with love. Something I have done for myself when I am having a rough day is I write in my journal. I write my feelings whether my negative thoughts or my positive thoughts. I even write very specific, (who, what, when, where, why and how) about those feelings. Previously I would tell DH about them but come to realize he did not need to know everything that was going on and I have to face my own issues to get through it.

LaLaCookie you mentioned its been a rough couple of days when DH spends time with SW. When DH and SW spend time together I do something I love doing, such as, I go to the gym or shopping. I also take that time and make memories with my daughters by doing things they love to do. I reccomend you take her girls out and make memories with them. You also might want to try and spend time alone with your new SW. When you bond with her and/or her girls things seem to come together better and easier. You communicating with your sister wife is more important than you communicating with your DH, in my opinion, because you and her can help him keep things balanced, hehe :lol: , even without him knowing. I love my alone time with my SW, it gives us the opporeunity to work on what each of us need from each other, from DH and from the family. When SW expresses to me her feelings or need of something, that gives myself the opporeunity to show her how much I love her as I can make sure her need or feelings are being met.

Something else you need to try and remember they are still in the "NRE"(new relationship energy) stage of their relationship. NRE can be rough to watch, when the person you are madly in love with is also madly in love with someone else. A good note about NRE is it don't last forever. ;)

Don't be scared of messing up. Stop trying to make things happen, let them just happen. I know easier said then done, I am a very impatient person so I have had a hard time just letting things happen and just be. PM is something that takes time, work and a lot of love from everyone involved to make it work. You will have your up days and your down days, when you have a down day try and do your best and remember the love that fills your home. We make life what we want it to be. We have to choose to be happy no matter the issue is.

You are more than welcome to PM me anytime you want. I have a few personal experiences that might help you.
 
Y'all are amazing in your support for each other...Laura the compassion you have for your SW (the way you speak of her and her hardships) amazes me that speaks volumes about your character to think of her even while you are hurting..I would love to hear how things are now....and eternitee you have some amazing wisdom to pass on keep it coming
 
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