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Things YOU look for in a potential?

L

Love

Member
I would like to marry someone who shares my faith, treats my children well, has a biblical worldview, is easy to be with, has a big heart, loves God, is not critical of others, uses self control, is strong, is my intellectual equal, is loving, chemistry would be nice...ok, that's all I could think of off the top of my head. I think this is an excellent question.

-Love
 
My first and main desire in a SW is that she has true, unconditional love for our husband. I want her to love him as much (or more) than I do, I want her to respect him as the man of the house and just cherish him...he is my life. As for me, I hope her to be someone that likes to laugh, is stylish but not materialistic, likes to learn, can cook exceptionally well, has a deep desire to wash dishes ( :lol: ) and love to do things with the family. I don't have any children so if she has one or two, that is okay but I pray she would want to have some with our husband. I want my SW to be my best friend, my biggest supporter and my critic when needed. I am not one to judge one on looks, but personality is important to me. I would hope she would like to study the Bible with me, go for long, conversational walks with me...I would want her to be a sister in every sense of the word. I know she is out there somewhere and I hope she knows I already love her with my heart. :D
 
Well, we are not really looking anymore at this point, but rather have chosen to just sit back and wait. We figure if it is truly God's will for our family, then He will bring the right lady to us.

However, that being said, we do have "standards" that we follow. Some of them are rather personal so I will not get into them here, but the general ones include age, children, location/willingness to relocate, etc.

We will generally not consider any lady under the age of 25 given our ages and the maturity differences that we just are unwilling to deal with after a go round with a previous potential. There is only one exception to this and this particular person is a very dear friend who is not yet considering plural marriage, though she knows if she chose to come to us we would accept her into our family. Secondly, we are willing to consider a lady with young children (a few, not a dozen) but only if the biological father is deceased or has been absent completely including not paying child support or seeking any visitation whatsoever for over a year or more. If there is any biological father involved in any way, we will not take the risk to any of us. Said lady must be a believer but we prefer more moderate in her practice. That is to say, if she is head covering and dresses only type of girl, she will not fit in with our family as we are more temperate in our approach and the girls wear pants and we do not cover and are fine with makeup and jewelery, etc. By the same token, we do not want some high maintenance princess either as that is just not our style. We are laid back and simple.

Other issues that will come up include finances, pet ownership (we are willing to consider pets on a case-by-case basis but no big dogs and not a bunch of animals either as I do not like them and find them messy and gross), living in the same home (paying for two homes is a silly waste of money to us and divides husband's time by more than half to each of us never mind the importance of his presence for the children), and dietary issues even (a vegetarian would not fare well long-term in our home, lol).

Yes, we probably are rather picky. However, I believe if it is truly meant for us to enter a plural marriage then God will send the perfect lady for us into our lives and we need not worry about the details. ;) We will just wait on Him and trust in His goodness and mercy.

Becca
 
Loved reading the responses! I don't think too too much into this because the main thing is chemistry/connection between all the members (kids included) and if it's something we know could work out. Sometimes the small stuff can seriously get in the way of something that could be absolutely wonderful (things like pets) and the opportunity to expand a family could be loss. Some things that I have highly considered, but not set in stone, is living situation, kids, money, etc. As far as the living situation goes, I definitely think that I would do better in a situation where my family and I all lived in the same house with two master bedrooms (a girl needs her own bathroom!) and enough room where the wives weren't stepping on each other toes. When it comes to children, I don't know if it would be easy, being that I'm only 20, being with a family that has say a 16 or 17 year old just because thats a little weird. But I love kids, and so that isn't an issue for me. I know I want kids (and already have 2 dogs that I consider my kids and would never ever get rid of them) but I don't necessarily want 1 or 10, maybe 2-3. I also know that I am going to school so that I can have a career as a veterinarian and that is by far my biggest goal in life is to travel and help shelters that can't afford a vet, or help families that cannot afford a vet. This doesn't mean I don't want a family, because I do, but I have my own personal things just as everybody should. I would, however, want to stay home with my kids at least until they are 3 years old. So for money, I would be contributing greatly to the family income, but don't want that pressure to have to work or to have to be a stay at home mom. I think equality is by far the most important aspect of life I am looking for. I don't want to be a 3rd wheel, or a door mat. And I also want a forever commitment, not a week long one. Ok, I'm done! Love S
 
Oh and a family that doesn't mind my vegetarianism, I don't care what others eat. It's just a very personal decision that I've been doing for the past 6 years! (Sorry Becca, just thought that was funny!)
 
I believe that if I were looking for another wife at this time, I would want a close loving connection. I don't care about anything physical, I simply want someone that loves me, my hubby and that I love back. I can adjust menus, lifestyle and about anything else, to accommodate a person that is my deepest friend. All that stuff is just gravy. If God gives me a friend that I can rely on through the darkest night I will make any adjustment necessary.

SweetLissa
 
Ah well you know, go rounds have been had by us and it makes us realize things that are "small" that should not be an issue, turn out to be bigger issues than I could have imagined. I rather just fall in love and see where it goes but often it seems real life kicks in and little things end up mattering. I do not personally have a problem with vegetarianism but one girl we talked to was militant about it and I am *not* giving up meat for a sisterwife just as I would not expect a sisterwife to eat meat if that was her preference. But having it shoved down my throat, no way. So, if there was tolerance on both sides that would be fine, but somebody expecting us to give up meat as a family (yes, she was serious) then she clearly is not a match.

As for the pet issue... you would think it would be a small issue but one potential this past summer came to our home with two very large Great Danes who were not well trained and they slobbered everywhere and the whole backyard smelled like dog poo to where my kids could not play out there. Considering I tolerate pets but do not adore them to start with, this was a huge stressor for me. I suppose if she had actually taken better care of the animals and cleaned up after them I would have felt differently, but she did not and the constant dog hair, dog slobber, and dog smell ended up making me sick. So, now I am VERY nervous about the pet issue because how do I know that said person will really care for their animals and not expect everyone else to clean up after them like she did. Ick.

The age thing was one reason we set the 25 and up preference.... hard for a younger girl to get a good footing as a "mom" role with teenagers and that is what we have the most of now. It is not fair to the young lady or to my kids to try and be a mom figure when the ages are so close they are really peers. LOL.

I know, I am picky... but after the time we have gone through, all in all, sometimes you have to know which things are important enough "little" things to start with before they become big things. They can all be worked around, but going into knowing what bothers you and what is important helps sort things out and evaluate more clearly. I think it is good to just be realistic... what things will you compromise on and what things are "deal breakers". Despite the cliche, love is NOT blind. LOL.

I agree though, chemistry is important and if it is not there, it won't work. Potential #2 and hubby had no chemistry and it was a disaster. She wanted instant love and romance but there was no spark and she wanted him to conjure one up, which of course made him feel even less that she demanded feelings that take time instantly. *sigh* Sometimes, I think maybe this is all for the birds and can't work for us. So, we stepped back and figure if it is meant to be then God will work it out. My hands are definitely out of the pot. LOL.

Becca
 
By the way, just to point this out... the topic is what things "you" (the woman since this is a ladies forum) look for in a potential. I don't think it makes me a bad person to be honest. Obviously chemistry is important, but if hubby and her do not have chemistry then what I am concerned about won't matter anyway since it will dead end right there. Sometimes I think in this community that people have a tendency to treat it as a business transaction devoid of human emotions and preferences and those preferences can quickly lead to big problems. Stating them up front is only to your benefit since I am of the belief that none of us, husbands, wives, and potentials, should sacrifice things that are important to them and if two people have conflicting preferences then somebody is giving something up and that is not really fair to either side. We are not talking stupid issues like which way the toilet paper should face or how to sort laundry, we are talking everyday issues that cause conflict.

For us, that includes age and pets and could very well include dietary issues. I do not eat pork because I do not like it (not religious reasons at all) but hubby loves pork everything. He does not mind that I don't eat it and I don't care that he does. However, if a lady was absolute that for her religious reasons that no pork should ever be eaten in the home, well, he would refuse to comply and so either he has to give up pork (won't happen) or she has to compromise her standard of no pork in the home. See what I mean? It seems like a small issue but it would fast escalate into a large issue. These past few years I have learned that sometimes things you think won't matter, end up mattering a lot.

Lest you think I am an ogre, we do have pets. LOL. I have a tiny little chihuahua and we have an iguana. My issue is less with pets in general and more with number, size, and does the owner of the pet actually care for it or are they looking for a free ride and servants like potential #2 wanted.

Anyway, just wanted to point out that I tried to be honest and truthful and I guess now you think badly of me, but I would rather be honest than chirp away about plural marriage and accept just anybody and anything that comes our way. We have a great marriage and do not NEED another wife to make us happy... What we are looking for is somebody who compliments our lives and someone we compliment as well. We should be a better person because she is with us and she should be a better person because we are with her... all three parties (or more) should get something out of it, not just an arrangement.
 
I definitely don't think you are a bad person AT ALL! I could see how you would think this. When I read your original reply to this post it just made me laugh that everything you said you wanted was exactly to the T what I had (pets, age, vegetarian) and I was just replying to the post myself keeping those things in mind. To each their own, and if those things are things you don't want in the family, then by no means should you give up those feelings when this is a life long commitment we are talking about. Please don't think I was being confrontational because that wasn't my intention at all!
 
I agree Becca. Bringing a new person into the home surely isn't something to be taken lightly. I have a bit of experience in this area b/c my hubby and I have taken many people into our home to help them in various ways. It was mostly people from our church who were passing through, b/c they were transitioning to a new apartment or just moving into the area....and many other reasons. First impressions and casually hanging out are one thing. But completely different dynamics come into play when you actually have to live with the person. It's not that you weren't seeing their true colors before they moved in.....it's just that you are seeing ALL of their colors after you are in close quarters with them!

I also agree with livenotyesterday. There will always be little details to work out and compromises to be made. Hopefully wonderful marriages will not be tossed out of the window b/c some of these challenges. Polygyny or monogamy...all healthy relationships call for some level of sacrifice and compromise in order for a happy union to exist. With that said....at least let the chemistry be there also! That leads me to ask....what exactly is "chemistry"? Well....I would like someone else's opinion on that one....but I think that "chemistry" is referring to something that happens in the spiritual realm. It's what happens behind the scenes. It's God at work, causing the paths of people to meet, who have complimentary personality types. Divine appointment. No coincidences....but destiny. Meant to be. God's favor and blessings. You know.....all that kind of stuff that makes things flow with enjoyment and ease.

And back to the original question at hand. What do I look for in a potential? I feel that there are too many variables of personality traits, characteristics, etc. that make up a person, to even make such a list. There are only two things that I desire. And I'm gonna take this straight from Jesus:

"Mat 22:37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.
Mat 22:38 This is the first and great commandment.
Mat 22:39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
Mat 22:40 On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets."

If everyone in the home is committed to this....then all other issues are covered. This covers the areas of treating everyone with respect, not being jealous, not holding resentment or bitterness, being forgiving, caring, genuine, and the list can go on. If you love God, you will walk in His ways of love. That love will radiate to all others around you and will leave no room for selfishness.

So I guess that my main requirement is that she be a Christian who takes these verses seriously. Easy Breezy huh?...... ;)

OK....ok...this is still gonna be the most challenging thing of my life....But the closer we are to God....the better that things will be. :D
 
I was answering from my heart about me and my situation. It had nothing to do with your post. You know what will work in your family. I know what I hope will work in my family. No criticism was intended in any way.

SweetLissa
 
Greetings & Blessings Sisters in Christ! :D

It is a blessing to be able to be in America to share the Good News & the Full Gospel message, which includes the Full Gospel message of Biblical Plural Marriage! Which thanks to this site and to all of you lovely ladies in Christ, is the very reason that we here at Biblical Families are able to share this Truth. Which comes with the Awesome opportunity & responsibility to come up along side of one another as Brothers & Sisters in Christ to support, encourage, teach or lead by sharing Godly Balanced nuggets of His Wisdom, Will and Love for our lives! :) This nation of ours & this site may not be perfect, but none the less we here at B.F. and for us who live in the USA, we have Freedoms that other countries long to have! As well as with this community here, we have a group that should prayerfully seek His Will and direction to be the loving, balanced and supportive teaching community that we all desire to be in Christ Jesus!

As a community of believers here and all other areas of our lives, we need to do our best to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit's leading in each of our own individual lives, marriages & the families that Yeshua has blessed us with. And as a community of believers here, it's a lovely freedom that we have, to be able to bring up and prayerfully & lovingly discuss many topics pertaining to pm such as this particular topic. This particular topic is very private and unique to each individual family that Yeshua may call and lead to a biblical pm in their lifetime. Whats important to one family, may not be to another family. That's part of what should make God's community so lovely. As He gifts us all with different colors, shapes, sizes, personalities, ministries or callings. So no two families are alike, nor should be their own personal ideas, hopes, dreams or ideas of what they may find important when seeking a potential sw.

Thanks btw Nikki for your shared insights and nuggets of Godly wisdom that you've shared with us here before & recently. I do enjoy your honest, sweet and transparent heart that you always share any learned wisdom or insights with the rest of us. Thanks also for seeking Godly balanced teachings to encourage us and share with the rest of us. As none of us here support or encourage any form of spouse bashing - weather it's husband or especially wife bashing! Which funny, even with this particular topic if we're all not careful, we can all slip off into harsh judgment's and wife bashing by stating what's important to our own personal search for a sw and then projecting that onto others. Which for the most part thankfully doesn't take place here too often.

Yes we of course need to prayerfully seek Yeshuas will for what He feels is important for each of our own individual families in regard to seeking a sw. As we also need to pray for Godly balanced wisdom in submitting to our dh's in all things, seeking our dh's ideas, hopes, dreams and important factors when seeking a sw. But it's also Ok to allow ourselves to "let our hair down, and have a little fun," to day dream and consider what would make us happy as 1st, 2nd or whatever wife when seeking a potential sw! Nothing that's gonna lead us down a path of evil selfish or rebellious destruction of course, just a little balanced healthy day dreaming - nothing more nothing less. After all, laughter is the best medicine & a Merry heart doeth good for the soul (or something like that)! :lol: Take care all & God be with thee, guide thee & bless us all according to the motives of our hearts.

Warm Wishes,
Faithful Servant
 
Nah, Lissa and Sara... I did not take it as bashing at all but felt bad myself if I offended people by being honest about things that had been an issue in the past. I kind of thought if we had love then everything else would work out but that just doesn't seem to always happen. I wish it was that simple though.

I do agree that faith is important as wifeone pointed out. We are pretty liberal faith-wise and that is what we are hoping for in a future mate. We tend to do nondenominational churches and contemporary worship so a lady who is much more conservative than that would probably feel out of place with us, and us with her. Not that we would not be willing to go to her church and try it, especially if she was willing to go part time to our church as well, but it could well cause problems down the line if she decided to have children with hubby over which faith they would be raised in, etc.

I think I just think of these things more now being that I am older now and made a few trips around the block. But, I don't feel anyone was bashing me or being mean, I just hate feeling like maybe I hurt someone's feelings when that was not my intention at all, I only spoke for myself.

Happy Day!
Becca
 
Hey there Ms.Beccablue,

Good to hear from you, as I do enjoy gleaning new Godly insights and encouragement from your posts here! :) Forgive me for any misunderstanding in my recent post on this topic, as I was not speaking for you or directly to your recent post. I enjoy your shared testimony with your search for a sw, as your shared journey with pm has offered many thought provoking and Godly nuggets of wisdom for the rest of us to learn from and think about. ;) As many of yours and your dh's concerns are very valid and are what makes you the Special family that Yeshua has created you to be.

I realize that I do tend to go off into bouts of rambling, so I pour out my apologies to all here as I don't wish to lecture or bring boredom to the masses! :P As I also don't like to let myself slip off into pride and offend others. Thus my ramblings arise from a heart of concern for all sisters in Christ, as we've all been guilty of slipping off into harsh judgments and wife bashing on different levels at different seasons of our lives - if we're all honest with ourselves here, myself included of course! :? The whole "wife bashing issue," tends to go through different levels here at different times, in regard to many different topics. Which I do know through private discussions, that I'm not the only sister in Christ here who has noticed this or who have been at the brunt of this particular issue. I've been in prayer to seek Yeshua's will for my life in all things, weather it pertains to pm or other issues. As I've kept this group and the families represented here, in prayer for God's best for all of you & for His will to be done in your own individual families that He's blessed you with.

However for the most part, this community of Brothers & Sisters in Christ is a God fearing, God honoring & Loving Community of very Special & Unique individual families of God! :) We all have received many Godly, Good Sound & Stable teachings and encouragement here. But as with all issues of life, we can all slip off into extremes thus making idols of pm or other life issues, and in the process we sometimes unknowingly end up adding to God's Holy Words & Wills or our lives!

So I just felt very strongly convicted to share these thoughts with my sisters in Christ, as a call/challenge to come up along side one another as a community of believers. Coming up along side one another, to offer a hand up of a Loving & Encouraging source of Support in Christ Jesus. Not a hand out of holier than thou condemnation. And as "iron sharpens iron," and is not just limited to the men folk here - we Women of God have the same privilage and responsibility to offer up Sweet, Godly balanced doses of Healthy Conviction by speaking the Truth in Love with one another, while lifting one another in heart felt prayerful support! :)

And yes by all means, lets all open up with one another and share the desires of our hearts in regard to this particular topic! Each of our own individual needs, concerns, desires and dreams are all very Special and important in the family of God to learn from. Or to simply just let our hair down and day dream a little about whats important to us alone. And yes Nikki, it's perfectly Ok and healthy for a girl to dream! Keep on Keepin on with God and your dreams! :)

Warm Wishes for Yeshuas Provisions, Wisdom, Mercies & Love!

Faithful Servant ;)

P.S. I do enjoy this lovely group of women of God represented here, and have learned allot of new Godly insights that has opened my heart to many new joys & challenges! ;)
 
Like Becca, I've often worried that some of my comments made on this forum have been "offensive", because the lack of response or the misunderstanding of the reader. We have to be careful as Sisters in Christ how we respond or not to certain topics. I'm sure all of us on BF have been ridiculed for our practice/belief in pm. I know I didn't come to this site for more ridicule from like-minded Christians or to offend anybody, but as a way (as FS said) 'to let my hair down' and learn as much about pm as possible. I have no friends or family who practice/belief in pm, so I come to this site for love and support. I didn't come here to say, "I know all the answers, I can outwit anyone here, etc." I challenge all of us to not be so picky when it comes to words or, better yet, if you don't know how to take what someone is saying ask, "Could you please clarify that for me?"

Blessings,
Michelle
 
sweetlissa said:
I believe that if I were looking for another wife at this time, I would want a close loving connection. I don't care about anything physical, I simply want someone that loves me, my hubby and that I love back. I can adjust menus, lifestyle and about anything else, to accommodate a person that is my deepest friend. All that stuff is just gravy. If God gives me a friend that I can rely on through the darkest night I will make any adjustment necessary.

SweetLissa
Click to expand...


And to what S said to - all of the above. Lissa really defines what is the basis - but I want someone who is comfortable with all religious views in the house - hopefully someone who shares the same as me and Maggi.

We have all been together for 5 years now - and Maggi was there 5 years before I came into the picture...so we are pretty well established here. We have tried on three separate occasions to add a third woman. Each time he did the choosing. I think it is our turn to pick haha!
 
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