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sweetlissa

sweetlissa

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Real Person
Female
A general discussion in my family brought up this topic. I thought I would put it out for some discussion:

When a husband is courting a new wife, what is appropriate for the existing wives to share with her regarding the husband? Is it right to talk about his difficulties (In the rare instance that he has any?) Or is it up to the new woman to figure it out on her own?

SweetLissa
 
This is a really great question! I have struggled with this question myself. I do not think there is a right answer to this as there are so many different factors in each family. For example something that one might consider a weakness or fault in a man might be something that is no big deal or is even endearing to another lady, depends what it is of course! Also the lady might not listen to you and just resent you for saying it!

Once I realize something new(that I consider a less than desirable trait in my eyes) about my husband, I have thought "hey, she could have warned me about this!!" and then I think that it would have been a little wierd although I know I would have appreciated the heads up. She says it was not her place. I remember when I first came to live with the family and she would tell me neutral or even positive things about him (like his tastes in food, habits, etc.) and I woud think it was a little impertinant like "Oh, she thinks she is the hubby expert, does she?" hahahaha :lol: my own insecurities came out and also a little jealousy about the length of their relationship! See, the whole thing is so hard and emotional. It always is when girls are involved!!! (see what this family has gone through with me! :oops: )

I think if you are a very diplomatic person who knows how to rub people the right way then go for it. If not, then feel her out first-for example you might say, "Do you like mashed potatoes" if she makes a face then don't say that it is hubbies favorite food! ;) at least not yet. She will come to that realization soon enough and have to deal with it. If she finds out on her own she may feel empowered because she is going through her own process of getting to know her own husband, see? If it is something MAJOR that you think she should know then going to hubby and telling him about your worries about what she should know is best. After all he is responsible for his marriage with her ultimately.
 
my belief is that as a sw i should focus on building a foundation with the potential and leave my nose out of their relationship.
 
Surprisingly enough, I agree with itainteasy! I was tentative to give too much info about Robert at the beginning, lest she think I was the "hubby expert", LOL! There is definitely satisfaction in discovering for yourself the little things that make up your husband's personality. So, unless it's a big deal, I say let the other wife figure it out, or maybe bring things up that you might think are pertinent in a roundabout way, so as not to take the fun out of learning the new relationship.
 
My inexperienced self says that when you feel she should know something that will be beneficial for her to know or it will be beneficial for you if she knows it or it will be benficial for her and hubby's future relationship if she knows it now but it is something "delicate" and perhaps difficult to deal with then a good, calm serious heart to heart with hubby is in order. I say this not knowing the nature of the not fun thing!
 
I didn't have anything in mind. Just wondering what people thought.

And also what about stories from the past.

SweetLissa
 
Thank you sweetlissa for bringing this question up. I've just wondered
how much sw time I should have during courting. It seems that the 1st wife
should be included in the dates. Do I have that wrong? I know there needs to be one on one time with the man (byw, what does dh stand for?)
I just need that reassurance that she also wants me as a potential sw.
Just a side note, I discussed pm with my sister who is my kindred spirit, we
are real close. She is researching and reading everything I gave her. She
knows that I do not do anything impulsive and that I study God's word exhaustively, and I truly believe God is in this . Comparing scripture with scripture ( sorry got off topic, but that was so cool telling her)
dede
 
Every family has a different answer to this question. My personal feeling is that there should be interaction on all levels. With hubby and SW, sw and sw and with all three. Also including any children etc. Eventually, in my opinion the family will become integrated in a matter of time. I believe it is absolutely necessary for the sisters to spend time together, but of course you have to spend time alone with hubby and also with them as a family. Explore the family dynamic from every angle possible.

SweetLissa
 
I feel that a women should talk about his good qualities, because, we as women should always honor our husbands as we would Jesus. I dont hink we should ever downtalk on our husbands, in particuraly to a women he is interested in. Why scare her off, or make her judge him, God is the judge of us all, everything should be put in the right perspective. I talked to a women my husband liked and he told her about polygany, when I talked to her, I told her naturuallly good things, and yet had to be careful because she was not certain about polygany.
 
It is very suspicious to hear only good things. It makes you feel like you aren't getting the whole story. That said, I would be very uncomfortable if my SW started bad-mouthing my husband in a derogatory way. When people love each other then they typically know each others faults and flaws and can comfortably joke about even their own flaws.
I say if it is an important detail (you should know he was convicted of fraud) then it should be communicated before any "point of no return" is reached, a minor detail (he refuses to pick up his socks) then let the new wife figure it out herself, and if it is a funny detail (he has this odd quirk...) then let it come out as and when it comes out and enjoy the laughter together!
 
Also goes with anything in regards to SW. When there are big things involved, and given that the courting tends to be shorter in these types of things, I think that straight forward is definitely the way to go, but if it is something like the potential SW loves spinach and the current wife knows hubby hates spinach this is really a big thing. However any serious medical issues or mental health issues should be revealed, either by the ones suffering from such or by the other current party involved.
 
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