When you shouldn't seek an additional wife

[Bartato]

Around here, we all basically understand and agree that the Bible treats polygamy (specifically polygyny) as legitimate marriage (and not adultery or sexual immorality).

A lot of guys see this Biblical truth and think it means they ought to practice polygamy, and go out to seek an additional wife. I've had those thoughts myself.

The fact that God recognizes polygamy as marriage does not necessarily mean that a particular man (you) should pursue it.

Maybe you should, and maybe you shouldn't. Timing is also an issue. Perhaps this is the time, perhaps it isn't.

I wonder if some of our members would be willing to share indications of when polygamy generally should or shouldn't be pursued.

I'm asking for two types of guidance.
1. Direct Biblical instructions
2. Wisdom and common sense

Here are a couple of examples of the type of guidance I'm looking for.

Here is one (of many possible) Biblical indication that you should.

If you are a married man, and have already seduced and lay with a virgin, then you are supposed to marry her. You shouldn't have lay with her in the first place, but now you ought to do the right thing and be her husband.

"If a man seduces a virgin who is not pledged to be married and sleeps with her, he must pay the bride-price, and she shall be his wife." (Exodus 22:16 ESV)

On the other hand poverty is generally a practical indication that a man shouldn't seek additional wives. The husband is required to provide for his wife and children. A man who really struggles to meet the basic financial needs of a small family probably shouldn't look for another woman. Instead, he should focus on improving his financial situation, and perhaps pursue polygamy later on.

I hope some of you will help me consider these indications.

 

[NBTX11]

I had the financial means to do so, but wanted it to be with the right person. I was prepared not to find another wife. I was looking for a woman in need that desperately needed a husband. I believe God directed our paths together. But, for me, the main motive was to hep a woman. To me that was a good reason to seek a wife.

 

[Bartato]

I had the financial means to do so, but wanted it to be with the right person. I was prepared not to find another wife. I was looking for a woman in need that desperately needed a husband. I believe God directed our paths together. But, for me, the main motive was to hep a woman. To me that was a good reason to seek a wife.

I think the desire to care for (husband) a woman who needs or desires a husband is a pretty good indication, especially if the woman seems like she would fit well with the existing family.

 

[FollowingHim]

It is natural for a man, on first realising that God does not limit him to one wife, to get excited about this, expect to marry another and start looking for her. The first couple of years after realising this is an option are a state of heightened emotion both for you and your existing wife, both positive and negative.

I would suggest, if you have only both been in agreement that this is correct for less than a couple of years, don't pursue it. That early period of enthusiasm is when rash decisions are made, and foolish marriages are formed which should never have been made. Wait until you're less excited about it and then you'll be able to pursue it more calmly and rationally.

Unless you are in a situation where you already have two women (as @Bartato mentioned in his initial post), and need to take responsibility for your actions immediately. Still, be calm and deliberate about it, and do so in a way that is as sensitive as possible to the emotional needs of both women and taking things slowly to accommodate them, as this will be a time of great emotion with a high chance of losing one of them.

I would also suggest that polygamy is a solution for real-world situations. If you have a situation in your life where God is leading you to polygamy as the obvious solution to that situation, then that is the time for polygamy. Care for a widow, falling in love with your secretary - practical situations that actually exist where God has brought a woman into your life and appears to intend for her to become your wife. In my observation, it is these situations that are most likely to result in successful plural marriages.

On the other hand, if you just like the idea of polygamy but don't know anyone suitable and would need to hunt on dating websites etc to find her, then you have no reason for polygamy, no actual real-world situation to solve through it. Look back at your real life and put the time you were going to invest on this search for a dream into working on the real issues that confront you today, and spending time with the wife and children you already have (and if you don't have any, forget polygamy, start by seeking one wife and don't assume you even want two until you've dealt with one!). Be a good steward of the responsibilities you already have, and God may in future choose to bless you with more responsibilities, or not.

 

[MarkH]

Well, first off, I'm under a covenant I made with my first wife, and I must abide by that. I don't think we need scriptures to support this as we all know them. Currently, my first wife will not entertain the idea of biblical plural marriage. That doesn't leave me much room to maneuver. Most likely if I pushed the topic and idea she would release me from that covenant and agree to divorce and live as single. Of course, I'd treat her as a separated first wife and I'd consider her still my responsibility forever until the day she remarried.
I'm choosing to live under the committed covenant.

 

[Bartato]

Well, first off, I'm under a covenant I made with my first wife, and I must abide by that. I don't think we need scriptures to support this as we all know them. Currently, my first wife will not entertain the idea of biblical plural marriage. That doesn't leave me much room to maneuver. Most likely if I pushed the topic and idea she would release me from that covenant and agree to divorce and live as single. Of course, I'd treat her as a separated first wife and I'd consider her still my responsibility forever until the day she remarried.
I'm choosing to live under the committed covenant.

So...
If pursuing a second would almost certainly wreck the first, that should make a man slow down and think twice.

Honoring the vow to the first is also a big deal, even if a man was tricked into making an improper vow. (Tricked by society, and or the church, not by the woman)

 

[Bartato]

It is natural for a man, on first realising that God does not limit him to one wife, to get excited about this, expect to marry another and start looking for her. The first couple of years after realising this is an option are a state of heightened emotion both for you and your existing wife, both positive and negative.

I would suggest, if you have only both been in agreement that this is correct for less than a couple of years, don't pursue it. That early period of enthusiasm is when rash decisions are made, and foolish marriages are formed which should never have been made. Wait until you're less excited about it and then you'll be able to pursue it more calmly and rationally.

Unless you are in a situation where you already have two women (as @Bartato mentioned in his initial post), and need to take responsibility for your actions immediately. Still, be calm and deliberate about it, and do so in a way that is as sensitive as possible to the emotional needs of both women and taking things slowly to accommodate them, as this will be a time of great emotion with a high chance of losing one of them.

I would also suggest that polygamy is a solution for real-world situations. If you have a situation in your life where God is leading you to polygamy as the obvious solution to that situation, then that is the time for polygamy. Care for a widow, falling in love with your secretary - practical situations that actually exist where God has brought a woman into your life and appears to intend for her to become your wife. In my observation, it is these situations that are most likely to result in successful plural marriages.

On the other hand, if you just like the idea of polygamy but don't know anyone suitable and would need to hunt on dating websites etc to find her, then you have no reason for polygamy, no actual real-world situation to solve through it. Look back at your real life and put the time you were going to invest on this search for a dream into working on the real issues that confront you today, and spending time with the wife and children you already have (and if you don't have any, forget polygamy, start by seeking one wife and don't assume you even want two until you've dealt with one!). Be a good steward of the responsibilities you already have, and God may in future choose to bless you with more responsibilities, or not.

Sometimes Calvinists talk about "cage stage Calvinists".

When Christians who didn't initially believe in Sovereign election come to believe in it, they sometimes obsess about it, constantly talk about it, and fight with anyone who disagrees. That is the cage stage. I think we also have some cage stagen patriarchy and polygamy guys.

I do believe Election is true (and polygyny lawful), but sometimes the cage stage Calvinists and cage stage aspiring Patriarchal Polygamists need to chill out.

 

[NBTX11]

Honoring the vow to the first is also a big deal, even if a man was tricked into making an improper vow. (Tricked by society, and or the church, not by the woman)

It is a big deal. In my situation, when I came to a proper understanding of marriage, I asked my first wife to release me from the unscriptural portion of my vows. She agreed to. This was after a very long time of us discussing and studying the topic first. Once she agreed, I then started searching for another.

 

[MemeFan]

When your life you become worse than before.

When it's outside Lord's will for you.

Both are fixable in my opinion.

 

[FollowingHim]

So...
If pursuing a second would almost certainly wreck the first, that should make a man slow down and think twice.

I've often pointed out that, if your goal is to be polygamous, going about it in a way that will likely cause the first to run off means you're still going to be a monogamist, just a much poorer one (following the divorce), and with a messed up life with custody battles over children and all sorts of chaos. Pursuing polygamy when this is likely is insane even when considered from purely selfish motives, because you're really just pursuing chaotic monogamy.

 

[FollowingHim]

My feedback above can really be summarised by saying that:

I see no value at all, rather great danger, in pursuing polygamy for the sake of polygamy. There be dragons.

I see great value in pursuing a specific woman for the sake of her, you and your family. There be blessings.

 

[Bartato]

The fact that our culture is so totally against it is also a consideration. I think it would be much easier in a culture where it is widely practiced.

Then again, that is just one factor. If people want to see it more broadly accepted, then someone actually needs to practice it, and do it well.

 

[frederick]

My feedback above can really be summarised by saying that:

I see no value at all, rather great danger, in pursuing polygamy for the sake of polygamy. There be dragons.

I totally agree with what you're saying.... yet Jesus deliberately stirred up a storm with the religious hierarchy by healing on the Sabbath. He did what was right even though He could have avoided the chaos by healing on any other day of the week.Truly, I don't want to be brutally assaulted and crucified, but taking more than one wife is righteous, and it can be done even on the Sabbath.

Yesterday I was at a meeting where the discussion drifted on to a well known secret scandal. One of the male colleagues (not a muslim) has four wives and children with each of them. The negativity expressed was concerning, yet these very same people openly violate the commandment against idolatry. They support and promote what is condemned. It's absolute hypocrisy of the worst kind.

 

[frederick]

The fact that our culture is so totally against it is also a consideration.

Like the culture in our Lord's Day where He healed on the Sabbath.

 

[NBTX11]

if you just like the idea of polygamy but don't know anyone suitable and would need to hunt on dating websites etc to find her, then you have no reason for polygamy,

Some men would disagree. I didn’t know anyone suitable (well I did one, but they rejected the idea). I was able to find a woman in desperate need of a husband who needed me and God called me to. I did not know her or had never met her prior. We’ve had a successful, albeit still short, marriage.

 

[FollowingHim]

I see no value at all, rather great danger, in pursuing polygamy for the sake of polygamy. There be dragons.

I totally agree with what you're saying.... yet Jesus deliberately stirred up a storm with the religious hierarchy by healing on the Sabbath. He did what was right even though He could have avoided the chaos by healing on any other day of the week.Truly, I don't want to be brutally assaulted and crucified, but taking more than one wife is righteous, and it can be done even on the Sabbath.

I think my statement must have been too short to accurately convey my point, as it left too much open to interpretation! I'm certainly not suggesting avoiding polygamy because it is socially unacceptable or risky, that really has nothing to do with what I was saying.

My point is that when people decide they want polygamy for its own sake, and then decide to find someone to pursue it with, they tend to get themselves in trouble. It's the wrong focus and the wrong order.

But when people decide they want a particular person, and then become polygamous as the natural result of that, that tends to be successful. You are actually a good example of this @frederick.

I say this from having observed many people over many years. It's about focus. A focus on polygamy itself is generally unhealthy, but a focus on people is very healthy.

 

[NBTX11]

The fact that our culture is so totally against it is also a consideration. I think it would be much easier in a culture where it is widely practiced.

I’m caring less and less what society and culture thinks. My boldness for things right continues to grow every day. Last week I took both wives to a Sunday church service. I held both wives hands for an hour and a half and did not give a rats behind who thought what about it.

 

[FollowingHim]

Some men would disagree. I didn’t know anyone suitable (well I did one, but they rejected the idea). I was able to find a woman in desperate need of a husband who needed me and God called me to. I did not know her or had never met her prior. We’ve had a successful, albeit still short, marriage.

It's a general observation based on viewing many successes and failures. Like all general observations there will be exceptions, and I certainly hope we can look back on this in 5 years and you can say "I told you so" as you've proved to be one of them! But exceptions don't disprove the rule, the general observation is still valid (as I said, it's based on viewing many families over the years). I don't write this to criticise anyone who is polygamous, I write it as food for thought for people who are in the early stages of working this all out.

 

[MemeFan]

Yesterday I was at a meeting where the discussion drifted on to a well known secret scandal. One of the male colleagues (not a muslim) has four wives and children with each of them. The negativity expressed was concerning, yet these very same people openly violate the commandment against idolatry. They support and promote what is condemned. It's absolute hypocrisy of the worst kind.

Seems more like reason to be careful where you live.

Find second wife and move whole family from cesspool.

 

[frederick]

You are actually a good example of this @frederick.

Thank you!