Hey ladies, I could use a bit of advice. Or maybe I just need to vent. I'm really not sure. I had a conversation with my SW a month or so ago about past Christmases with DH. I asked her not to share this chat with DH. She did. DH asked me about it, about what I'd meant. I explained- without getting emotional- what I'd meant. I later told SW what he'd asked/told me, and told her that I was upset that she'd shared our conversation with him. Somehow it all ended up being my fault. She'd shared with him because she was concerned about my feelings. He'd told me about it because he was concerned about my feelings. What about my feelings of betrayal that she shared with him in the first place? If he was worried about my feelings shouldn't he have just kept his mouth shut and considered what she'd told him? GGGGRRRR!!! I sound whiny and petty and though ya'll don't really know me I promise you I'm neither. I am just irritated and hurt and feel ganged up on. Any thoughts of words of wisdom would really come in handy right now.
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When your SW betrays your trust.
- Thread starter melmacrhon
- Start date
They both obviously love you very much. They were both more concerned about your feelings and making sure you were ok than keeping what you'd said in confidence. They were trying to do the best thing for you.
One of the keys to plural marriage is communication, they were both trying to do that. Having talked about past Christmases with the two of them, do you feel better about that situation going forward now?
One of the keys to plural marriage is communication, they were both trying to do that. Having talked about past Christmases with the two of them, do you feel better about that situation going forward now?
This is exactly what I was thinking too. It's true, you asked her not to tell and she told. But it was out of concern for you, so that's got to mean something. I get that you feel hurt and probably vulnerable because you spoke something in private. Think about what it means though. They did it because they were concerned for you.
If someone was drowning and you saw them but they asked you not to get help because they were embarrassed, would you allow them to drown? No, we would all see the greater need and do what we had to to get them the best help we could. In some ways your SW may have felt like she saw you emotionally drowning and went to someone who may know how to help.
So try to let it all go. They love you. They are your family and comrades, so why not let it go and enjoy the people who clearly care so much about you.
No, I really don't feel better about it. DH knows that I really dislike this time of year. SW knows, too, that I dislike it. I feel ganged up on. I'm feeling right this minute that I won't ever tell her anything in confidence ever again. Yes, I know that I may feel differently tomorrow, but right now that's how I'm feeling. But, I do appreciate your 2 cents worth.
Thanks, I appreciate your thoughts on this. I'm just not feeling it.This is exactly what I was thinking too. It's true, you asked her not to tell and she told. But it was out of concern for you, so that's got to mean something. I get that you feel hurt and probably vulnerable because you spoke something in private. Think about what it means though. They did it because they were concerned for you.
If someone was drowning and you saw them but they asked you not to get help because they were embarrassed, would you allow them to drown? No, we would all see the greater need and do what we had to to get them the best help we could. In some ways your SW may have felt like she saw you emotionally drowning and went to someone who may know how to help.
So try to let it all go. They love you. They are your family and comrades, so why not let it go and enjoy the people who clearly care so much about you.
I can understand the frustration.....sort of.
I'm an only wife that has been keen on having a sisterwife for 18 years now.
I'm sure she is only human......as are you.
I just thought I'd point out that most of my brother and sisters in law do not expect anything told to hubby or I to not be shared with the other. Most don't have a two wife family, and you may not have thought about it in that light, but keeping things from a spouse is not really a relationship building thing.
Maybe it would be nice to treat her like your "bestie" and share things in confidence. Honestly it would be nice to be "friends" with children too, but maybe sometimes the more important relationship responsibilities trump what we think would be fun?
You have an awesome opportunity to practice forgiveness and accepting them both as they are. It sounds like it is the exposure that was uncomfortable. We can all relate to that! ((Hugs))
I agree.
Plural marriage isn't easy, and this is a classic example. You have a choice right now. You can choose to forgive them, or not. That sounds simple, but it isn't.
To forgive them means that you remove the root that is trying to grow inside of you. It means that you move forward with the both of them in love and peace. It means that next time it will be that little bit more easy to forgive them when they do something wrong, which they will, because they're human just like you. This is the hardest path, but the most rewarding.
On the other hand, you can continue to let that unforgiveness, anger, and resentment fester inside of you. Let the root grow. Then the next time they hurt you you can add to it, until you're so full of it that you can't see straight any more.
I'm sure that sounds harsh, but I don't mean it to be. Now is the time to step up. Now, when it's hard, when you're hurting, is the time to allow yourself to grow. This is where God works, right here, right now. If you let Him.
Thanks. I wasn't keeping anything from DH. He was well aware because we have a version of this conversation every Christmas season. I am working on that forgivenessI can understand the frustration.....sort of.
I'm an only wife that has been keen on having a sisterwife for 18 years now.
I'm sure she is only human......as are you.
I just thought I'd point out that most of my brother and sisters in law do not expect anything told to hubby or I to not be shared with the other. Most don't have a two wife family, and you may not have thought about it in that light, but keeping things from a spouse is not really a relationship building thing.
Maybe it would be nice to treat her like your "bestie" and share things in confidence. Honestly it would be nice to be "friends" with children too, but maybe sometimes the more important relationship responsibilities trump what we think would be fun?
You have an awesome opportunity to practice forgiveness and accepting them both as they are. It sounds like it is the exposure that was uncomfortable. We can all relate to that! ((Hugs))
Thanks. I'm working on forgiveness. Most of the time we can all 3 communicate well with each other. And, I know we will again.
You might be aware that many people feel as you do regarding this time of year. I no longer celebrate Christmas for what I consider scriptural reasons (but yes, I do trust in Jesus/Yeshua!), but even before that I had secular reasons and loss issues that contributed to that. Actually coming up on one of those...I lost my mom to pancreatic cancer on December 23rd of last year. Hey if you would like to take this conversation further, you can always message me. Hugs to you....
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@melmacrhon what if God is "pushing a button" for you regarding this situation? What if God wants you to not go year after year disliking this time of year? What if He is using your SW and husband to ask you to look deep and ask the tough questions of your heart and soul? I have no idea why you dislike this time of year but God knows and I am positive he would not want you to feel this way about ANY time of the year. He has created each day as a gift for you, don't allow the lies of the Enemy and the heartache of this sinful World steal the joy that is rightfully yours! I would encourage you to ask the Lord what He wants you to learn from this frustrating moment. Maybe it is to work on your forgiveness muscle? Or maybe to understand something about your DH and SW and how they respond when they are worried about you? But what if the Lord is saying, "Now, is the time to clean house in your heart." Remember, He desires only good things for you, EVEN when He asks us to deal with the things that are very difficult to let go of, forgive or ask forgiveness for.
Praying that you rest in the safety of the love of your family to grow and mature in whatever the Lord is asking of you at this time. His truth and wisdom are always best for our spirit and soul! Blessings to you!
Praying that you rest in the safety of the love of your family to grow and mature in whatever the Lord is asking of you at this time. His truth and wisdom are always best for our spirit and soul! Blessings to you!
Beautiful...thanks @julieb.
Julieb- I hadn't thought of it this way. I have forgiven the past traumas and stuff. I have asked forgiveness for my part in other things about this time of year. I have peace in my heart about them. I just can't forget them. Dang near every song on the radio or decorations on houses or in stores triggers yet another memory. I know you don't have all the answers any more than I do. But, how do your forget? I have prayed many times for forgetfulness.
I know that DH and SW love me and worry. Hubby knows some of why I dislike this time of year. This is our first Christmas with SW and she doesn't know the details. No, I'm not ready -if I ever am???- to share them with her.
Thanks for those prayers.
Triggers are pretty much involuntary, much like PTSD. Forgiveness may not be a cure-all but it helps spiritually speaking. I'm hoping that SW, with your husband's help, will respect your timing on sharing. I don't think that she needs to know the story yet, but in time if you become close and trust each other, you may feel differently. Praying that happens for you...
They fade over time but are always there regardless of forgiveness. Everything that happens in our lives will be there forever. Our job , with God's help, is to not become bitter which can happen even when we forgive. It niggles in the back of our mind and heart and pounces in our weakest moments. When it pounces is when you can't hold it in. Share your struggle with God and those most important to you. ask forgivenessfor your weakness. Until I shared everything with my husband about my past I couldn't fully let go. It was probably the hardest thing I've ever done to remove that stronghold from Satan's claws.
“Do not remember the former things,
Nor consider the things of old.
19 Behold, I will do a new thing,
Now it shall spring forth;
Shall you not know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert.
Isaiah 43:18-19
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.
Philippines 4:6-9
I've been thinking about this for a few days wondering how to reply. I've been in a place in my life where I had lots of triggers, anxiety and depression. I don't have a formula for how you can shake your triggers and pain. All of our paths are so different and I think God does different things in our lives on purpose so that we don't put Him in a box and try to just go through the motions to get the same healing results. I think it's interesting in the New Testament how Jesus healed people in many different ways instead of just repeating the same method over and over. So I've been wondering what to say for a few days.
I used these verses to help me get past my hangups. My husband would tell me the Bible says not to be anxious, so don't be anxious. It also says to forget the things of the past and not to consider the things old. There are some guided steps like prayer, thanksgiving and keeping your mind on pure things. But there's not a definite if I follow A,B,C then I will get desired result. Only, don't do this, do do this. You said you already have peace, which seems a little strange to me. Peace is the complete opposite of triggers. And in my mind peace and triggers go together magnets repelling each other, so I'm going to step out on a limb and say I wonder if what you call peace is actually resignation. The ability to know something if off but not knowing what to do about it, so accepting it as a part of you, being at peace with it's presence.
For me personally I had to literally keep in mind that I would forget the past. Anytime a trigger would try to appear, I would not let it. I would not let the full thought even emerge before shutting it down. A lot of the time a powerful "No." Thought in my mind was all that was needed and then to replace my thoughts with something positive to think about. And eventually I did forget the past and all the ways the triggers had me bound up.
But it doesn't end here, like I said I don't have a formula and I don't know how the Lord is going to grow you. But my journey didn't end there, and will yours wouldn't either. I don't know how your path past triggers will look. You'll be like Christian in pligrim's progress, or like the deer in Hind's Feet in High Places, there will be perils and adventure and disappointment ahead but you set your feet on the Lord's path and pursue His Word and you'll never know where your feet will take you!
RainyLondonFog- Please forgive me for not being clear. What I meant was that I have peace as far as forgiving the things in the past and the people involved in those things. I harbor no ill will toward the ones involved. I did some awful things in my anger and pain and I've asked for forgiveness for that from the ones I acted against. The forgiveness is what I'm at peace with.
Hey Ladies. Just want to update you all. Things are much calmer around here. I want to thank you all for the support and suggestions and Bible verses you've reminded me of. SW and I had a long talk on Christmas afternoon where lots of things got resolved. I had to let my guard down- which I am so NOT good at- and be vulnerable and emotional- also something I'm not good at. But, for the sake of harmony in our life it was worth the risk. I think we are on the road to recovery.
Wow...big! I am confident He will uphold you in this step of faith and courage!
Such good news! Good for both of you to be brave and trusting. I am sorry for not replying about how to make some emotional changes. I just haven't had the time and didn't want to rush through my post. I would love to share a few things that have worked for me that is additional to the great suggestions of the other ladies. I will make time soon. Also, I have been thinking about you often these last few days and praying for you. I am so blessed to hear this good report!