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Working it out

N

NurseMo

Member
Real Person
Female
Ok y'all, I'm trying something different. Feel free to challenge me, don't sugarcoat or try and "spare" my feelings. I do best with direct communication. This is verbatum quoted from https://www.morethantwo.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/practicaljealousy.pdf

Here it goes:

"Part 1: On the Nature of Jealousy:

Jealousy is an unusual emotion in that it is an emotion rooted in other emotions. Often, the root of jealousy lies in insecurity, the idea that your relationship with your partner is not stable; it can also be rooted in such things as fear of loss, fear of being replaced, and so on. For that reason, effective resolution of jealousy relies on tracking down the root of the jealousy, and identifying the emotional responses the jealousy is rooted in. This is arguably the most important step to resolving issues of jealousy and insecurity, and is one of the most difficult, because it relies on an unflinching, completely honest self-assessment and a willingness to explore and understand unpleasant, uncomfortable emotions.

Toolkit for Understanding Jealousy

• First, identify the things that trigger a feeling of jealousy or insecurity. Keep in mind that the triggers which lead to a jealous emotional response are not the same thing as the cause of the jealous response! The triggers are the events or situations which bring up a feeling of jealousy; the cause is buried deeper, in other emotions.
-Husband taking a second wife/loving another woman/being intimate with another woman

• Fill in the blank: “I do not like my [husband] to do [above] because if my partner does [above], then _______________.” Be honest! Identify the fears or doubts that the behavior which triggers the feelings of jealousy or insecurity may cause. What’s the worst-case scenario? What bad things do you believe may happen if your partner does whatever it is that causes the jealous response? (This may take some time. It might be helpful to write down your response; if you feel conflicted or a mix of emotions, write down each one, and try to pin down exactly what you feel when your partner does whatever triggers a jealous response.) Often, simply putting a name to your fears, however unfounded you know them to be rationally, goes a long way toward reducing them.

I do not like my [husband] to take another wife because: That means he is staying with me purely out of obligation, but won't tell me. He knows it wouldn't be right to divorce me so he'll just get someone he really desires. And they will both know it and I'll just be the fool hanging around not knowing any different and they'd wish I'd just leave. And everyone else knows it too. I'm just a paycheck.

Fears: being replaced, nobody wants me around, I'm not good enough, being humiliated/taken advantage of, being lied to, an attitude of "You're not what I want but you'll do" (gosh, this makes me cry!)

• Further down the rabbit hole: Why do you think these things may happen? Are those fears valid? How does your partner feel about these things? Talk to your partner about what you believe may happen if your partner does whatever it is that triggers the insecurities or jealousies.

- Well, I do have valid reasons such as former SW (who is now gone) insinuating some of this slyly over and over, coupled with some very poor choice of words/mistakes by DH. Of course, he says that my fears are "ridiculous" and that I bring a peace in his life that he cannot find elsewhere, he can trust me, and said his feelings are akin to the Michael Bolton song "Said I loved you but I lied" (throw back 80's!) and some other private things that I would like to keep that way.

Potential Pitfalls - Fears, jealousies, insecurities, and similar emotions will seek to justify themselves and convince you that they are valid; and the emotional reality they create will color and influence your worldview. They always feel valid, even when they’re not. Don’t assume that your feelings always tell the truth. Look at them critically, in the light of day.

When you examine the things you think may happen if your partner does whatever triggers your jealousy, most often what you find is that the things you’re afraid of aren’t actually true. Knowing that intellectually does not make the feelings go away, but it does give you information about what the feelings are rooted in.

Now, not all jealousies are irrational, and not all jealousies are unfounded. If your partner has a history of cheating on you or betraying your confidence, for example, then it is perfectly reasonable and appropriate to feel that your partner might not be honest with you, or might not do what he or she says. Useful jealousy—jealousy that is a valid warning sign of a problem in a relationship—is a very different animal from irrational jealousy. It’s not always easy to tell them apart, though, because emotional responses seek to justify themselves, and can influence the way you perceive the world. It’s possible to find evidence to support almost any feeling, if you look hard enough."

TBC with Part 2............
 
"Part 2: Deconstructing Jealousy, Fear, and Insecurity

When you’ve looked at jealousy through a lens of critical evaluation, often you’ll find a great deal of insight into the things that underlie those feelings. Now it’s time to start working on the root of the problem.

One way to do this is to go back to the sentence, “I do not like my partner to do X because if my partner does X, then _______________.”

Look at the way you fill in the blank. What does it reveal about your assumptions? Does it suggest anything about the way you see your relationship with your partner. The things that it reveals about your assumptions and your ideas about your relationship—especially the tacit, unspoken ideas that you may not consciously be aware of—will speak volumes about how to go about solving the issues at the root of jealousy.

• Make a list of hidden assumptions. These are the ideas that underlie your fears.

Let’s say, for example, that you realize “I do not like when my partner is intimate with someone else, because if my partner is intimate with someone else, that person might be better than I am in that area. If that person is better than I am in that area, maybe my partner will prefer that person to me. If my partner prefers that person to me, maybe my partner will leave me.”

This example shows a number of assumptions, some of which are buried very deeply, about the nature of this hypothetical person’s beliefs about relationships. Are these assumptions true? What are they? In this case, a list of hidden assumptions might be:
- My partner is with me because of the way I please my partner in that area.
- My partner values the things that someone does in that area.
- If someone else is better than I am in this area, my partner may wish to stop being with me in this area..
- The way I am in that area is fixed and unchangeable; someone who is better than I am will always be better and there is nothing I can do about that.
- If my partner finds someone more pleasing than I am in this area, my partner will no longer need me.

• Examine these assumptions. Are they valid? Are they true? Do they have merit? Do you really believe them? What does your partner say about them?

Now, when you do this, you might find that one or more of these ideas is actually true. There are people in the world who, for example, base their relationships on the bedroom; there are people in the world who will choose the person who is the most fun, and dump the other one. But if these assumptions are true, and they have validity, then the question that brings up is: Do you actually want this relationship? If your partner is only with you for the bedroom, then what value does that relationship have? Is that what you want, or are you simply in the relationship out of fear of being alone? Most of the time, when you drag the assumptions underlying a jealousy out into the light and look at them, you’ll find that they actually have no merit at all.

In this hypothetical example, there are a lot of assumptions which likely are not true:

1. that this person is “better” than you (in reality, even the same act with two different partners is two completely different experiences; there is no direct way to compare yourself to another person);

2. that the only reason your partner is with you is because of the services you provide;

3. that it is impossible for you to control how pleasing you are to your partner;

4. that your partner is going to choose to leave you over something like this.

Keep in mind that this is a hypothetical example; your own experiences with your own emotional responses will be different. But the same process can be applied to your experiences. Are the unspoken assumptions beneath your fears valid? Can you deconstruct your fears, and look at what they’re made of? Do these fears make sense? Do they tell the truth?"

Edited from https://www.morethantwo.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/practicaljealousy.pdf
 
Part 2b The Fear of being alone:

"The fear of being alone is arguably one of the most difficult things to deal with in a relationship. Often, it comes from an idea that the partner you have now is someone you must be with; if you lose this relationship, for whatever reason, you can never find another again. This fear can make it very difficult for you to ask for what you need in a relationship (for fear that your partner will leave if you ask for too much), and can add an edge of desperation to any other fear or insecurity you may feel (because if you fail to make this relationship work, you’ll never have another opportunity for happiness). Conquering a fear of being alone is a necessary step in the quest for security; if you can not feel confident in your ability to be happy without your current relationship, it becomes much more difficult to be secure in your current relationship." Quoted from same source.

I decided to include Part 2b in this series of posts because I like what it says about conquering the fear of being alone as a means to security. I like to call it The Wilderness. In my journey, it was in The Wilderness where I learned that
#1. The world doesn't stop because I'm not there. It doesn't stop for my broken heart. The earth continues to spin, the sun to rise and fall, and everyone else in the world, including my husband and whomever he is or isn't with, will live and go on about their day.
#2. My husband can, and will, enjoy life without me. He can love someone else and have a great time with them <gasp> while I'm not there.
#3. Despite lessons #1 and #2: My husband still wants me in his life. And to be honest, I'm still surprised by this.

I now see that feeling threatened/insecure was a very powerful and deep rooted emotion that caused a lot of internal/external problems for me. Of course, at the time, I couldn't see it and denied it. I did have valid reasons for feeling threatened, however, I also had very strong and INVALID reasons for feeling that way as well. Feeling threatened/insecure led to an internal desperation that exacerbated every other negative emotion I felt. Even if I had valid, external, reasons to feel the way that I did, feeling threatened/insecure underneath it all is a very, very, poor foundation. And a very, very bad idea not to acknowledge and take measures to deal with.
 
Part 3: Constructing a replacement

"Once you’ve come this far, you’re very nearly done. Understanding the things that a jealous response is rooted in, and taking apart those roots, gives you tremendous power over that jealousy. The next step in conquering that jealousy is to construct new ideas that you can reach for whenever you begin to feel the jealous response. The way you do this is to find counters to the things underlying the jealousies. These are things which you can use to tell your fears, “No, the things I am afraid of are not true, and here’s why.” They are concrete, grounded ideas you can reach for whenever the jealousies or insecurities arise."

Personally, I have struggled greatly with this one, not only in jealousy, but in other beliefs as well. I recently spoke with a dear friend of mine who essentially, called me out on a few things. It was all done in love, and to this day, I am very grateful. She helped me identify my underlying fears/beliefs. It all centered on 2 things. "He doesn't really love me" and "I don't trust him." I wish I could say that I've overcome my insecurities, but I can't. What I can say, is that I am building healthier habits and thought processes which is very therapeutic, and it is working. It takes time and effort to construct replacements because it requires vigilance in the form of monitoring one's thoughts. When I start thinking negatively, I stop myself and ask, which one of these two things does this stem from? or when I start thinking of other things, I ask, "What is so threatening about XYZ"? All of this takes time and effort. And I've been lazy. Some of my fears/insecurities have proven to be unrealized baggage brought in by childhood wounds that have been exposed and exacerbated by PM (which tends to happen). But I can honestly say that following my friend's instructions by constructing replacements is working and I have been happier than I've been in a long while.

AAANNNNNNDDDDD one final word from that site:

" a trap is believing that your partner values and loves you for what you do, not for who you are. The danger in making this assumption is that it can lead to the thought that if someone else does the things you do better than you do them, your partner can replace you with that person. In truth, people are not interchangeable. Even if someone else shares all your interests, does all the things you do, and behaves the same way you do in your relationship, you still stand alone. The things that give you value are unique to you; the same experience with two different people has two different and unique flavors. You can not be replaced, not even by someone who does all the same things you do—because it is who you are as a person that makes you special. Don’t look to things outside yourself for specialness; don’t assume “I am special because I am the only one that my partner does thus-and-such with” or “I am special because I am the only person who knows thus-and-such about my partner.” An idea of specialness that depends on things outside yourself can easily lead to insecurity, because if someone else does those things, then you won’t feel special any more. On the other hand, an idea of specialness that comes from within can never be taken away."

How very interesting that when I think of my husband and how much I value him, it's not because of what he does for me, it's him. Any Tom, Dick, or Harry can do XYZ. But I don't want Tom, Dick or Harry. I want HIM because of who he is. So why is it so difficult for me to view myself in the same way? Because it's scary, that's why. Because there is a false sense of control when you think that you're loved because of what you do. AND, it's another rendition of: "He doesn't love me." .......ugh......

And now, it's time to walk it.
 
What @windblown said is true. As wives we have no right to feel jealousy over our husbands. I try to remind myself of this often. Sometimes it’s enough to quell my current issues. I’m REALLY trying to grasp this better. :)

However, everything you’ve posted here, @NurseMo, is also important. It’s important because our worth IS who we are and not what we do. I’ve struggled all my life to feel my worth. And like you said in one of the above posts, plural can exacerbate those, already held, insecurities.

It’s why I’ve been trying more to see myself how God sees me. :) It’s kind of difficult to do, to be honest.

Another thought I have... What’s the worst that can happen? He loves my SW more? She’s better than me at everything? He prefers her over me? He decides to leave me? If any of those happen or are happening, I guess there’s nothing I can do to control that. So, whatever happens, happens. Having Jesus makes all that easier to stomach. :)

Thank you for posting this. Mostly because I know it’s something you’re dealing with and I appreciate your sharing. :)
 
NurseMo said:
" a trap is believing that your partner values and loves you for what you do, not for who you are. The danger in making this assumption is that it can lead to the thought that if someone else does the things you do better than you do them, your partner can replace you with that person. In truth, people are not interchangeable. Even if someone else shares all your interests, does all the things you do, and behaves the same way you do in your relationship, you still stand alone. The things that give you value are unique to you; the same experience with two different people has two different and unique flavors. You can not be replaced, not even by someone who does all the same things you do—because it is who you are as a person that makes you special. Don’t look to things outside yourself for specialness; don’t assume “I am special because I am the only one that my partner does thus-and-such with” or “I am special because I am the only person who knows thus-and-such about my partner.” An idea of specialness that depends on things outside yourself can easily lead to insecurity, because if someone else does those things, then you won’t feel special any more. On the other hand, an idea of specialness that comes from within can never be taken away."
Click to expand...


Love, love, love!

NurseMo, I just want to hug you....and give you a "high-five". lol May you put these things and the truth of God's Word in your heart that it might flow out of your mouth and spirit for His Glory.
 
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