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Are you a second, third or other wife?

Hi Dragonfly
I am always curious as to how people come up with their ID names. Mine came because Randy gave it to me. Anyway, I am glad you are part of our group. I am looking forward to getting to know about you.

Lissa
 
Hello ladies! I finally have something other than "dial-up" (a real answer to prayer, let me tell you!!) We have Alltel Wireless Internet (through the cell phone service -- thanks Lissa for having yours with you in FL and telling me about it :D )....... To introduce myself to those who don't already know me, I am first wife of 33 years - with 7 children and 17 grandchildren. Although we had talked - visited others - researched and studied the Word -- nothing can totally prepare you for being in a poly family - it's more like an "on the job training" life experience! It will truly shake all that is in you - and it is up to you to CHOOSE to become "better not bitter". How? By God's grace - and when you make that choice ("better") you will find God starts working the "Junk" out of you. No matter what we go through in life - it is not other people or our circumstances that are ever the "real" problem anyway -- it is what we think, dwell on, and decide to do that makes (or breaks) us! I found that some things that I had been able to bury (some very deep!) in all my earlier years - got so "loud" that I HAD to deal with them or I would have gone crazy for sure :? So, with God's help I worked on myself for many years, rather than trying to make everyone else "okay" for a change (I've learned we can't "fix" others anyway) -- and although I still have many challenges I have grown so much (emotionally AND spiritually) that I do not regret for a moment all the pain I've had to go through to get here b/c I have so much more peace inside and know that if I can make it through all I've been through up til now that I can make it to the end. (God calls us "overcomers", doesn't He? Well, I guess that pretty much implies there have to be things in life to "overcome" then ;) ) Just b/c I "feel" like giving up sometimes - doesn't mean I have to dwell on that feeling and then act on it. Instead, it just drives me to seek God more and more -- my relationship with Him and knowing I have to answer to Him alone (ultimately) for my decisions is my "bottom line"! I know that I know that if I am doing what I believe in my heart is what God is telling me to do - and I am aiming to please Him -- then even when I may not understand something, or totally agree with something, that He will do as He promised in Romans -- (Rom 14:4 Who art thou that judgest another man's servant? to his own master he standeth or falleth. Yea, he shall be holden up: for God is able to make him stand.)

Going back a bit......... telling friends and family and "others"........ we've learned not to "pre-judge" (for good or bad) how someone will react. I had one sister who, at the very beginning of it all, wrote every single family member a letter about our "sin" and to pray for us. We, of course, received a whole packet of information she had gathered from various christian organizations to "show us" our error so we could repent and get our lives right. Needless to say that caused quite a ruckus, for sure! The "up" side of that is we didn't have to figure out "how" to approach everyone - she made sure everyone knew about it. So, all that was left was to see how they each reacted. My other sister said it was my life, and she didn't understand, but I was her sister and she loved me and that was that. I had one brother who reacted the same way - although we are not as close (he just said it was my life to live how I choose). My mom isn't allowed to contact me anyway (that was long before this - b/c of stepfather and other reasons I had stood up to him about)........ so have no idea what she thought/thinks about it. My husband's family pretty much "flipped" and his mom even sent back his first child's (of new wife's) picture and said he was not her grandson. Well - God does restore -- since then she has come to terms with it all - and although she and his dad don't agree or understand - they came to visit - accepted their grandson - and since then we are "closer" to them than we have ever been (even though they are hundreds of miles away). Actually, up until now she had told me that she "tolerated" me -- but now has told me she loves me.......... (go figure!)

As for telling "friends" -- same thing -- very varied reactions! Some no longer spoke to us (not even in passing!) -- others took awhile to process it all and then decided we were friends - and that was that -- and others said from the beginning "it's your life" (even though none of them agreed or understood). It's kind of like Lissa says -- those that love us will love us - regardless -- (even though for some that means taking time to work through their own thoughts/issues about it before they come around - meaning accepting us whether they "approve" or not). It is hard sometimes - I totally agree -- and can relate with whoever said (can't remember) that they can be in the midst of a bunch of people and still feel "alone". Maybe that is b/c we know we are not "fully" being ourselves when we're surrounded by people that don't "know" - so it's almost like we're not "fully" there (what do you think?) That is what is most awesome about the retreats -- everyone can be fully themselves!

My children are all grown (21 and up) except one of our 13 yr. old granddaughters, whom we have raised ....... but will have to touch on them next time (I've already about written a book!) I don't get a chance to read and post often (but at least I DO get a chance now thanks to wireless - since it is much faster than dial-up :) )......... but, when I do my passion shows (love to write ;) )

It's so good to be able to connect now - a big thanks to everyone who helped put all this (web site) together! We are believing God to bring us to the Dallas retreat this fall -- already looking forward to it!

Shari
 
Lissa and All Who Are Curious :P ,

Thank you for the warm welcome. I, too, look forward to learning about you all.

Regarding my screen-name, my BFF from childhood and I are still good friends and we have had knicknames for each other. Mine is Dragonfly, for reasons I've since forgotten. I've gotten rather attached to it. :P

Side Note: If I could ask for a prayer request, if any of you pray - I need to get a job soon!! My husband is going to school full time, we just got into a new place, and the green stuff is disappearing quickly into bills and, well, life! Please pray for the Lord's hand to work and that I would open my heart and hands to whatever He would have me do. Almost two weeks has gone by and no job. Only a couple definitely-not-promising interviews, as the economy is in the pits.

Thank you for your curiosity and concern.

Sab
 
Hello all,

I have finally made time to catch up on the discussion boards after being gone for more than a week after the retreat. A BIG thank you to all the ladies who helped in so many ways at the Memorial Day Retreat. I couldn't have done it with out you!!! I truly enjoyed having all those who came in my home. It is such a good time, a time to be "ourselves" as Shari put it. I also had a special blessing of my mom coming in from WA (for my niece's graduation) the Sunday of the retreat. She helped me do laundry, clean bathrooms and just pick up in general. She was a life saver! We are looking forward to the Oregon Retreat and praying for great things in Texas also. Ladies, please pray for Randy, Todd and Nathan as they continue to walk in His will for their lives and create community in all different ways for those at BiblicalFamilies.org.

Shari, it is so nice to have you posting. Finally, someone who writes more than I do. :) Love you, Love you Love you!

Welcome Dragon Fly, we will definitely be praying for that job.

Hope for the Future,
Julie
 
Love you, too, Julie :D I do have to watch it when I write - I can get carried away! I really want to encouarge everyone to do their very best to get to a retreat. The more we talk about it (in our home) the more we know we are supposed to be at the one in TX. We honestly don't know "how" it's all going to work out for us to get there - but, then isn't that what faith is all about...... knowing where God is leading doesn't mean we have to know all the details (believe me, that is NOT something I learned overnight -- I used to be addicted to having to "figure out" literally everything - past, present and future!)....... faith is knowing what God has told us & then trusting Him to work out the details (and walking in them as He sometimes only shows us one step at a time :) but, I have learned that's "okay".)

Well, I was just going to mention that we have decided that since God has put in our hearts to be at the TX retreat - He will make a way -- and then I take off on another whole topic (faith). That is what happens to me when I write - my thoughts become words and kind of get a life of their own ;) I really can't wait to meet as many of you as can be there (in TX). All those I have come to know have been such an encouragement and blessing to me - even though our times together go by so quickly (and seem so short)..... it is really great that we all can connect now on here as well.

Back to the topic (of how this thread began.....) I was thinking about how what we focus on affects our thinking and then in turn our actions toward one another..... particularly in a plural family. Say, being a "first wife", we are thinking about what we had (or have had) to "give up" by another wife coming into the family. If we allow our minds to continue down that path, before you know it we start to believe we've been cheated out of something, or start to feel jealous, angry, or even rebellious (to both our husband and toward God). The same thing can happen to a "second wife"....... say, they start thinking about what "first wife" already may have and maybe they don't have yet (depending on how much later a second wife comes along may be more or less "stuff" the "first wife" already has) or they focus on things they "can't have" (due to laws - like no "legal" document to show they are a "wife" for example)........ if they allow their minds to continue down that path they may start believing they are somehow a "second rate" wife - or worse, "not really a wife at all" and if they continue down that path of thought they may also develop feelings similar feelings (feeling "cheated" in life, envious, angry, and rebellious). If there is a lot of strife in the home you can pretty much guess that everyone's thought life is not godly at that point in time. ALL of those kinds of thoughts are lies - from the enemy of our souls -- and will never bring about ANY "Good Fruit".

So, one of the things we ALL have in common - whether we are a "first, second, or other wife" - is we ALL have to deal with thoughts that come up in our minds that can not only be harmful to us - but our entire family. With God's help, we can choose His way of thinking - which comes from His love in us - and each of us can put ourselves in the "other's shoes". When we get our focus off ourselves - truly putting God first - HE will make sure ALL our needs are met (but that is another topic :) )..... and keep our minds full with positive and loving thoughts towards one another (renewing our minds with God's Word - daily) ..... and do like Paul said to "STRIVE to live in peace" (meaning it does take effort to do so)........ our homes will become full of Peace instead of Strife (much more enjoyable for everyone!)

A good saying I heard recently is "Strife is the manifest presence of the devil. Peace is the manifest presence of God". I don't know about you, but I want the Peace 8-)

Okay, so I've written a book again......... (you can always tell when I'm writing from home or work -- at work my break is timed so can only write so much! :lol: )

Blessings to you all!

Shari
 
Shari,
As usual you have managed to hit the nail squarely (roundly) on the head. I often catch myself feeling second rate. I often get caught in the trap of feeling like less of a wife. So here, in the presence of my sisters, I would ask you all to pray for me. And that we all pray for each other, that none of us feel this way, no matter which order we came into our husband's lives. We are not second rate, God tells us that throughout the bible. So if God tells us that we are not second rate, well I guess we ought to believe him. Conversely if it isn't God telling us that we are second rate it must be the other guy, and I for one have spent way too much of my life listening to his junk.

So I want to ask that we all pray for one another. We all have needs, but the biggest one would be that we all see ourselves as God sees us, and that we all strive to be the best wives we can be. "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all these things shall be added unto you." Matthew 6:33. Lets all try this week to seek first the kingdom of God.

Lets try to see ourselves through the eyes of a man who willingly died for us. And lets try to see ourselves through the eyes of a loving father.

Bless you all and have a wonderful week.

Lissa
 
Thank you for sharing, Lissa. God does tell us to "confess your faults one to another"......... I don't believe he meant to share exact details of our lives, but rather things like what you shared - areas we struggle in. That same liar who tells us all things like we are second rate (or even worse lies sometimes!) is the same one who wants us to feel like we are the ONLY ones struggling with something. Anytime he can make us feel "isolated" he has built a major stronghold in our lives (through our own minds). You know that same liar that says to one they are second rate - may say to another they are being replaced (no longer needed, useful, important, not "enough" --- some of the personal "first wife" lies from that old serpent!).

I am with you ........ Thank God HE has given us His Word - where we find WHO HE SAYS we are - in Christ. We are all valued and important and have a God-ordained purpose right in the very place He put us :) That leaves us free to do as you remind us to - "seek first His kingdom".... Anytime we feel in 'bondage' we can be sure that old liar is at work in our minds........ but, Jesus said the "truth will set you free"! We receive that truth by faith - taking God at His Word.

I think it's important to remember that true faith never puts pressure on others - and doesn't try to put pressure on God, either, regarding what "we" want, think or desire. True faith is just taking hold of what has already been given to us by God's grace (through the work Jesus already accomplished!) So, I agree with you - that we lift eachother up in prayer that we may be able to see both ourselves - and others - through God's eyes of Grace!

I do want you to know, that your sharing so honestly about your own struggles gives hope and encouragement to me - and I am sure to others, too!

I hope everyone has a very blessed weekend!

Shari
 
I wish we were closer so that we could all just join hands and pray together. As Nathan so cutely put it in his introduction, I am sending you all e-hugs.

I feel like you are all my cybersisters.

Lissa
 
Hello everyone! I feel the need to apologize for not posting before this. I am really about as new to chatting, e-mails, forums and such as I am to accepting biblical polygyny. :oops: I hope to make more time to be a part of this wonderful online family, though. I enjoyed so very much meeting everyone who was at the Florida retreat! I went through a crash course on the biblical perspective on plural marriage and was still not really convinced that I believed what I believed when I arrived! I expected to feel awkward and prepared myself to make excuse to leave, but was surprised to find myself having a blast and experiencing true Christian fellowship! My head had already acknowledged what God's Word says but my heart and emotions were not keeping up! ;) After spending time with all the families at the retreat, I started to realize that the day was drawing to a close and I was going to miss my new friends! I learned so much from all of you and feel truly blessed to have gotten to know you. I know I still have (and always will have) some points on which I am struggling, but my perspective has been completely transformed. Previously, I could not conceive how or why anyone would choose a plural family. Now, however, I see the potential for a very loving, and dare I say beautiful, family. I still have my moments of doubt, but I have recently shocked myself (and my husband even more so) by having thoughts of concern for anyone who may join our already larger than average family. I had been so busy before worrying about my own feelings and telling my husband how selfish he was (the irony! :) ), that I hadn't really given too much thought to how it would feel to be a second or additional wife. If our family ever expands in this way, I want to have a good foundation in place to make every member of our family feel included and loved. The only thing that saddened me at the retreat was that some of the families had a rift between them that I would hope (hey, call me overly-optimistic) to minimize if not prevent entirely. I don't want there to be a time where anyone feels left out, unloved, or like less of our family. Either we believe that we are all a family or not. I know that any time you put two or more people together there will be personality conflicts and trials, but, I also believe based on what I observed that there are a lot of issues that can be avoided. I would like some advice on how to prevent any distance from developing between any of the members of the family. Is there any key thing that could have been done differently to have made your initial experience with plural marriage have gone more smoothly? What are some things that you have changed that have improved the family relationship the most? How do you help an additional wife to feel just as valid as a first wife, especially when there is so much persecution from outside telling her otherwise? Are there any problems getting all the kids to accept each other? What are some key secrets to the success of all living in the same home? (I hate the thought of seperate houses. Please do not take offense if that is the method that works best for your family.) I am also curious, for those of you who have chosen to be an additional wife, what influenced your decision? It is neither an easy nor a comfortable choice to make! As a second wife, what do you say to family, friends and coworkers? How do you handle questions when you are all together in public, like a restaraunt? Our family already gets grilled whenever we go somewhere because we have 6 kids! People often ask," Are they all yours?" How easy (or difficult) is it to love the children of the other wife(ves)? Are there issues similar to those of blended families where divorce has occured? I think I have asked too many questions now! :oops: I would really appreciate it if some of you would share your experiences so that I (and others like me) may learn and benefit. I highly respect your opinions and would love to learn how to have a more unified family. I look forward to all of your expertise! ;) Thank you in advance for sharing.

Your Sister in Christ,
Rebecca
 
Rebecca,
Can a person really ask too many questions? I don't think so. daPastor always laughs when I say "can I ask you a question?" Well, I do that constantly and sometimes it irritates him but mostly it just amuses him. But for such a quiet one, you sure do have a lot to say. First of all, I was so blessed to meet you and to spend time your family. Your children are such loving little people. Of course that little Nathaniel got right into my heart.

I am so happy that you have come to a deeper understanding. This way of life is not simple by any means. I am not sure how I came to the decision to make this my lifestyle. Yes, I love daPastor, so much that I can't imagine a day without him. But I love Theresa as well. She is bright and funny and brings out the best in me. Their children (all grown) have not come to a place of acceptance about me, but the grandkids that they are raising love me and I love them. I think that children come to acceptance faster than anyone else because they are such open little personalities. I believe that they stay that way until they become teenagers and public opinion suddenly means everything to them. Unfortunately we never really get over that.

As far as my side of things goes. My sisters don't approve and than has kept me from telling the rest of my family. My mother is probably the most judgemental person on the planet especially when it comes

to me. So I have not shared this experience with her. Friends, are a different matter. I have found that among the friends I have told, that they pretty much accept me for me. They know I am a bit nutty, but they love me anyway. They have seen me walk through lots of unhappiness, so they just want me to be happy. They know how I feel about daPastor and Theresa and the grandkids and so they just accept it for what it is. Of course, it is funny that most of my friends are more liberal than I am.

I have lots of suggestions for a first wife. You can take them and pick and choose which ones are meaningful. First, remember that the new wife has a completely different relationship with the husband than you do. Don't hold that against her. Don't get jealous. Jealousy hurts people. Remember that she will probably feel like an outsider. After all after years of living with this man, you (the first wife) already know how to finish his sentences. You have family jokes and stories that she knows nothing about. She already feels like a stranger in a strange land. Remember that her motivation is not to replace you but to be a part of something that is bigger. If you want this relationship to work, you must get to know her as a friend. Be interested in her. Find out what makes her tick and try to welcome that new facet to your family. Make her welcome and don't always be looking for negative stuff. Now that you have realized that it isn't just about him and his "selfish desires" then take that to the next level. This isn't just another woman, this woman is going to share your living space, your children, your husband and your life. Embrace her and make it richer for your friendship. Rebecca, you are a beautiful woman with a heart as big as the grand canyon. Any woman would be honored to call you a friend.

 
Hi girls,

What if we lived out in the family (especially in the marriage) as we’re instructed to in the greater body of Christ? Our household was in I Corinthians 12:14-27 this morning. It’s incredible, as applied to polygyny, for wives and children. If each family is a mini-church, try reading it like this:

“For the [family] is not one member, but many. If [child A] should say, ‘Because I am not [child B], I am not a part of the [family],’ he is not for this reason any the less a part of the [family].

And if [first wife] should say, ‘Because I am not [second wife], I am not a part of the [family],’ she is not for this reason any the less a part of the [family].

If the whole family were [second wife], where would the [first wife’s strengths and beauty] be? If the whole were [first wife’s strengths and beauty], where would the [second wife’s strengths and beauty] be?

But now God has placed the members, each one of them, in the [family], just as He desired....

...and those members of the [family], which [society] deems less honorable, on these we bestow more abundant honor....

...that there should be no division in the [family], but that the members should have the same care for one another. And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with [her]; if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with [her].

Now you are Christ’s [family], and individually members of it.”

What if, upon the second wife moving in, I asked her to list all her favorite domestic chores, and all her least favorite? What if I could minimize the need for her to do the least favorite? What if I asked her to re-decorate several areas of the house, or to re-arrange some furniture including hers, depending on the budget and space? What if I constantly put myself in her shoes, and always sought to bless her?

If we compare the body to the church, and therefore to the family, then we might also compare a first wife to a mature Christian, and a second or third wife as a new Christian. The new wife lends excitement in her new status, accepted into the family because of the groom, the same as a new Christian gives all the older Christians a shot in the arm as we remember our first love, Jesus. The older Christians, in turn, are ready to give support to the new Christian as hiccups, trials, or temptations come along. They keep advocating faith in Christ, even when He allows confusing things to occur. They keep pointing to His unconditional love, grace, and forgiveness, not in smug self-righteousness, but knowing that we’re all at the foot of the cross. And everyone is more grounded, yet revived in their passion for the kingdom. So could the relationship between the wives be. It would make the entire family stronger, shining a bright witness to the world of changed lives, living an impossible miracle in Christ.

What if the second wife had no children, and deeply desired them? I would love her so much, that I would do all I could to facilitate that. Giving her first place, first opportunity, preparing her even, as a sister for a date, watching the other children so they could have time, caring for her during pregnancy, being at her side during labor and delivery, cutting the cord with our husband, and handing her new baby to her: what a gift I wish I could give! I could help her through those sleepless nights up with the baby. Just one example.

I saw a special on TV recently about some former FLDS wives, some of whom had engaged in a power struggle with one another, with first wife being the sought-after position in a household. To manipulate one another, they sometimes would hurt or abuse the children of another wife. How sad. That would feel like life imprisonment, with no where to turn. We should pray for homes like that, and pray for a completely different heart. I’d love to hear practical examples in which those of you actually living a Christian polygynous life support and love your sister-wives as you abide under the covering of your husband. May those of us in a prayerful, waiting position learn from your experiences.

Maybe most of you have had “aha!” moments exactly like these long ago, but they are relatively new to me. How amazing is God?

Thanks, Deanne
 
Praise the Lord for sharing His wisdom with us! Thank you so much Lissa for your kind and encouraging words and for sharing your wise counsel. I actually expected you to be the first to respond to my post because you have such a great big wonderful heart! You always have something kind and insightful to say. May the Lord bless you for always being so positive, encouraging and affirming. :)

I am sorry about the people who have not yet accepted your choice of family. They are the ones who are missing out. It is so tragic that even in our modern world so full of "tolerance" that people will forsake their loved ones to chase after preconceived ideas and choose the ways of man rather than the ways of God. We only have one life to live and one chance to spend time with our family and friends and it is such a shame that some (myself having been included at times) choose to fritter that time (that we don't have promised to us) away with bitterness. :cry:

Thank you for reminding me that a new wife will need extra effort to help her adjust and that I should not perceive that as her trying to replace me. That was/is my toughest issue with the idea of plural marriage-feeling replaced as if I were now somehow defective or obsolete. I think I am finally really beginning to grasp, though, that my husband will love me for who I am and love another wife for who she is, without the love for either being diminished. He told me that from the beginning, but it has been a journey for me to feel it. When we first started discussing the subject it put a huge wall up between us for the first time in our marriage. We would be having a perfectly lovely day when one of us would think of something related to plural marriage and...snap, there would be this instant wall with him on the one side and I on the other. Now, however, that we openly and lovingly discuss it , each with respect and patience for the other, we have been bonded together closer than ever before! Our marriage that was suffering because of the idea of plural marriage is now revived and improved because of it! When there was that wall in our relationship, I could only perceive another wife making that wall bigger and thicker, (in fact I bet it would have, had we left the wall there) but now that I see that being open to the idea and discussing it honestly actually brings us closer together, I begin to feel more secure and less threatened by another wife joining our family. I do not want to enter into a competition that will hurt myself, her, our husband who is trapped in the middle, and our children. Most importantly, though, it would hurt our relationship with the Lord because we would be so self-focused rather than Christ-focused. How sad and lonely a road that would be to travel down. :cry:

I also appreciated what Deanne said about putting herself in the other woman's shoes. Isn't that so simple yet so profound? That is really the essence of what Jesus did and calls us to do. He came from His throne in heaven to this earth that He created (and we messed up) so that He could walk in our shoes (sandals) and die for our sins. Wow! What an awesome Saviour! Now, we are to love our neighbors (and sister wives, as applicable) as we love ourselves. [On a lighter note: Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. :lol: ] I have actually prayed that should my husband ever take a second wife and the two of them have children together, that she be able to bear him a son with brown hair so that there can be something special and new and significant between the two of them. This probably sounds really strange to anyone who has never met our family so please allow me to explain. We now have 6 children. Of those 6 we have 4 girls and 2 boys. Of the girls, 3 have brown hair and 1 has red. Both of our sons have red hair! Half of our family has red hair and the other half brown. That is why it would be special to have a son with brown hair. (Forgive me if this still sounds silly.) He and I already have so many special memories and "firsts" together, and I would want another wife to feel all the love and specialness I have felt being married. I wouldn't want to diminish the relationship that our family currently has with each other with jealousy or selfishness, but rather enhance and enrich it and share that with someone else by being open and self-sacrificial.

It is so refreshing to have a great group of people who love the Lord with whom I can openly discuss things and receive such love and insight! Thank you again for sharing with me the wisdom that God has shared with you. What a blessing.

Your Sister in Christ,
Rebecca
 
One thing I would like to do is to also be able to give advice to the second wives how not to try to take over, not to try to be "better" than the first wife and not to make the first wife feel replaced or unacceptable or any of those negative feelings. Down the road I think it would be good to have a first wife talk to a bunch of second wives and a second wife talk to a bunch of first wives. Just an effort to share the different aspects of the relationships.

Just a thought.

Lissa
 
To those who were aware and praying for me in my job search, first I want to say THANK YOU for your thoughts and prayers!! I got a job on July 3 (sorry the posting is late) and the future is looking brighter. I am absolutely convinced this was the job waiting for me, I was just too impatient to see that God is still in control and to seek His timing and not mine. So, thank you again. God is so good!

In keeping with the topic of what Lissa said, I really agree that we should come together. However, I am in the "still searching for the right person" boat and would love to talk with other ladies in the same boat. That said, it would only make sense to balance this out with talking with ladies who are already a "Biblical Family" so they could share their wisdom and experience with us.

I would love to talk with any of you. Just PM me and I will give you my contact info. Best wishes and prayers to all,
 
christaboveall said:
The only thing that saddened me at the retreat was that some of the families had a rift between them that I would hope (hey, call me overly-optimistic) to minimize if not prevent entirely. I don't want there to be a time where anyone feels left out, unloved, or like less of our family. Either we believe that we are all a family or not. I know that any time you put two or more people together there will be personality conflicts and trials, but, I also believe based on what I observed that there are a lot of issues that can be avoided. I would like some advice on how to prevent any distance from developing between any of the members of the family.

Your Sister in Christ,
Rebecca
Click to expand...

What rifts were there? I can't seem to remember...

I will elaborate more later on my second wife views.

Take care,
Ginny
 
Deanne said:
Hi girls,

What if we lived out in the family (especially in the marriage) as we’re instructed to in the greater body of Christ? Our household was in I Corinthians 12:14-27 this morning. It’s incredible, as applied to polygyny, for wives and children. If each family is a mini-church, try reading it like this:

“For the [family] is not one member, but many. If [child A] should say, ‘Because I am not [child B], I am not a part of the [family],’ he is not for this reason any the less a part of the [family].

And if [first wife] should say, ‘Because I am not [second wife], I am not a part of the [family],’ she is not for this reason any the less a part of the [family].

If the whole family were [second wife], where would the [first wife’s strengths and beauty] be? If the whole were [first wife’s strengths and beauty], where would the [second wife’s strengths and beauty] be?

But now God has placed the members, each one of them, in the [family], just as He desired....

...and those members of the [family], which [society] deems less honorable, on these we bestow more abundant honor....

...that there should be no division in the [family], but that the members should have the same care for one another. And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with [her]; if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with [her].

Now you are Christ’s [family], and individually members of it.”

What if, upon the second wife moving in, I asked her to list all her favorite domestic chores, and all her least favorite? What if I could minimize the need for her to do the least favorite? What if I asked her to re-decorate several areas of the house, or to re-arrange some furniture including hers, depending on the budget and space? What if I constantly put myself in her shoes, and always sought to bless her?

If we compare the body to the church, and therefore to the family, then we might also compare a first wife to a mature Christian, and a second or third wife as a new Christian. The new wife lends excitement in her new status, accepted into the family because of the groom, the same as a new Christian gives all the older Christians a shot in the arm as we remember our first love, Jesus. The older Christians, in turn, are ready to give support to the new Christian as hiccups, trials, or temptations come along. They keep advocating faith in Christ, even when He allows confusing things to occur. They keep pointing to His unconditional love, grace, and forgiveness, not in smug self-righteousness, but knowing that we’re all at the foot of the cross. And everyone is more grounded, yet revived in their passion for the kingdom. So could the relationship between the wives be. It would make the entire family stronger, shining a bright witness to the world of changed lives, living an impossible miracle in Christ.

What if the second wife had no children, and deeply desired them? I would love her so much, that I would do all I could to facilitate that. Giving her first place, first opportunity, preparing her even, as a sister for a date, watching the other children so they could have time, caring for her during pregnancy, being at her side during labor and delivery, cutting the cord with our husband, and handing her new baby to her: what a gift I wish I could give! I could help her through those sleepless nights up with the baby. Just one example.
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This thread is so old but I am rather new to the board so I'm trying to catch up. I just had to say Deanne's post here brought me to tears. As a first wife, I pray that I would have that heart of love and sacrifice for my SW from this day forward. I have had glimpses of that vision from the LORD, but I ashamedly admit there has been a lot of selfishness to work through. Reading her post just confirms that it truly is all about love...if only everyone else could see that...especially "Christians" who are so quick to condemn PM as a major sin. They don't even see that it is an opportunity to be like Christ day in and day out.
 
I guess I am a second wife, although my husbands first wife left him a long time ago. After I married my husband I came under condemnation, and thought I was an adulterer. My husbands first wife left him and divorced him, which I now see as not even valid in God's sight. So he married me 10 years later. After much study I have come to the conclusion that Polygamy is not adultery, and not an abomination in God's sight. I believe that I am to honor my commitment to him, and him to me, I also think that he is to honor his commitment to his first wife. We both believe that , but practically speaking have no idea what that would look like if she ever decided to come back. What do you guys think about this, I guess I am a second rate polygamists wife, hehe. Not quite the REAL DEAL. Do you guys think I am on the right track in my thinking? This has really been a tough couple of years, wondering whether I should leave my husband or not, or am I going to hell for continuing in adultery.... Glad to find your site.
 
Every biblical marriage is a little different. We all got to where we are in a different way. I will tell you that you are not a second rate anything. Any woman who can say "I believe my husband must honor his committment to his first wife" and be willing to put her money where her mouth is is a woman of honor in my book.

Of course you shouldn't leave your husband, at least not over this. You have studied and found that God doesn't find this arrangement a sin. You are welcome to stay with him all the days of your life and love him to the best of your ability. We are all in this together and I am glad you stopped in to tell us a little about yourself.

SweetLissa
 
Dear inChrist,

I think this is such an interesting topic. Could a "divorced" (in the eyes of the law) wife return to her husband after he has married another wife and have it work? I have only known of one family that did that and it was after about 20 years separation I think. Unfortunately, I don't know if it worked out long term, they had just reunited when I learned of them. But what a miracle!! I wonder sometimes if God will start to restore broken marriages thru polygyny.

I certainly agree with all that Lissa said. I also want to add a thought. It really doesn't matter if you are the second or fifth wife. You have the same "rights" as all the other wives. We just tend to use the lableling of numbers to help us understand the dynamics, if you will, of plural families. In God's eyes you are just as important as the "first" wife or the "fifth" wife. You will bring your own specialness to the family!

Hope for the future,
Julie
 
Hello all! I think I had posted this before, if not here it goes. My DH committed and sealed (with a sexual union) a relationship with my best friend a long time ago. She left. Then I came into the pic. She and him were technically married first and I technically the second. We did not realize this until recently (a year or so). We have found her, on Facebook and I sent her a message just asking to be friends and apologizing for anything wrong I did to her in the past. I don't know if she will want to talk to me. Last time I saw her (over 9 years now) she refused to talk to me. What do you think? Should I try to connect with her? And how do you bring up the idea that she could come back to DH? she is currently not in a relationship as far as we know. Thanks. Take care. :)
 
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