What are some practical things you can do to set your plural marriage up for success from the beginning?
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How can you set your marriage up for success?
- Thread starter indigenouspolygynist
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Get well grounded in the Word of God, and keep the focus on what stands written. If someone allows emotions to take over, you're fighting a battle with no boundaries and that won't go well.
What ever makes for succesful marrige with one wife done with each wife plus making wives like spending time together.
I don't think that's very helpful. Obviously, there are a lot of new potential problems when you add another person to the relationship.
Definitely a good idea, but what about practical steps to take? Are there any specific boundaries, habits, etc. that are helpful to prevent the dynamics from getting toxic?
You cant control your wife's emotions when you can barely control your own! How about working on your own character attributes BEFORE you get a wife or two or three?
Here's one- how about just being a nice guy to be around. Far too many are just jerks and not pleasant to be around. Why would any woman want to be around that? Not many.
Here's one- how about just being a nice guy to be around. Far too many are just jerks and not pleasant to be around. Why would any woman want to be around that? Not many.
Did I say something to offend you?
Gotcha. I thought you were directing that at me personally lol.
If you want something more specific, you need to be more specific.
I can't give you good advice without knowing specifics because advice has to fit person(s) and situation.
This is actually really good advice, it sounds simple but often goes unsaid, and is still very important.
What step are you on so far? Are you single, married, or already have more than one wife?
Assumption: You want Christian marriage(s), or you would not be here.
General advice:
Step #1: Read your Bible and study to understand what Christian marriage is. It is very different from Western civilization's marriage, which has now morphed into a do-what-you-want partnership of some sort with various members. Christian marriage is a very specific relationship.
Step #2: Understand that the roles in the relationship are different. They are not the same.
Step #3: Do your role as best you can. There is always room for improvement. Commit to that improvement as obedience to God. This is a never-ending task, in the same way that sanctification is a never-ending task in this life.
Step #4: We are to be obedient to God, but God does not force us to be obedient to him. It is our choice whether to do so or not. Do likewise with your wife(s). Expect obedience, but do not force her. She has to decide on her own to do it. That is her job before the Lord. You can help by doing your job better.
Step: #5: Do all of the above as an act of love, in the same way that Christ loves us.
Note: Not all Christian marriages will be polygynous, but all truly Christian marriages should be capable of it.
Maybe this all too theoretical instead of practical, but I believe it is vital that you get the above correct, to put "make sure you take out the trash regularly" in perspective. If you realize the you are trying to reflect and tell the story of Christ and the Church in your marriage(s) then this answers lots of practical questions, which is why Paul taught it. Paul was not just teaching theoretical theology. He wanted his readers to have good solid Christian marriages.
Note: For what it is worth (so you know whence comes the advice), I have one wife, and we have been married for 43 years.
I'm married. There's a potential person to join our family. My wife isn't 100% on board yet. It seems like she's excited about it sometimes, then at other times, she has that realization that it means sharing me, and she gets upset about it. I don't want to do this if it hurts our relationship. F2 is a wonderful person who would fit perfectly with our entire family, so I'm hoping she'll get some clarity once they meet. But if they don't get along, I would absolutely not push this any further.
I'll do that. What specific differences do you see between the two, and where would you start reading on the topic?
Yeah, that may not be "practical" advice, but it's still important stuff to keep in mind. Out of curiosity, what brings you to the forum if you don't practice it yourself?
You sound like you are doing a lot of things well already. You understand that her feelings can be all over the map and not the same day to day and that is OK. That is nothing to panic about.
You understand that you want to build something special. You are not just upgrading or adding for adding's sake. You highly value your existing relationship and are clear you do not want to lose what you already have.
You do not have a side relationship. You are facilitating your wife and your potential meeting and are hoping that they get along well. You want to build a big strong family.
You might want to encourage your wife to join the ladies chat on here if she is not already on. She may find that helpful.
All looks good so far, so I do not have any more specific advice for you except to not to be in a hurry. Let it grow organically. If it is meant to be and God's will it will happen.
Keep up the great job and let us know how it goes!
Christian Marriage is not a "partnership" or "power couple". It is a mission and calling designed to tell the Gospel message by reflecting the relationship between Christ and the Church (or if described more generically: God's love for man which is the theme of the Bible).
I am one of those long time members. Of course, when I started out I did not know that I would only have one wife. When one starts one imagines about a dozen wives, but the truth is, if you are serious it is not so easy to find a God-fearing woman who would be an asset to your family (and one reason that if you do find one be careful not to let her go). I did propose to another woman once, but she would not answer. I explained to her that no answer was a an answer of no, but still could not get an answer. It got awkward and then went downhill. I tried to stay friends with her but eventually that did not work either. I remain open to the idea in general, but I retired in the last year and do not have the resources that I once did, and I am happy and content as I am. We have 8 grandchildren now. If there are more wives in my future God will have to do all of the work.
"F2 is a wonderful person who would fit perfectly with our entire family" - If this is true, your wife may not realize or understand this now, but you are your whole family have been highly blessed and favored by the Lord.
Maybe I should say this, too, as a warning: there will be birthing pains. Pain and hurt. Just like there (usually) is in monogamous marriage.
Maybe with polygamy, it is squared, not doubled.
When you have a baby there is pain and hurt, but the result is worth the pain, or so I am told, never having gone through it personally.
It will take a lot of wisdom and leadership skill on your part.
You have to keep focused on the vision and doing it for the right reasons of which the #1 reason should be being pleasing and obedient to God, and him using you and your family as an example and shining light for others.
Your wife(s) need to see this and believe this of you. If they suspect that this is not the case there will be more questions, more doubt, and more problems. Respect goes a long way. Let them see that you are on a mission, show them the vision, and encourage them to join you on that vision and mission.
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Problem is nice guys are too often subservient and allow women to run over them. This will result in divorce after she gets enough of ick feeling.
My wife just registered today. I'm not sure if she's done anything on here yet. She's been busy taking care of everyone today. I'm indisposed at the moment. A couple ladies reached out saying they'd like to talk to her. I'm nervous. I hope that goes well.
Thank you for all your kind words!
That's an interesting perspective. You don't often hear that, even in churches, but I think you're right.
That's really hard. It's a very difficult subject to bring up in our society. You really had to put yourself out there to propose the idea to her. I'm sorry it didn't turn out well for you.
I want to be extremely cautious in how I approach F2 because I don't want to scare her off before she knows me well. My hope is that I can have her around the family so much that she can start to see how she would fit in before I ever propose the idea -- if I ever get to that point. It would scare off nearly any woman if someone she just met proposed such a crazy thing, but I think she may be receptive once she has a solid understanding of who we are.
I've already been extremely blessed with the family I have. We both came from very dysfunctional, broken families. We're creating the family we've always dreamed of. It's very hard to do it with no support. My wife works very hard 24/7, taking care of our family. She's beautiful, caring, and loving. I'm afraid people outside of this forum may never understand this, but I absolutely love my wife. I have a lot of specific things I wish I could say about how great she is, but I don't want to share any identifying information publicly.
I have no idea how things will go with F2. They haven't even met yet. I believe they have the potential to be very close friends, which is why I'm interested in her. I like her too, but I'm mainly interested in how she would fit into our family as a whole. My kids have met her and they loved her. They kept talking about her when we got home.
I'm trying to tread very carefully here because I'm afraid of doing anything that could be damaging to our family. I never would have brought this up with my wife at all if it was anyone else. I just couldn't imagine someone who's a better fit for our entire family. I think being able to share our lives with her would be an incredible blessing for all of us. I'm already incredibly blessed, and the thought of having both of these women in my family is absolutely overwhelming. Most people never even get one perfect wife. If I had both of them, I would feel as rich as Solomon.
"Nice guys" aren't nice at all. They just lack confidence and they don't handle rejection well. Being kind hearted is a different thing. No one wants to be with a cruel person.