I'm really struggling

[primrose]

Is this not a bit of an oxymoron though? To desire, is not to be content. To be content, is not to desire. How can you desire, also while being content?

Not to me. I see it differently than you and I’m fine with that. To me, how someone feels about one person isn’t entangled into another. A man is also not wired like a woman so while her feelings, thoughts, people, experiences might all be intertwined and connected, a man can separate each into its own compartment. So yes, I can see how a husband being content with his wife is separate. Again, I see things differently than you and that’s okay. You and I don’t need to see things the same way or agree. I don’t expect to change your mind nor will you change mine.

When it comes to the number of wives a man obtains, what constitutes as excess?

That’s also not an absolute. Some men are unable to properly love and provide for even one wife. That’s between them and God.

I've seen arrangements where you have one man, multiple women, and some of those wives don't see their husband for weeks on end, all because he is trying to split time between them fairly.

There are any number of arrangements so I will not address each individual one. There are plenty of examples, good and bad, in various types of marriages both monogamous and plural so, to me, to each their own. I can only speak for me. I do not live plural but I don’t think it’s wrong. If it happened someday, I trust that everything will be fine. If it stayed the two of us, my husband and I are fully content. What I have seen is my marriage has grown deeper, stronger and we’re closer than ever. I personally like that my husband knows he can talk to me about anything and I’m there for him. Nobody else has to understand it or agree with how I see things.
You are set in your beliefs regarding plural and I respect that. There is nothing else to discuss with me since I am not trying to convince you otherwise nor do I have any interest in debating or justifying my perspective to anyone.
I empathize with the hurt you are feeling in your marriage right now and for that I pray that the two of you work through it to a loving resolution. Take care

 

[LDremoved]

If I were a first wife, i'm not sure if I could handle it either. That's hypocritical of me because i'd like to be an additional wife someday but i'll still never understand how first wives get past their emotions. I think of the times that I thought I was in love and I agree with you, I couldn't have pictured the man I love with another woman.

I think it's perfectly natural to want your husband for yourself, i'd like to blame it on a selfish feminist society, teaching women that we can have it all but throughout history people have had both monogamous and polygamists relationships. I don't think it has to be one way or the other, I think it's an option. If that option is important to your husband and you believe him to be the leader then trusting him is important, I realize that's easier said than done but talk to him about your fears, tell him the truth about your worries and trust him when he tells you the reasoning behind his intentions.

 

[windblown]

Before coming to Christ, I've had a very rough childhood filled with lots of trials and traumas. My parents divorced at an early age, my brother died next to me in a major car accident at the age of 8. I was 10 at the time. After this, my dad became addicted to opioids, my mom did cocaine and suffers from schizophrenia, having severe mental breaks till this day. These things, just to name a few.

I became a hardhearted atheist and backbiter who hated God and mocked the faith. Until I met my husband, who witnessed to me the Gospel and saving Grace of Christ, of which I was ignorant to. Eventually I came to faith, God answering me in prayer and healing my heart of so much of the pain I felt from my past. The biggest being the pain over the death of my brother, which He healed instantly - miraculously. I haven't cried over my little bro since.

My husband is a huge part of my testimony. I love this man beyond all of these limited human words. I have no doubt in my heart and mind God brought us together. However, the past few months he's come to the conclusions many of you here have come to about polygamous marriage within the bible. And it has been incredibly painful for me, to say the least.

I know my post may echo others here in that I feel incredibly heartbroken, betrayed, like I'm not good enough, etc. And in all of this he tells me he's not interested in seeking another wife, yet I know his desire is there for it and that alone kills me inside.

To picture him with another woman, to have him share a bed with another woman, to choose between either me or her or 3 or 4 or 5 (because really, where does it stop?), to kiss her, hold her, watch her carry his children as I have, and see him look at her with the same looks that he's only ever given me, is too hard of a thought for me to bare. It makes me feel mentally, physically and emotionally ill. I've even had suicidal and other dark thoughts. We've fought over this several times now. And we've never had fights before, making this feel unnecessarily divisive in our marriage, home and walk with God.

This truly feels like a big stumbling block for me. I've questioned God and His goodness. I've been there before and don't want to ever be there again, knowing what all Christ has done for me. But I have a hard time feeling like if I don't want to ever be in a polygamous marriage, that would makes me a disobedient wife, when in every other way I am loyal, faithful and try my best to be subject to my husband as the scriptures say. I would never leave my husband, but would only consider it if another woman walked through our door. That would literally have to be it. Because this feels like it goes against my entire conscience. I'm not strong enough for this, nor do I want any part of it.

I remember hating this site in the beginning. It would make me sick to my stomach when I knew my husband was on here. I can relate to most of your posts. The pain is crushing, I know. Mad respect just for coming on here (in obedience) and expressing yourself as you did. You sound like a much better wife than I was…

 

[julieb]

@HisSteadfastLove, I am just reading this thread today and don't know if you will be back to read what I am writing but I wanted to add a few more thoughts to the conversation. First, @windblown is so right about you being a good woman to come on this site and try and understand, what must seem like insanity to you, that your husband is sharing with you about marriage. Second, I would like to pull the camera out if you will and take a more macro look at things, specifically the condition of your faith foundation with God. What is the condition of your relationship with God? Is it conditional? Unconditional? I remember once telling God that if my son died at a young age (he was in his early 20s then) that I didn't think I could follow, believe or whatever you want to call it, Him anymore. The pain of losing my son, of Him letting ME down, betraying ME essentially would be too much for ME to bare. Instantly, the spirit inside me said, "Really, so that is where we stand after all the years of protection, of love, of supernatural healing I gave you, and of blessings! You are willing to chuck it all away if I so decide to bring your son home to me? I blessed you with your son. Are you the master of his fate? Or am I?" That day I had to give my son to God and decide to follow Christ no matter what happened in my life. My son will probably live a very long life and he will bury me first, as it should be. The point of this story is that God might be asking you to trust Him in a very new way, on a new level if you will. Plural marriage might not ever happen for your family but the truth of it still stands, are you willing to listen if God is trying to teach you something new? Are you willing to follow God and your husband into whatever God has planned for your family, or more distinct, for your husband? You say you have sacrificed all these things for your husband, for your marriage, those are all good things but God says obedience is better than sacrifice. Are you willing to ask God to show you the truth about Biblical marriage, no matter what that might be? Again, it is not really about the subject it is about faith, obedience, about spiritual maturity. From your posts, it seems like you are already a good ways down that road, and you have a good beginning foundation with God. You can stand still if you choose to and have a pretty good life but I encourage you to allow yourself to push thru the immediate fears and start asking God to reveal to you the things He wants you to learn thru this conversation with your husband. I think you will be amazed at what you learn. Not to say it will be an easy conversation but if it is of God then it will be a good thing.

Lastly, you stated that this discussion of another wife "offends you", I would challenge you to understand that it really just SCARES you. The new and unknown are very scary for sure, and Satan would love nothing better than to stop any spiritual growth coming your way. Love is the only true cure for fear. Hold on to your husband's love and God's love as you seek the answers to your questions. Blessings to you!