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New to pm... Our story begins.

R

Rda

New Member
So here I go, I am sitting here taking a bubble bath, praying and writing to you all trying to clear my mind, on the first night that DH (I like that you guys call them that, it makes me smile) is sleeping downstairs with our or do I say my new sw. I have spent the last week or so pouring through this site researching pm and how it works and how others feel about it. I don't know where to start or how much to say, but figured tonight was as good as any to start telling our story in the hopes that you lovely women might become a source of comfort and wisdom on this road we are officially headed down. At this point in the game I could use all the prayers I can get to help me with my insecurities and fears. Thank you in advance for all who do bless us with your prayers.


As for us, we are just starting out down what looks to be an... Exciting but trying road. I am a type A personality, I like planning, orginizing, and well control. Non of which I feel like I have at this moment. Sigh :? (I'm trying not to write a book here, but...) my husband and I have been married for almost 4 years now, we have 2 beautiful children ( 2 yo son and a 5 month old daughter) we met our new sw in the childwatch at the gym we go to. She would watch our son while we worked out. We had been looking for someone to rent our doenstairs for a while but wanted someone who could watch our son in exchange for cheaper rent... Anyways she moved in around July right around the time our daughter was born. This was after she started coming over to hang out and help watch our son while my DH rebuilt our back deck. DH and her had become pretty good friends as they have a lot in common and are the so much alike in so many ways. She was actually in the hospital with us when our daughter was born.

I will go ahead and skip forward... She lost her job and we said she could be our nanny until she found something else, with me working full time my DH stays home with the kids so they became really close, at which point DH began making comments about wanting to keep her, I would smile and agree that it was nice to have the help. Not quite realizing what he ment by it. DH and I had been dealing with our own issues mainly I'm not the most submissive wife, and stuggle to follow him as the head of the house. He would say that I was t supporting him in his ideas or dreams, which I would agree with. Like I said I am a type A personality and was raised to be very independent by a family of non practicing Jews. More agnostic I would say. Anyways submission was something I guess myomere did but I was a daddy's girl and grew up to be a lot more like him than my
mom. Anyways I digress, during our rough patch K (sw) was filling a void that I had unintentionally left in my husband. Thus accelerating (in my eyes) their relationship. They would talk all day while I was at work... Just like we used to do when we first started dating.

Anyways, unlike a lot of the people I have read about here I wouldn't say we felt a "calling from God" about pm. Although my husband and I are Christians it was not what lead us here. But now that we are here we are very happy to see that it is not sin. So, when the topic was finally brought up after about a week of DH making comments like "sure is nice to have someone on your side or to have someone to back you up or to have an alibi everytime k would back me in an idea or debate. I was kind of shocked that he was serious, and even more shocked that he had discussed it with her and it was something that she was open to discussing more.

Well I failed at not writing a book and seeing as how it is 1am and I have to work tomorrow early, I better at least try and sleep, in this big empty bed. But I will try and finish up more tomorrow. Thanks for helping me distract myself here one my first solo night. I'm proud of myself, I actually haven't cried :) no really that's big for me...lol. Anyways good night and I look forward to getting to know many of you and learning from all of your experiences. I don't think I could do this without some sort of support group outside of my family and since pm is pretty taboo I don't really think there are many people I can talk to here. Thank you in advance for any support and encouragement you send our way. Sorry this was so long...(and sorry for typos I'm doing this on my phone and it's making it hard to go back and correct things...
 
lol....you are going to learn to love having that bed all to yourself and the free time to do whatever you want. Like take a bubble bath until 1am without worrying if anyone else cares :)
 
So I made it through my first night alone. I am doing my best to look at the blessing of things in my life right now because I tend to struggle with that. So the blessings of sleeping alone were I was able to bring our daughter into bed at 4 am to nurse her instead of sitting in her room to not wake up DH. And then I didn't have to be super quiet when getting ready this morning bc there was no one to wake up. However I was not fond of the idea of leaving without kissing DH goodbye. But fortunately he woke up and came upstairs right as I was about to leave. :) I have felt so special today, both DH and K have gone out of their way to check in with me to see how I did last night.
I know I am going to still be dealing with my fears and insecurities of not feeling like I was or am good enough for DH. Or that he likes/loves her more than me or that she will be able to make him happier than I can and feeling left out. Does anyone have any suggestions to help me deal with these negative feelings, so that they don't get the best of me and cause problems in this new fragile relationship.
 
Welcome to biblical families and I look forward to getting to know you more.

I however don't have much advice for you for my DH has not married another woman yet. This is something that I have been able to prepare and discuss certain situations and how to deal with them for the past year. It really must be a difficult situation for you since you haven't had much time to prepare. I will be praying for you and hope you will be able to feel just as much love as he has for your SW.

Much love,
Asia
 
Rda said:
I was not fond of the idea of leaving without kissing DH goodbye. But fortunately he woke up and came upstairs right as I was about to leave. :)
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Make sure you let him know that. It may not always be possible for him to give you a goodbye kiss. You may not have realized yourself until this morning that it was something important to you. That said, if you don't tell him that it meant a lot to you he will not know and he won't know to make the effort when it is possible.

Rda said:
I know I am going to still be dealing with my fears and insecurities of not feeling like I was or am good enough for DH.
Click to expand...

Wives and children are a blessing. Ask yourself this question - when people decide to have another child is it because the first child was not good enough? Because they were so bitterly disappointed with that child that they tried to have another? It helps keep the whole thing in perspective.

Rda said:
Or that he likes/loves her more than me or that she will be able to make him happier than I can
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Bad news: He does like/love her more than you. Good news: He also likes/loves you more than her. You each do different things for him and you each bring different things to the table. This is not a competition. Keep being you. He does not want you to try to be her. If you were just like her then she would serve no purpose. He loves YOU - just the way you are including all your quirky, goofy flaws. You have history with him, she does not. She has newness with him, you do not. Each has benefits, each has downsides. Don't try to be equal. You are not and never will be equal. The things that make you happy do not necessarily make her happy and vice versa. The things you do that have made him happy so far in the relationship - keep doing them. It is hard, but do not compare yourself to her. She is the most perfect version of her that God ever made and you cannot compete with that. Similarly you are the most perfect you that God ever made and she cannot compete with that either!
 
Thank you so much for that great perspective one I had never thought about pm like children, that is a really interesting way to think about it. I just got home and shared it with K and she really liked the part about each of us bringing something different to the relationship. Anyways, time to play with the kiddos and do some studying. DH and I are working on our personal training licenses. And are starting an in home personal training business. Which will give us more flexibility and time to be at home with the family. Got to go baby girl just woke up
 
Be encouraged you are handling this situation really well. Keep pressing toward that what God created. Remember you are just doing what has been done for centuries. The goverment and the laws only make it seem akward, but it's natural. I give you props, I have struggled but have overcame significantly through much prayer and a change of mind. Keep pressing, because you are doing so well. :D
Remember what your're doing is being a good example.
 

Wonderful post in every way!
 
Thank you :)

RDA and K - forgot to do my usual welcome and please try to join us for Tuesday night ladies chat. Probably too late now, but if you do see this in time we would love to meet you in the chat tonight. EST 7:30pm-9pmish (depends on how chatty we are feeling :)

Go to the top of the page, then resources, then biblical families chat. You can change "Guest" to RDA and then enter without a password. Look forward to seeing you there, if not tonight then another night if you can make it.
 
Welcome to the board. It sounds like you are dealing with this change in your life in a very thoughtful and courageous way. Congrats on that great attitude. In our family, we all work kind of messy shifts. But we all value our hellos and goodbyes. So, unless there is a special reason, we always go out of our way to give hello and goodbye kisses, no matter which room/bed hubby is in.

SweetLissa
 
Blah, ever had one of those days where you are just in a bad mood? So much for my looking at the bright side.
 
Welcome RDA to Biblical Families. I am sorry for this post taking so long, I have been enjoying reading everyone elses posts. :) I hope you will find much support and encouragement here. We have some fine ladies on this site and some great families to learn from.

Don't worry about those few bad days, we all have them. It is just an exercise at getting better at renewing our minds with God's promises and love, right?

As, Eternitee said, please join us for Tuesady night chat. It is a chance to get to know some of the ladies at this site better. We love newbies!

With hope for the future,
Julieb
 
Well fortunately for everyone my bad mood was gone when I woke up in the morning. Thanks be to God. Yesterday was DH's birthday, K and I had been scheming for a while on what to do for him, he had a pretty big Christmas so were wanted to do something that was more from the heart than from the store. I had seen a cool idea on Pinterest for a family tree made of hand prints, so that's what we did, started with his hand at the top(which kind of ruined the surprise but oh well) and the did my hand and K's and then the kiddos below. The K painted a beautiful trunk connecting all of us together, on our family tree. (The 5month olds hand was tricky but oh well) it turned out beautiful. ( if I can post it on here let me know) and then we took ink paw prints of our 4 dogs and made him some authentic Mexican street tacos with hand made tortillas, homemade salsa etc. it was a big hit! The next part of the night was seeing the tears in his eyes as he looked at the family tree and I could see how much it ment to him. We love you DH. Here's to another year, and all it brings.
 
Well here we are night 2. I decided to get out of the house for the evening, and give K and DH some alone time, since we decided tonight should be K's night with DH. So I leave right before our 2 year old goes to bed, thinking worst case senario they might have to feed the baby around 11 if I wasn't back. Well I wasn't home by 11 so I figured either she didn't wake up or they fed her and all was well. Well, I get home a little before midnight and K was up in the kitchen, DH is showering with the baby. Who apperently had been Up with them most of the evening. So now I feel bad. I went and hung out with a friend and left them to care of the kids, that is so not what I had planned on. :/ Now we are all sitting in the living room and I feel so awkward... (Twisted lips, twittling thumbs, you know...) anyway, I felt like the biggest third wheel. Can someone help me here? Why did I feel like I was out of place? They said don't worry about it, but I don't know, I feel like they are upset with me. Anyways I should try and go to sleep 1:30 am kids will be up in 6 hours. I'm going to try and get up before everyone and make breakfast. Thanks again for reading/following out family and thanks for all of the support.good night
 
The awkwardness will fade as time goes on. You are feeling guilty and who knows what they are feeling. But, when you have a family with kids, you need to understand that sometimes plans go awry. Children are not predictable and they rarely follow the plan. You had NO control over what happened with the children and you need not feel guilty because HIS child created a problem that derailed their night together. It will happen. If they are angry, they need to get over it but it truly feels like you are the one feeling awkward.

As time goes by you will feel better about hanging out with them. And there will also be times when you feel like you want to just go to your own room and be alone. It will get better. Just try not to be so critical of yourself. Don't try to keep everything perfect for others along the way. You have already said you are "Type A" which is probably why you feel so guilty. You wanted to be in control (of the children at least) while you were out of the house. If it isn't within your control then don't try to control it.

SweetLissa
 
I agree with SweetLissa but wanted to add one more thing to think about. I want to encourage you to believe them when they say everything is "okay", then rest in that love. Now, if they aren't being honest, well then that is another subject, but all you can do is believe them because you are NOT a mind reader. It is their problem if they aren't being honest about how they feel just as it would be your problem if you weren't honest with them.

There is nothing wrong with saying your sorry that the night didn't go as expected but as LIssa said don't feel guilty over something you didn't have any control over. Messed up plans are great moments to show forth good character...and it sounds like they did. What a blessing!
 
I am jumping in late to say Hi!! I am also new to the plural family lifestyle. We have 1 husband, 2 wives and 2 kids. Wife 2 came to us only a few months ago. It has been an adventure so far. Much much harder than I had thought it would be, but also so much better. Quite a contradiction I know. I look forward to getting to know you better.,

Trisha
 
Hey Trisha,
I would love to hear more about you and your journey so far with pm. I completely understand what you mean by harder and better at the same time. I love my sw, she is caring, kind, beautiful, great with my kids, the list goes on. Yet it's also bc she is all of those things that I have trouble when I see DH show her affection or worse(I'm kind of joking) love. I love her for many of the dame reason DH does and yet those same things make me feel and act completely insecure. :/ hard and good at the same time... I get it! Believe me. I would love to talk here or privately to get some more perspective, advise, support and friendship from someone who has been or is currently going through similar things.
Because God knows, for a house with "extra" people it sure can feel pretty lonely in here.
 
Rda are you and sister wife friends by any chance, or you know talk and stuff.
 
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