Telling the potential second wife the truth about your husband…. How to do this wisely?

[Lilac]

I am an only wife and my husband and I have recently started talking to a young lady that seems to really be a perfect fit for our family. I like her very much so far- it’s only been online communication so there is still lots to discover.

My husband has told me he has encouraged her to ask me about the good, but also the bad and the ugly, and asked me to be truthful with her.

Here is the crux of the issue. If I had been told all the ugly about my husband prior to being married to him, I would not have married him.

Is this part of Yahweh’s design though? That is r don’t know everything to start with and that we grow together through good times and bad? My husband has good points but at this time of life where we are stressed and he has suffered many financial and career setback, he is not really that nice to be around a fair bit of the time.

I’m worried if I tell her all of it, she won’t want to join the family. I would really like her to, because if it’s not her it will be someone else that I don’t like! But I feel like hiding from her how bad the communication is, how intolerant he is of hearing my feelings, how impatient he is with the children, how he doesn’t maintain the property, lacks discipline with health and food, etc, and how much he yells at them to just name a few things….why would she want to join into that?

I appreciate your wisdom especially in the form of Titus-elder women giving me encouragement- but please don’t beat up on my husband. It’s not my goal to change him, I pray to Yahweh about these things- but seeing as he has asked me to tell her these things and about the awful past few years I’ve had where if I wasn’t Christian I’d belong gone- I’m just not sure how to navigate this wisely.

Please help.

 

[Joleneakamama]

The truth is that none of us are mature and refined when we start off our married lives. We are all products of our raising, genetics, inherited weaknesses and strengths. In the 30 years I have know my husband we have gone through a lot together. The Hebrew word often translated evil just means difficult times...a narrow place. These are the times that grow us the most. Growth is not always pretty. We usually have to realize the areas we are lacking in before we can make a consious choice to change. For me at 19 i was dealing with extreme frustration with a nervous horse that had me out of control and nistreating her....before I KNEW and expressed that I NEED HELP! Just a week or so after this my mom happened to meet a lady moving in behind us....75 miles away at a gas station in the middle of the night. I got one on one riding lessons all summer that were worth 80 bucks an hour in exchange for our extra goats milk.
While I understand that some behaviors are not "fruit of the spirit" those things can be the catalyst that motivates us to change.
When Paul writes like it is common knowlege that "All things work together for good to those who love YHWH" that should comfort us and help us see the rough times as growing, refining, pruning, or otherwise illuminating our path forward.
In the movie Sully you see something that could have destroyed his savings and reputation instead vindicate his good judgment and launch his safety consulting business with massive free publicity.

My mom grew up with her parents studying personology and doing marriage counseling with it. She told me recently that my husband's high score for temper concerned her before we married and she was very impressed with the restraint and self control he has shown. He has never hit me. He has been a great example for our children of living by conscience. He has an uncommon sense of fairness, he will go out of his way to help others. The business he has built has a solid reputation....because every job was done "as unto The Lord" and every customer was happy....or the job was free.
I think it is good to let the new lady develop her own relationship with your husband. My sisterwife appreciates our husband....maybe more in some ways than I do, because of being in relationships with lessor men. She sees his wonderful qualities and circumcised heart. She sees his dedication to living right and raising his children in the way they should go. Love covers a multitude of sins....and it helps us see the holy spirit at work in each of us.

I shared the enneagram on another thread as a tool that can help us understand each other. I liked Debi Pearl's book preparing to be a help meet because it explained some of the ways men can be different and even suggested you write a letter to your future self when you marry a different type of man than your father.

If your husband really wants you to discuss his weak spots with this potential I would recommend thinking about the answers before speaking them and asking God for help in balancing the truth with grace.

I used to get frustrated and angry, i am so glad to be at a place in life where I dont have to feel or fight that anymore!

I pray YHWH grants you wisdom and leads you through this step with the potential. Having a sisterwife that you like and get along with is a blessing......mine is a blessing for our husband and whole family too.