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Wife is demanding a 3rd Party

@davidthebuilder I was in a similar situation to you several years ago. I learned the truth about polygyny, by simply reading my Bible. It just became clear to me that I had been lied to. I waited a while and then brought it up to my first wife. She was adamantly opposed at first. The process took about 2 years for her to go from against, to realizing it wasn't sin, but not for her, to finally accepting it completely. We had a lot of nights of prayer and Bible study, as well as nights of discussion and arguments. During that time, I did not force in a wife in. I could have, but I waited. Fast forward several years, and I have a happy home. Not without any problems, but one that is overall happy and content, and my first wife @MsPurple1 is now 100 percent on board and actually loves poly living. I don't have any real advice for you except to say I was where you are at and a few years later it became a reality and accepted by all of us, so this can happen for you as well.
 
The Revolting Man said:
You ARE NOT going to be polygynous any time soon. Set the desire aside. Tell your wife this:

“I love you and I will never give up being your husband. We were married under a vow of monogamy and I will honor that vow. I will not pursue polygyny while that vow is in effect and I will not attempt to get you to renounce that vow.

I cannot however lie to you about God and what He says. I believe that polygyny is allowed in scripture and I can’t just unbelieve that. This belief will not affect you or our marriage because it is not something that I will pursue for myself. But if you can not accept that I believe something that you do not then you will have decide how you will handle that. I can not be swayed on the topic.

And I will not be a part to bringing an outsider into our marriage. You don’t want another woman in our marriage and I don’t want another man in our marriage. There will be no discussion or debate on this. My mind is made up on the acceptability of polygyny before God and the destructive outcomes that will result from giving another man authority over me or my family.”

THEN DO NOT BRING IT UP AGAIN.

Don’t all about it. Don’t discuss it. Don’t tell her that cool new truths you’re learning. Don’t point out that poly could have solved this situation, or would benefit that situation.

DO NOT BRING IT UP AGAIN.

She eventually will. You will need to be ready to NOT respond when she does. Don’t respond the second time she brings it up.

The third time she brings it up act exasperated and ask if she really wants to talk about it. Then don’t.

Eventually she will pitch a temper tantrum and demand to talk about it. Don’t fall for it.

At some point she will capitulate. She will deflate. She will get tired of how worked up she’s been about it. Then you can start looking for ways to talk about it with her.

Or you could blow the whole marriage up and hope you do better with your next first wife. Just remember, the first step to having two wives is keeping the first one. If she’s worth keeping….
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I agree whole heartedly. Great advice. -M
 
davidthebuilder said:
I think reading daily is a habit I should get into. If nothing else, I’ll start with that.
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It is written, Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word (Eph. 5:25-26).
Better late than never. However, my friend, you have a lot of history to catch up on before you can give any thought to taking her further.

julieb said:
I encourage you to start dealing with the "small stuff" that you don't address enough regarding your relationship with your wife. This will most likely require you to step up your leadership game as you help her become a more mature believer in her over all life.
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Read ^^^ and do!
 
steve said:
Seriously, one year is nothing when it comes to wives accepting this truth.
Just keep praying for her and being the husband that you should be. Stop bringing up the subject, she knows what you think. I told my wife that she would eventually get it, and didn’t push it. She did later understand in something like 2.5-3 years.

The reality is that you are one more person in the widening pool of people who have the truth on the subject. If all you ever accomplish is being that brick in the wall, consider yourself blessed. Don’t let it blow up your marriage of principle.
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I just want to affirm this as wise counsel. Even in coming to the knowledge of God takes some people longer than others. You are fighting years of men's traditions of monogamy and you need to love your wife deeply as she is struggling with this. Her initial thought will drift toward you looking to replace her. Show her so much love and teach her how much you desire for her to be with you forever. It will go along way towards resolving her underlying concerns.
DO NOT, promise to give up the truth of God's word to assuage her fears. Teach her the word of God and in time, she will learn to trust you and the word of God.

Be very very patient... Let there be times that go by when it is not mentioned by you at all. It cannot consume you or it will destroy all that you have already built...

Shalom...
 
I find it funny how the goal of the Christian church is to be part of the group of gentiles that makes it into the Kingdom of Heaven, and they feast with Abraham, Issac, and Jacob. But wouldn’t their multiple wives and many children be an offense and stumbling block to them? They want to be part of that Kingdom, yet here on earth they consider such a marriage structure to be some type of cult?

We are living in the true Dark Ages. Good is called evil, and evil is called good. Today’s Christianity will tolerate whoredom, divorce, and homosexuality; which are indeed sins, but if you mention the idea of polygyny and it’s like you murdered someone. What is really happening is violence to the Word - and the Word made flesh is our Savior and Redeemer - who even described himself in a parable marrying 5 virgins in “marriages” (in the Greek the word marriage is plural).

The reality of the situation - majority of women today are not virgins. They give away their virginity like Esau gave his birthright for a bowl of soup. They walk according to the ways of the world, and the majority of women do not like being outcast/outsiders/gossiped about. Take for example - Muslims in the Balkan region - I’ve witnessed first hand of them talking with hatred and negativity about (Islamic) polygyny. But women that live in the Middle East will boast about it and even prefer it over monogamy. Why? Because of the culture. In the Balkan region - it’s Europe - it’s majority Christian - and the norm is monogamy only along with night clubs and fornication. So it’s the culture. Here in the United States - it’s the same culture. Monogamy only - night clubs - fornication. For some one that truly accepts the scripture as truth - know that you’re living behind enemy lines. Polygyny isn’t the only biblical truth they hate, either. Their idol is the world, and they will turn the scripture upside down to create it into their own image.

In the meantime - continue to wash her clean by the Word. Continue to be patient and loving. Continue to pray YAH changes her heart. Continue to seek the Creator’s righteousness. There is a restoration coming.
 
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frederick said:
Hi @davidthebuilder, how are things working out? I was re-reading through this thread and was wondering how you are doing and how your relationship with your wife is now? It's been a while, so I pray there is growth and sanctification on all parts. 🙏 Shalom
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Good afternoon sir,

Thanks for asking. Things are much the same but we had another clash about it last night by my prompting. I had her read the verses aloud to me, and she does not deny them but maintains they were done for Hebrew society and the hardness of men’s hearts. That said, she is more or less desensitized to the topic now, though she isn’t moving from her position. She has been thinking and researching but heeding the voices of those against.

We prayed at the end of the dispute last night that the Lord would weigh in. The sermon at Church this morning was, lo and behold, about 1 Kings 11. Particularly about Solomon’s foreign wives turning his heart. My wife saw it before I did and laughed. The sermon was good and perfectly, I’d even say Providentially timed.

My wife and I talked about it afterwards, and we’re more or less at a stalemate. This is the rub:

I wanted Polygyny when I was apostate, before I got saved and married my wife. I abandoned the desire for it because I thought that’s what scripture demanded, and vowed monogamy to my wife. I stand by that vow, but I have made it clear to her I desire her to absolve me of that vow.

She on the other hand married me assuming I would hold to monogamy, and she feels cheated as I want to change the terms of the deal.

So as you can see, I feel cheated because I made a vow ceding rights I would have otherwise very much desired to exercise and still very much desire to exercise. She feels cheated because I married her (believing I should, mind you,) promising monogamy and now I desire to change the terms of the deal.

She believes I’m in sin, but respects me enough that she knows it’s a belief on my part and that I do not believe I am in sin. But the two of us are at an impasse.

She maintains we should talk to someone, and has kept this issue private, but she knows why I don’t want to. I’ve suggested a neutral mediator who we both respect (in the abstract, I don’t have one in mind,) who isn’t invested in either position. But I don’t know when/if one will come.

Thank you for asking, and may God bless you for it.
 
but maintains they were done for Hebrew society
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Looking out the window - western society isn't doing so well. Which is what the Creator promised would happen. For example, going against his instructions = darkness. Those that forsake his instruction praise wickedness, and their prayers are an abomination.

So I don't think western society will last much more before the Creator rises in judgement. And according to prophecy, "Hebraic Society" is the future. Read Isaiah Chapter 2 - which depicts the last days on earth (before the great white throne of judgement and new heavens and new earth) - as being peaceful. No longer will nation fight against nation. The Creator will rule as King (through his Son), and all nations (gentiles) will learn Torah. So the whole world will become 'Hebraic' - possessing knowledge of their Father in Heaven, and learning 'His Ways,' which are higher than our ways (western society). It's the future. Only thing is - most people won't make it into that new world.

He is the Lamb and the Lion. He has revealed himself as the Lamb when he fulfilled Passover as the suffering servant from Isaiah 53:5. But most people are not ready to see him as the "Conquering King" when he fulfills Sukkot; especially those that profess to know him. "Depart from me I never knew you." Feeling is mutual it seems.
 
davidthebuilder said:
Good afternoon sir,

Thanks for asking. Things are much the same but we had another clash about it last night by my prompting. I had her read the verses aloud to me, and she does not deny them but maintains they were done for Hebrew society and the hardness of men’s hearts. That said, she is more or less desensitized to the topic now, though she isn’t moving from her position. She has been thinking and researching but heeding the voices of those against.

We prayed at the end of the dispute last night that the Lord would weigh in. The sermon at Church this morning was, lo and behold, about 1 Kings 11. Particularly about Solomon’s foreign wives turning his heart. My wife saw it before I did and laughed. The sermon was good and perfectly, I’d even say Providentially timed.

My wife and I talked about it afterwards, and we’re more or less at a stalemate. This is the rub:

I wanted Polygyny when I was apostate, before I got saved and married my wife. I abandoned the desire for it because I thought that’s what scripture demanded, and vowed monogamy to my wife. I stand by that vow, but I have made it clear to her I desire her to absolve me of that vow.

She on the other hand married me assuming I would hold to monogamy, and she feels cheated as I want to change the terms of the deal.

So as you can see, I feel cheated because I made a vow ceding rights I would have otherwise very much desired to exercise and still very much desire to exercise. She feels cheated because I married her (believing I should, mind you,) promising monogamy and now I desire to change the terms of the deal.

She believes I’m in sin, but respects me enough that she knows it’s a belief on my part and that I do not believe I am in sin. But the two of us are at an impasse.

She maintains we should talk to someone, and has kept this issue private, but she knows why I don’t want to. I’ve suggested a neutral mediator who we both respect (in the abstract, I don’t have one in mind,) who isn’t invested in either position. But I don’t know when/if one will come.

Thank you for asking, and may God bless you for it.
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Thanks David. I appreciate you taking the time to update us, and I will continue to pray for you and your wife. Indeed, may our most gracious God providentially guide you through this trial that His Name is glorified. 🙏
 
A thought just came to mind. I don't know if you will have seen this, but I posted this is the Random Comments thread about using AI:

Random Comments

I've learned, if you want to use AI to find or prove something, tell ChatGPT, Grok, Gemini, Claude, ... whatever, to "Make the best case for..." and you will get far more than just the official narrative. If you ask a straight question the answer will be in line with the official information...
biblicalfamilies.org biblicalfamilies.org

Maybe it will help give some clarity.
 
Was I you, I would fall to my knees in thankfulness that you are only at your present impasse.
Men have lost their marriages over their mere understanding of this issue.

Obviously your wife is not on board with you being totally the leader in your home. Your struggle over the concept of polygyny is just a symptom of the overall problem. Until you get that ironed out you aren’t in a position to contemplate moving forward towards the lifestyle. And there is no guarantee that you can get it ironed out in this day and age.

Enjoy the growth process that is ahead for you and your family.
 
steve said:
Was I you, I would fall to my knees in thankfulness that you are only at your present impasse.
Men have lost their marriages over their mere understanding of this issue.

Obviously your wife is not on board with you being totally the leader in your home. Your struggle over the concept of polygyny is just a symptom of the overall problem. Until you get that ironed out you aren’t in a position to contemplate moving forward towards the lifestyle. And there is no guarantee that you can get it ironed out in this day and age.

Enjoy the growth process that is ahead for you and your family.
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I agree with you on this, and she has dropped hints about that. While I am a willful young man with a personality inclined to leadership, I still have a long way to go. I am exceedingly grateful for God preserving my marriage and for my wife’s patience.

That said, I hope and believe I have it in me not just in this lifetime, but in the next few years to get to that point, with God’s help.

Thank you again for your counsel.
 
davidthebuilder said:
She on the other hand married me assuming I would hold to monogamy, and she feels cheated as I want to change the terms of the deal.

So as you can see, I feel cheated because I made a vow ceding rights I would have otherwise very much desired to exercise and still very much desire to exercise. She feels cheated because I married her (believing I should, mind you,) promising monogamy and now I desire to change the terms of the deal.
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One of reasons she feels cheated is because you want, from her perspective, to change term of deal towards something worse for her.
 
davidthebuilder said:
My question is, from her perspective, is she even wrong? If so, how?
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According to human reasoning and what is fair, she is absolutely correct. You made a promise and now you want to renege on it.

Yah, of course, probably has an opinion about how things should be handled going forward.
 
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